Transcript
Speaker: I'm Brie Salzman, a brain tumor survivor and identity integration coach, and you're listening to Rewired Minds, a podcast that shares brain tumor stories that change us. Sometimes guests use medical terminology, so I've partnered with Northwestern Medicine Malnati Brain Tumor Institute to provide definitions of common terms. You can find the full list in the show notes.
Speaker: Most importantly, take care of yourself as you listen and process. Cassie Selfridge was diagnosed in 2013 with primary central nervous system lymphoma. which is a rare form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma that for her started in the brain.
Speaker: She was 28 at the time and had just finished a master's in social work. She had a full-time job, was married, had a kid, bought a house. She had all the things, but something didn't feel great.
Speaker: And that's when she found out about her diagnosis. Welcome, Cassie. So glad you're here. How are you doing today? I'm good. It just stinks. It's raining, but that's all right. It's my birthday month, so okay. Well, happy birthday month. Do you have any exciting plans?
Speaker: Not really. I'm going to be 41. I feel like 41 is not 40. It's not 50. It's just like, well, I made it all the way through 40. Nothing fancy. Yeah, I hear on that. I had my 41st birthday earlier this year and felt similarly like, okay, birthdays are getting, don't want to say less important, but they seem less exciting older that I get. Yeah, they're the same climatic, right? They are.
Speaker: I want to go out to dinner and hang out my friends, but I could do that like on a random Tuesday. so Yeah, it's just another day. Yeah. And I want to do it on a random Tuesday. Like I don't want to wait for special days to do those kinds of things. Well, I just saw there was a thing and it was like, you know, the hot girl summer, right?
Speaker: And then it was like feral 40s summer. And I'm like, yeah, that's what I want to have. just want to have feral 40s summers. Feral That's a new one. I haven't heard that one yet. Yeah, I'm just going be my feral 40s. Oh my gosh, I love it.
Speaker: I love it. Well, let's rewind in time. Several years back, life was going for you. like it seemed life was going going really well.
Speaker: What would you add to to what I shared up top? I thought life was perfect. I'm going to use air quotes. Like, perfect, right? I had a house and I had a kid. I was just graduated. The the month before, I found out cancer. I was in Hawaii, but I lived in Alaska. I was, like, in all this cool stuff. And i don't know I guess my life was very, like, synergetic, right? Everything was perfect. and But it wasn't.
Speaker: Like, it wasn't. I love that word, synergetic. that's that No one's used that yet. That's a ah really cool way to describe it. I guess it's my English teacher in me. I currently teach 10th grade English. And next year, i just learned going be also teaching two 9th grade English classes. So just pray for me on that.
Speaker: Like, 9th graders are a little feral and savage as well. But they're not 40, so their self-control is a little less. i was going to say, you're going to have a whole feral classroom, including yourself. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. So you had and just graduated with a degree in social work. What were you hoping to do with that?
Speaker: um So I was actually working full time. We lived in Juneau, Alaska at the time. And so I was working full time, but it was like two part time jobs. I was working at Bartlett Hospital um as a case manager and then occasionally I'd help in the mental health unit.
Speaker: And then I worked part time doing child therapy at Catholic Community Services. Really, I had only started working for about two weeks for full time. And I had i had a stroke. That's how they discovered my brain tumors.
Speaker: We lived in Alaska and we'd go hiking at Mendenhall Glacier. it was We could hike it from our backyard. i remember that night we were hiking and he's like, Cassie, you've been drinking? Like, what's going on? And I was like, no, we haven't had dinner yet. like And just we giggled.
Speaker: But hindsight's 20-20 because that night I woke up with this like splitting headache. And I woke my husband up and I was like, hey, um I think I need some water. And I i am might never wake him up, right? Usually go get by myself. I said, I just don't feel right.
Speaker: And I went to get out of bed and he had gone downstairs and I just heard there was just a thud and he came running upstairs. And i was laying on the floor because I could not feel the whole left side of my body. And so like people joke about my life changed. Like my life literally changed overnight. like i had Yeah. I did not know that I was sick at all. Right. I'd go to like open my door and I'm like, man, the handles on this house are low. And like, oh, I'm really tired.
