Transcript
Speaker: Sometimes I think about that. I'm like, you know what? Why am I sad right now? Like, I've seen my mom's dead body. Like, there are things that could be worse.
Speaker: Welcome to the Crafts in Your Dream podcast. If you are grieving or just going through a hard time in your life, I hope that this podcast can bring you some joy and help you feel less alone. My name is Kenya, also known as Chronically Kenya Online by over 100 ,000 people. And I use crafts to navigate the loss of my mom and becoming disabled. So I decided to start a podcast, Friday Crafts, and I agreed with other people so we could talk about real life together. And today I have my dear friend, Caitlin. She is a mental health and sober living advocate and one of my favorites online to crescent our podcast with our very best. episode. So everybody, this is Caitlin Rotman.
Speaker: here And you see she's got this. Super cool package in her hand. And everyone's going to do a craft and they don't know what it is. So, Caitlin, I'll let you do the honors.
Speaker: Don't.
Speaker: that Oh, I picked this because you said that you were in a season of growing and you also said that blue makes you think of your mom. And so I thought maybe if you painted this, you could have it like around your house as like a nice little reminder. So I love it.
Speaker: I'm excited. I want the same thing too. So. You're going to get unboxed, and you're probably going to be like, well, how does she have water and scissors if you didn't tell her what she was doing? Because I told her. I'm talking about your scissors, obviously. Gotta help with the set -up, I believe.
Speaker: I know. I can't believe them pain in it just Perhaps just make life better. who doesn't love a good craft That's what I'm saying. Oh my gosh, Brandy!
Speaker: So it's been a crazy year for you, a year and a half, right? Yeah. It's been a journey for her. ingar small okay You said your mom died a year and a half ago? Yeah, January 6, 2025.
Speaker: Yeah, and I am... It's all. You said that you're having a hard time. or like growing and learning who you are. Now that she's gone, I've been lying for you.
Speaker: I think it's just been hard. Hold on, I dropped the mic. Oh, you're fine. I think because... I... relied on my mom so much.
Speaker: Like... growing up and even just in my adulthood years you know she did a lot of things for me and she was always someone one that like I would call like I could just rely on.
Speaker: And. you know, with her being gone, it's just kind of learning how to like. do all that and just kind of be my own person without having. that back like not backup but like that person there that i could call for literally anything you know
Speaker: yeah wrong like I look at food in my fridge sometimes and I'm like, yeah I wish I could call my mom and ask if this is expired. If this is still good. you know Just like little shit like that. oh yeah I feel that like sometimes with my mom. and I've never been one of those black girls that could do their own hair. And my mom always did her own. She did my hair, obviously, but she always did her own hair. And I have tried this conquest over the years to try to do my own hair. And a couple of days ago.
Speaker: I was trying. I did not get it sorted and I just wanted to call my mom and be like, what am I doing wrong? You know, it's like the little stuff. I find that growing also like. into a new version of yourself. Mom hasn't met.
Speaker: can be difficult to mark any things or doing something new. And... It's like something I would want to share with my mom or need support from my mom that can be challenging. How do you deal?
Speaker: Are you dealing with that? I know like you've started this new dance journey and stuff. but Those are the moments where it's just like nice to have somebody. in your corner Exactly. Yeah, it's been I definitely struggle with that a lot, especially like, and I feel I struggle that really with my kids. like Every time they hit a milestone, every time... like Halloween's coming up or, you know, anything like that. And I'm like, I wish I could just show my mom, like my youngest was.
Speaker: three when she passed away so now she's about to be five and it's like she's she's talking so much and every time I hear her talk I'm always like oh I wish mom could hear her talk I know she would love her. And you know it's the same for me. like There's so many things I wish my mom could see.
Speaker: with me and, you know, just. And it's been. It's hard to like accept that she'll never see this version of me. It's just... It sucks.
Speaker: It does and I think that people want to When, like, talking about grief or give grief advice, they want to always end the statement positive. But I don't think grief is that you can always end. Positive, right? you away go It really does. like There is no sugarcoating it. There is no but.
Speaker: It just sucks. just but Every day. Every day. It just sucks. I got my... I'm all out of tact. I'll let you.
Speaker: I am. I'm just opening all the paint now. I know. The little teeny paint cups. And I've got big old fingers. I've got them open. and this cute little canvas i was like how are we supposed to tell what numbers were to paint but the numbers are on there I was like.
Speaker: confused why it said i needed scissors when it's already cut out but you know it's okay Learn more about packaging. You know I'm trying to get this little label off of. it's For anybody who is listening and not watching, we are just trying to set up our craft. It's a post -production struggle. and I'll take a picture of that later.