Speaker: You know, I'm oh, I'm cooking tacos. And oh man, my left hand, it feels really funny. and Like, I just I guess I'll use my right hand. I mean, maybe i need to make another margarita. I don't know. i was 28. Brain tumor was not the first thing that I had in mind.
Speaker: It sounds like even though you had the stroke where you collapsed that night, there were some things in hindsight that were happening leading up to that. You just hadn't pieced it all together. Am I hearing that correctly? Yeah. Yeah. I had zero idea.
Speaker: That week before, my son was four and we were doing headstands, right? Like we were practicing doing headstands on the wall. And um he was very, when he was little, very parkour, right? He liked to jump around and like doing all the things. Yeah.
Speaker: And so i was like, do a headstand like this. And you go on the wall and kick your feet up. And I fell. Just was like, well, I probably shouldn't do headstands when I'm 28. Like, that's live and learn. And so, again, like all these things that I'm like, this makes sense. Oh, my my left side is sore because I was doing headstands with a four-year-old.
Speaker: Probably shouldn't do that, right? The weekend before was like my first weekend working at the hospital all by myself, right? Like, i was like, hi' a I'm a big girl, right? Like, I'm working by myself. I remember it being lunchtime. And i was like, gosh, I have this headache.
Speaker: And i just I just got to turn the lights off. And i crawled up on the floor and took a nap during my my lunch break. I called my husband and he's like, Cassie, you just need to go to the emergency room. And I'm working in the hospital. And I was like, I'm not going to the emergency room. What do I say? I'm tired and I have a headache.
Speaker: No, like I'm fine. And so my husband, he, and I feel like I've heard this on another podcast where someone said, like, my husband made me go to the doctor. And i was like, oh, my gosh, I'm not the only one because my husband showed up at my work when I off. And he's like, we're marching into the emergency room.
Speaker: And you're going to tell me you don't feel good. They said, what hurt? And I said, well, my left side, i kind of, like, it's kind of my shoulder hurts. And they did it. They did, like, an x-ray. And they're like, well, you kind of pulled some muscles. And I'm like, do you think you need an MRI? Did you hit your head? I'm like, I don't need an MRI. Like,
Speaker: I didn't, i I was doing a headstand. I was already on the ground. Like, what do i need an MRI for? And that was literally on Saturday. And then I had my stroke on Thursday night. So it's like, hmm, maybe I shouldn't have been so stubborn. I don't know what I've had to like go through everything, but maybe maybe it wouldn't have, right? Maybe everything happened like it was supposed to. i don't know.
Speaker: Well, and that's the thing about so many of the brain tumors that we have is the symptoms. Until we find out what's really going on, sometimes they can feel very disjointed and it's very easy to you know, write them off. I mean, I know for me, i had migraines for years before I found my brain tumor, but they didn't come super frequently.
Speaker: And when I did have them, I had learned my way of managing them. And I just thought, you know, it migraines are a normal thing. They're not normal that everybody has them, but a significant portion of our population has migraines. This is not a big deal. And, you know, it wasn't until that migraine that didn't go away that I was like, okay, something else is going on. i think that's more more common in our community that, you know, because our brain controls our entire body, it can show up anywhere and it can feel very disjointed in a sense. Yeah. so So the night that you got up in the middle of the night and collapsed to the floor, i mean, what's going through your mind at at that point?
Speaker: Well, I was thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm having um i'm having a heart attack. So my in my mind, like I come from a family where we and we don't have cancer, but women in my family have like massive heart attacks before they're 50.
Speaker: And i was like, well, I'm having it before I turn 30. I'm having a heart attack. I'm dying right now. it was my left side. It's my my my husband. He came upstairs. He grabbed Our house was three stories because it's Alaska. So everything's kind of built up.
Speaker: And so he grabs me, he carries me out to the car, and then he goes to get my son out of bed. And we we go down the freeway. It's not a freeway. it's It's a bypass. Like, it's a last.
Speaker: So we go. And I remember, like, kind of looking over at him going, like... gosh, I hope the cops don't give him a ticket now. He was going like 90 something. And I remember looking over and trying to tell him to slow down, but I couldn't speak. Like my words were completely slurred.
Speaker: And he's like, Cassie, you're having a stroke. Stop talking. In my mind, I was thinking, no, I'm not. I'm not having a stroke. I'm having a hard time. Like this is what's happening to me. We get to the hospital. And he goes in and says, hey, my wife is having a stroke. And i'm I'm trying to argue with him in my head. But nothing's coming out, right, logically. And the nurses, I remember them coming. And they're like, oh, my gosh, you're having a stroke. We're going to get you on, like, all the medicines. And he goes, told you. can't eat you.
Speaker: He knew what was going on. So we go back and I remember just being hooked up out to everything. and And I mean, before this, I've always been like really healthy. And so this was all shocking. I've never had so many. Like, I didn't know there were so many tests that you could have in medicine. Like I worked in the hospital and I knew that happened to people, but i didn't know they happened to one person. I didn't realize that that was even possible.
Speaker: Juno had the biggest hospital in the area, but they didn't have like a neurologist, right? And so I remember being like put up to a machine and like kind of like this big eyeball, like with a person on the other end kind of talking to me and just...
Speaker: It's kind of so shattered, right? And now, like, hindsight, right? This is, I'm 13 years out, right? This has been a long time. I don't know how the people you've had on here can talk about stuff. Like, within a year, I'm like, I'm still processing. Like, I feel like I'm still recovering from everything.
Speaker: So I have mad respect for them. But I remember just trying to take this all in. And they said, well, we've we've found something. Like, this this doesn't look like ah a stroke. Like we they treated everything like a stroke.
Speaker: This is non-vascular, like there's no blood. And so we we need to do some more testing. And then that's when they found ah they found a tumor, a golf ball-sized tumor in my parietal lobe, in my right parietal lobe. And so I remember they put me on like steroids and that really helped a lot.
Speaker: And then I was in the ICU, which was really weird because I worked there. So it's just really bizarre to be on the other end of the hospital. It's just kind of weird to, To be the receiver instead of the giver of help.
Speaker: Yeah. How was that shift for you? It was hard. It was really hard. What was difficult about it? I think just having to sit still. Like being still is not a strong suit of mine.
Speaker: I'm a busybody and i'm I think I'm a helper probably to too much sometimes. But just receiving it, knowing that like i i I couldn't get out of bed. Like, I really was bedridden. And to go from literally hiking at a glacier the day before to not being able to walk was awful.
Speaker: Have you been wanting to share your story? Wherever you are in your journey and whatever your relationship is to the brain tumor community, I'm looking for more guests for future episodes. Check out rewired-minds.com backslash guest to share your interests.
Speaker: Your story really, truly matters, and I want to help you share it.
Speaker: And so you find out that you've got this mass. what kind is Is it surgery? Is that what comes next, I imagine? yeah Yeah. And so we were in Alaska. So we had to be, I was in the And they had to, like, and this was the social work in Alaska. You know, they had to book my flight. They had to get me a flight from Alaska to Seattle.
Speaker: They could fly me down just with, like, you know, all the medical people. But I really, I had a husband and a son. And i'm like, i don't I don't want to do that. So they said, okay, well, if we can stabilize you, we will let you fly on Alaska Airlines, but you have to fly straight there, straight to Seattle.
Speaker: And then you have an appointment. We've set you up with an appointment at Virginia Mason, um like the next day. What we call my stroke-aversary is July 11th. So I had, that's when I had my stroke. And then my brain surgery was on July 18th.
Speaker: So within that, like one week, i had I was in the ICU in Alaska and then had testing in Seattle. And then I had my brain surgery. Like this all happened like really, really fast. Yeah. And this the hospital in Seattle, is this a partnership that the Juneau Hospital has already? Or did you choose this hospital? How was that decision made?
Speaker: I don't, honestly, i think that they did partner with Virginia Mason, but it was so quick. It was like, okay, we who's the best a neurosurgeon that we could find in Seattle? within Within a week, mean, I had surgery and the next day, doctor came in and said, well, we think we have CNS lymphoma.
Speaker: So we're going to spend, you know, the next week. I had all the tests done, cat scan, pet scan. i don't know, dog scan. I just i don't know. Every scan. well done and ah they confirmed that it was central nervous system lymphoma. And the crazy thing was, I mean, I've been so healthy. And with the Coast Guard, I mean, I had my physical for the Coast Guard just in June of that month around. It's usually around your birthday.