Speaker: It is. This is for Kenya at another time. We'll worry about that later. We'll worry about that later. That's kind of, um I don't know if you think about that.
Speaker: When my mom... First, I like the first few months afterwards, something would come up and I would be like, you know what? That's for later. I just feel like everything was a, I don't have time for this right now. My mom is dead.
Speaker: No, for real though. have a bit about that i'm like you know what why am i sad right now like i've seen my mom's dead body like Two things that could be worse. yeah Yes, absolutely. And a really normal day. And then all of a sudden the picture of your mom being digital.
Speaker: No, apparently. What? boil hour Wait a minute. and I'm just trying to do my dishes. it's literally always at the most random time too like it it happens a lot and i'm always like why am I thinking about this right now? Like, and it's like,
Speaker: I can remember the feeling of it. It was just, it's not it. I tell people like it was honestly traumatic. Yeah. It's so traumatic. It is, so people don't talk about that very much.
Speaker: that is a drop watching someone die like looking at a dead body specifically a dead body of but your most loved person. In here, the people are like, oh, I'm trying to like be who I was before. You can't! you saw a dead body it's so normalized like you know and of course you're there's ways where I feel very lucky that I got to to be with my mom at the end of her life because I know that there's a lot of people that don't get that type of closure but it's also so traumatic like Just...
Speaker: Yeah. And then it's like. In your brain, you're just trying to... Take a shower. Yeah, Vietnam. Snap. No, every time. Just the most random. Those are still helpful.
Speaker: They're wrong. it's like oh the sun is shining my outfit was cute today but you remember your mom was dead yeah Literally, it just never goes away. Yes, I thought about that when I was thinking about how you said.
Speaker: that one of the things that you struggle with is like feeling guilty for still like missing your mom sometimes. I wish that society didn't make us feel you have this Greek window and then like things are supposed to just go back to normal because like you said just now. It will.
Speaker: It will never be the same. You can't. You can't bring her back to life, you know, at this moment. Where? my looking at my paint by number like tiny numbers. One of these moments where It's like.
Speaker: How could someone expect me to be over this? You know, be I'm fundamentally different. For the first time, I came back to my own house and I laid on my couch. And I have this one neighbor who's just incredibly loud.
Speaker: And I was like, God. life is still going on college and he was just being loud and i was like Oh. Everything just keeps going on. You have like moments like that, you know?
Speaker: Yeah, exactly. I do. because that's That's how I felt pretty much all last year. yeah I'm not going to lie. Like I was. Last year was so... bad and you know i i relapsed last year and then i had a bunch of shit going on. And I was just like,
Speaker: Life doesn't just stop just because, you know. I lost someone. Like it keeps going. Everyone else's days keep going. Like nothing changed for anyone else except for me. And it like made me angry sometimes too. Cause I'm like.
Speaker: I don't know. i just It's like you go through so many emotions with grief. And like for me, I feel a lot of anger sometimes. It sucks feeling like that. It does. And you don't know how to put words to it. but it's You're angry at your circumstances and then you're angry that everything is so normal when it's not. the next The concept of having like.
Speaker: a normal day in your mom's state is so strange, at least for me, because I'm still in year one. My mom died in November of last year. And so it'll be one year and two months, which is...
Speaker: So crazy to me. And this year, I feel emotionally I have been. I have days where I'm just. Yeah. its Emily.
Speaker: Don't look at me. Don't breathe in my area of breath. How dare you be laughing today? It's not that I want other people to be miserable. I just so...
Speaker: Okay. you know And so it's nice to hear you say that, like hear when you were off. inc I was, and I would like, would catch myself trying to say.
Speaker: like sometimes i'm like oh this person's a bad friend and then i'm like why are they a bad friend and it's like Oh, cause they have both parents. And I'm like, that's, that's not like, you know, but that's the type of that, like my brain went through last year. Like it was trying to get me to be angry at like my friends that had both parents. And I'm like.
Speaker: Listen, like that's not a good reason to be mad at anyone. It's just... Yeah. I have this moment where I was in the airport. It was one of my first times flying after my mom died. And there was a woman, I'm going to call her, she was in her 70s roughly. She was being pushed by a woman who looked like she was in her 40s.
Speaker: I knew it was mother and daughter because. The woman pushing the woman was like, mom, yada, yada, yada. And I remember being so mad. I was like, what do you mean?
Speaker: people get to grow old with their moms. Like even though before my mom died, I never would have had an eye at that. My mom died at 46 and I was 28. So... watching people. be with their elderly parents sometimes, I'm like,
Speaker: Little bitch.