Speaker: So I had just had blood work done and nothing showed up. One of the things that you shared with me ahead of time, too, is that you're you're in this in between in a certain sense. You share that the brain tumor community doesn't fully understand your diagnosis, but also the lymphoma community didn't understand it either.
Speaker: What is it that you feel that each side doesn't quite understand? Well, I felt like, so I was like, okay, well, And times have changed. It's crazy to think how social media has changed in just 13 years. But 13 years ago, when I was looking up central nervous system lymphoma, I was like, okay, I found these like Facebook groups. And I was like, okay, I have lymphoma. And people, it was kind of scary. People like, oh, you have a brain tumor? That's like, that's not lymphoma. but Well, yes, it is. It's central nervous system lymphoma.
Speaker: And then I'd go to the brain tumor communities. And it was like, oh, well you have lymphoma. But it's like, but I have a brain tumor. So I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. Like, it was just they kind of this weird thing because, like, when it came to comes to lymphomas, it's kind of a, it's a really bad lymphoma, right? Things in your brain are not really the best ones to have, right?
Speaker: And then when it came to brain tumors, it's like, well, it's not. ah It's not brain cancer. It's a lymphoma. So it was just this weird dynamic. And so I ended up starting my own little Facebook group, which now has grown to like thousands, thousands of people, which is crazy because it's it's such a weird cancer.
Speaker: Like it's just such a it's very uncommon. I love that you kind of forged your own path instead of letting people say, you don't fit here, you don't fit here, and then just, you know, moving on without any support. ah I think that's maybe sometimes the easier path is just say, okay, whatever, moving on. But recognizing that you certainly are not the only one out there probably experiencing these same things and that you created that space.
Speaker: For others who are probably experiencing similar, i don't know, the word exclusion keeps coming to mind, although I recognize that people probably didn't intentionally exclude you. It's just the nature of trying to find connection and understand things that we can't, it's hard to understand, Right.
Speaker: So I'm really sorry that you didn't find connection in these communities. And also, I'm really impressed that you decided, you know what, I'm just going to build my own. That's amazing.
Speaker: No one was mean about it, right? Like, and I'm glad you see her that because no one was mean. It was just, but I couldn't really... bond with, you know, and it's not like I really want to bond over cancer, but once you get it, it's kind of like a car, right? I feel like once I got a brain tumor, I realized, oh, there's a lot of brain tumors in the world, right? I got a new Pathfinder. I'm like, oh, everyone has a Pathfinder.
Speaker: It's not really something you want to see, but you end up seeing, wow, it's everywhere. And I did. I met this woman. She worked in the medical profession. She was just someone I really went to um with wisdom over central nervous system lymphoma.
Speaker: And she's actually in that group with me and she helps monitor the group. She does a lot. She retired because now I work as a teacher. I really can't monitor and be in that group as much as I want because I'm i'm working. Right. And so it's summer. So I get to. But the rest of the nine months of the year.
Speaker: i can't I can't be in there as much as I'd like to. You mentioned you're a teacher now. So was that part of your journey as a shift in careers? And is that a response to your diagnosis and everything that's come since then or something separate?
Speaker: A hundred percent. So I had my my diagnosis. I had craniotomy, right? I went through chemo. Hallelujah. New Year's Eve. I thought I was good. We went back to Alaska. And then my first checkup, I had recurrence. So then they found another lesion in my cerebellum.
Speaker: And so i ended up having a so so ah stem cell transplant in September 2014. And Lord willing, I've been healed since then. But I had my stem cell transplant the day before my son started kindergarten.
Speaker: And I really was like, i miss, I feel like I missed so much of his time um because I was in the hospital so much. I volunteered a lot once I got well enough after the transplant to like be at school.
Speaker: And his principal was like, Cassie, why don't you just work here? And I was like, I'm not a teacher. I'm a social worker. Like, I'm to get back into social worker. She's like, you're you're good with the kids. It's kind of the same. I'm like, no, it's not.
Speaker: It's the same, right? Like, really, I ended up getting in. I started subbing, and then I started working there full time. And really, teaching and social work are really the same. I realized I'm doing the same thing, just a different hat.
Speaker: And I ended up in 2024, I ended up graduating. I got a master's in teaching. And so people like to be like, oh, I had a brain tumor. I'm like, no, don't let a tumor stop you.
Speaker: Our brains are so pliable and so flexible that we can still learn. Like there's just so much that we can do. Yeah. So my brain tumor kind of got me thinking like, I want to be around my son.
Speaker: My son's going to a senior this year, which is crazy. um And I worked the same school as him. So I still get to be around him, but I don't have to teach him, which is probably a good thing. Probably for both of you, maybe.
Speaker: For sure. Like I get to see him enough. He's like, hey, mom, I need snack. What's in your drawer, right? And then he's like, don't talk to me, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can we can talk in the space of your of your classroom, but don't look at me in the hallway. Yeah, don't make eye contact with me. I don't even know you.
Speaker: That's so funny. And that was honestly, when I went to high school, that was a conversation we had. I'm like, well, they offered a job. I kind of want to work there. But how would you feel? And he's like, oh, mom, I like you most of the time. It's OK. You can work at my school. But if I don't want to talk to you, don't look at me. It sounds like you all have a pretty close relationship. How has that evolved parallel to your diagnosis and treatment and ongoing journey with this?
Speaker: I feel like it's kind of what my son knows. He was four, right, when I got sick. And he was like, well, what's cancer? We kind of explained it to him. Like, well, it's kind of like a flu, right? He knew some people die from the flu. Some people heal.
Speaker: You just never know. And he just knew, like, man, my mom, why did you go bald? Like, he was reading a Bible story and he learned, like, Samson had hair and made him strong. And he's like, Oh, mom, can you not pick me up anymore because you're bald?
Speaker: I said, no, because you're five years old and you weigh like 50 pounds. like I'm not going to carry you. I think it it kind of had to make him resilient. Like he he kind of of had to just like learn learnru what illness was at a young age.
Speaker: And it's kind of been cute as he's grown up. He was, gosh, like third grade or so. And someone was like, oh, my grandpa has cancer. He said something. He's like, oh, my mom had it. He'll be fine. Right. He he kind of had this like blissful ignorance. Right. He saw mom go through some really hard stuff and then be, and she's fine.
Speaker: Yeah. What has been the lasting impact of of your diagnosis and treatment? I think just knowing that we all have a purpose, right? I feel like I'm still here. So there's something I'm supposed to be doing on this earth. And I feel like that's just been kind of, it's kind of changed my perspective in life because I, I'm an anxious little person, right? Like I got to do everything, got everything's out to be perfect.
Speaker: And I realized like, once you have cancer, nothing has to be perfect. It's all going to be okay. Like if you're here, you got to perfect, you can slow down. What helps you slow down? I think just thinking about The roses. I mean, the silly saying, stop and smell the roses. I like to stop and look at the bugs on the roses. Like, i like to look at the bugs the flower and just being able to slow down and be like, you know what?
Speaker: Nothing is as bad as having cancer and having to deal with being at the doctors all the time. Like, we get to get up and move and walk and being able-bodied and then being, like, in a wheelchair. and You can't walk yourself and realizing that there's there's kind of a a mystery in life.
Speaker: And it's just all... grow from our experiences. And what is your relationship with your diagnosis look like today? Like, honestly, I'm still, i feel like recovering from it. I think that's the beautiful thing about being a teacher is I get the summers to kind of process it all. It's a love-hate. Like, I hated having it, but I love the positive impact it's had on my life. It sounds weird, but... Not at all. Not at all. I think that's really common in our community. What what do you see as the positive impact?
Speaker: Well, For one, it changed my relationship with my husband. I feel like it made our relationship stronger. and made me have faith. I believed and in God and something greater than myself.
Speaker: It made me really appreciate my son and my family, even my extended family. It brought me closer with my parents. And I just, I don't wish it upon anyone, but I'm grateful it happened to me. What's different about your life now than what it looked like before? Maybe what's important now that maybe wasn't as important before or vice versa?
Speaker: I think simplicity. Like, I don't feel like i need to strive as much. My husband was still active duty. So once my cancer, our family moved to Seattle. We had to go through treatment. So we were stationed there for four years.
Speaker: And so our time in Seattle was kind of special because that's where I healed. But then it was 2018 and we moved to L.A. And then 2019, we moved to Mississippi. Then 2020, well, we all know the world shut down. But then I moved to D.C.
Speaker: And then 21, I moved to Oregon. And then 23, we retired in Tennessee. You all have been all over. Yeah. So I feel like I needed to be where I needed to be when I got sick.
Speaker: And then I've just been go, go, go. So I feel like it wasn't until my husband really retired that I got to process. i was like, oh, my gosh, I had a really crazy life. Like, this is a crazy ride. But I feel like that's been the good thing about teaching is I get to now I can finally process. I feel like I've been really processing it the last few years. It's like cancer is a thing that happened to me and I kind of separated from it.
Speaker: And I've learned that I can't separate myself from who I am. What are the aspects that you're processing? I think it was kind of going back to the whole, am I, do I have lymphoma or do I have ah have brain cancer, right? Like that, not knowing who I was. And I feel like processing it has helped me become confident in who I am and being able to speak up for four cancer survivors.
Speaker: And people that have illnesses. Because I feel like I've had a very unique experience. Cancers don't always happen to younger people, right? And I was 28 and seeing, like my oncologist would call me his pediatric patient. Because he said, Cassie, i don't I've never had anyone your age with this.
Speaker: Like they're usually seven-year-old men. You are neither of those things. And I feel like it's helped give me a unique a voice to help people especially students. I started working in special education first, coming from working, doing child therapy.
Speaker: And i think that having a unique background helped me connect better to my students. I think that's really helped me a lot. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting with all the conversations and work that I've done in the brain tumor community, everybody's on their own timeline, their own process, but there does seem to be similar phases, so to speak. Like right in the very beginning,
Speaker: We're so in it that we're just trying to keep our head above the water and making sense out of anything is almost impossible. And then you get past treatment and sometimes it's immediately after treatment for other people. It still takes a little while. But that second phase is what happened? Like, holy crap, that was a lot. Let me just understand the what.
Speaker: Phase three, if you will, is how did that happen? How did I survive? How did survive? make it through? how did I keep putting one foot in front of the other?
Speaker: And then it the fourth phase seems like, okay, now what do I do with all of this? And I think that seems to be where sometimes advocacy work comes into play. And I use that word really carefully because I think sometimes we can think that advocacy means that we have to go for policy change or speak on a big stage in front of a bunch of people or things like that. But advocacy is in our appointments with our medical team. It's in conversations with our family and friends. It's
Speaker: Jumping on a podcast and sharing your story, all of that is advocacy too. Like I said, everybody's timeline is different, but the phases seem to be very similar. Well, and something I noticed when I was getting my master's, I helped with like policy with the Coast Guard changing like their sexual assault victim and getting it changed like sexual assault survivor. So I've i've kind of had like a a heart for things like this. And something I've been thinking about is survivor's guilt, right? People talk about survivor's guilt.
Speaker: And I really don't like the word guilt. Like, I feel like some somewhere in my road, in my life, I wanted to be changed more like to survivor's humility. Like, realizing, like, we have a purpose.
Speaker: Like, we survived this for a reason. And there's something greater for all of I love that. what What does survivor's humility look like for you? To me, it just recognizes, like, yes, I'm here and someone else with the same disease as me.
Speaker: might not be. And it's not because I'm a better person. Cancer doesn't choose, right? It affects rich. It affects poor. It affects young. It affects old. But I think when we think of guilt, it's like yucky and shameful. And I'm Christian and I don't think like we're not called to be feel yucky, guilt and shame, right? Like we are...
Speaker: We are here for a purpose. And I feel like humility is seeing like, hey, I'm here, but it is not because of my own doing. It's something greater than myself, the world, God, the universe, whatever it is. But for a reason, we're still here. We've been placed in just the right things to get what we needed at the time.
Speaker: And we we shouldn't feel guilt about that. Like we should feel special and loved because we're still here. That's really interesting. And I really appreciate you bringing that up. I think words are so powerful in so many different ways. And I myself have struggled with For lack of a better way to put it, how do I label myself?
Speaker: and And not because I feel like I need a label, but, you know, it's it's easier when you have a word or a phrase to use when people ask about it than going down the long rabbit hole of your whole story. yeah And I struggle with it because i vacillate between survivor and patient.
Speaker: um You know, I was a patient and I got through that phase and but I still didn't feel like a survivor because I was in wait and watch and it could come back at any time. And then there was regrowth. And so then I was definitely clearly back in patient mode and I'm technically, you know, finished radiation, but I'm still seeing a lot of doctors for various things going on related to my tumor. And so I don't feel like survivor either. And, you know, i know some people have used the word thriver and, I definitely feel like I'm thriving in life. I don't know that I'm thriving in my health. And warrior has never felt like a right word for me that, for me, brings up things about going to battle. And for me, that just sounds so exhausting. i don't need any more exhaustion. I'm already exhausted. i'm to not Without that. So anyway, I'm rambling. But all of that to say, like, I think about this a lot. Language is powerful and it it can be used in a lot of different ways. And and I've really struggled to find a word or a phrase that helps me feel empowered about my experience and feel like I'm have agency and ownership over it. It feels like very much in other people's hands. And I wonder if that's, if you've had any of that in your experience as you're talking about reframing survivor's guilt into survivor's humility.
Speaker: Oh, yes. I am always thinking about words all the time because I feel like like you just said, and like words, They are so impactful. And like when we say a word, we see a word, we speak a word, like we we're putting it out in the world and it's it's impacting us. Right. And I just feel like the language of of cancer is so negative. Right. It's so many negative connotations, just like people like the C word, you know, cancer is the C word.
Speaker: And I just, there's something beautiful about being being alive still after having it. Like, I feel like when I've spoken to people, most people I meet are like, wow, my life has changed because of cancer.
Speaker: I mean, sometimes it's harder in certain ways, but there's still a light somewhere in all of it for everybody. Absolutely. What's your light? I think my light is hope.
Speaker: Like, i just have hope in a future. i have hope because of what I've been through with cancer. There's just hope for the world because I'm far from a perfect person. I'm far from a lot of things, but I have hope. What do you hope for?
Speaker: I just hope to hold grandbabies one day. I hope to see my son get married. I mean, because I was at a point where I was like am I even going to see him graduate kindergarten? so I hope to see him graduate a high school in 2027 right here, here very shortly. I just, I hope for peace in our world. That sounds so cliche, but like, I just hope for, i hope for a cure for cancer.
Speaker: i hope for a cure for brain tumors and more understanding for brain tumors. And like, I hope. to get answers. I think that will resonate with everyone. I think everybody wants answers in in their journey, no matter what their diagnosis is, no matter what their treatment plan is, no matter where they are in their journey. I think hope and answers can go hand in hand very easily for sure.
Speaker: Cassie, how has all of this rewired your mind? I feel like it's rewired my mind to be considerate of others and know that my world's not the only world going on, even momentarily. Like I might feel like it's all about me, but there's so much more out there. It's just rewired my mind to...
Speaker: to love everybody. Like everybody's got a story. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for for joining me and sharing your story. i appreciate the the different perspective that you shared and and particularly that that space in between of trying to find where you fit and then making your own space. I love that. If people want to connect and learn more, where can they find you?
Speaker: I have Facebook and Instagram. It's just Cassie Selfridge, cast out Selfridge. And I have just email cast out Selfridge at gmail.com. Awesome. Well, I will include all of those in the show notes for listeners who want to get in touch. And I appreciate you joining me.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, and if anybody ends up with central nervous lymphoma, it's just on Facebook. There's a group, central nervous lymphoma, friendship and survivors group. So that's my little group on there. Awesome. I'll include that one, too. Thanks, Cassie.
Speaker: Yeah, thank you.
Speaker: Thank you for being part of the rewired minds community, full show notes, resources, and a transcript for today's conversation can be found at rewired hyphen minds.com. If you or someone, you know, has a brain tumor story to share, I'd love to hear from you visit rewired hyphen minds.com to learn more about collaborating on a future episode. This podcast is a one woman labor of love. It's a true honor to bring it to your ears and facilitate connection among the brain tumor community. If this episode resonated with you, please rate, review, and share with someone who might need to hear it.
Speaker: The stories shared in this podcast are personal accounts from the brain tumor community for informational and awareness purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. Always consult with qualified healthcare care professionals regarding your specific situation.