Speaker: It's not fair. It's not fair saying it's fair, but that's what your brain is on grief. Like it's a little angry monster. It's a little jealous fellas. It's like.
Speaker: and realistically i want that woman to get to spend as much time with her mom as she can i genuinely do But... I was just so angry.
Speaker: And that's part of why I wanted to like. craft on the podcast and do crafts and why i've leaned into it so much was one it was something my mom loved and it makes me feel connected to her but also I think when you're grieving, sometimes you have to make intentional time.
Speaker: tune. do something that makes you happy because at least for me my default emotional state right now is like angry or frustrated. And I have to... intentionally try to put joy in my life, which is why I do this.
Speaker: i love watching your dancing videos they make me so happy how is that journey of like doing something completely brand new and trying to find joy throughout this time in your life.
Speaker: Tell me about that. It honestly has been the best thing that I've done this year for myself. It's just I it's like healing something inside of me that I didn't even know, like needed healing. And it's just, it's also helping my grief journey because you know, something I feel like I've. liked.
Speaker: Like... a lot of times is having a good support. And so like, especially in person, you know, it's like I have good friends, but I feel like it's hard to, you know, meet up and we don't see each other that often. But like with dance, I see these girls almost every week now. They're all so nice. And my dance teacher is truly amazing. you know she Make sure it's a a safe space for everyone. And it really shows with how everyone treats each other. So it's just. It's been really...
Speaker: amazing and it's honestly been making me so happy I love watching the videos and watching just like... your confidence grow in the videos and the steps and I also love you know, I'm a sucker for a good moment of vulnerability and just How vulnerable you are in your your captions when you talk about all the dance and I think that you know, dance isn't a craft, but it's an art form in the sense of
Speaker: When we are taking time and we're doing something with our bodies, whether it's with our hands or whole bodies, you know, I met a creator the other day who. makes was struggle with postpartum depression and started making sourdough. I think When we are intentional about moving and doing and creating that it it is healing like it's been proved that it's you know,
Speaker: people People need community and people need creativity. and I think whenever you find what that is for you, it can really like change your life. I can't imagine.
Speaker: the last year of my life without crafting because i like you said having in -person community can be challenging and i don't have one um i've only lived here for three years and i've been sick for you know a year and a half of it and so i don't really have like in -person people and so i think that being able to create has really been my little like safety net, but I love, I love hearing that and seeing it. And
Speaker: Just a minute. I love watching people be happy, especially when they're going through stuff. Dealing with grief on top of, like, the normal things with, like, no, you've already... your moms did but like You still have bad customers at work sometimes or bad days with your friends on top of all that stuff. so How do you... manage your relationships with people in your life now that like you're grieving as well.
Speaker: I don't open up easily. So like it's been really hard trying to, you know. open up and actually admit you know I'm feeling sad today or like today is a hard day or you know something reminded me of my mom like I honestly keep it very bottled up and I feel like that's why I use social media the way I do because it's
Speaker: It's different when you're opening up to someone you know and with other like online it's like okay i don't know like a lot of these people so like they're not gonna judge me they're not gonna because if they judge me then it's like okay i don't care but if it's like a friend or something then i'm like Now my feelings are hurt and now I'm never going to open up again. and yeah I've been really trying to work on that with my boyfriend so it's just that's been really hard but he's been really there for me and he makes it easy for me to open up so that's
Speaker: how I've been noticing that is like I'm actually opening up and stuff so it's but it's new I think there's a fine balance too of having people that you trust enough you can open up to and them supporting you it's like a But there has to be comfort, I think, to share these super vulnerable things with someone. And I also agree. Sometimes.
Speaker: it is easier to like talk to a screen and put it up on the internet. versus having to have like a real conversation with somebody that knows you deeply. How has dating post -parent death, like, what is that like? Because...
Speaker: You know, when you're dating, there's the milestone of me, my mom. Call your mom, you have a good date, you have a bad date. What has that been like? That's also been hard because it's like I you know would tell my mom pretty much like, oh, look, I'm dating this guy or like I'm dating this guy. you know like she knew I was very open about it with her. and so It's...
Speaker: It's just hard that she I haven't honestly been dating, so like but I have a boyfriend now, and that's you know we've been dating for a few months now. And it does suck because it's like, I wish she could be here to meet him. like He's a great guy. and like you know she doesn't get that chance to meet him and he doesn't get the chance to meet her so it's definitely hard End.
Speaker: Makes me emotional. Yeah, that's all. I could imagine. I, you know, I'm married, but sometimes My mom. She just got me. in a way that I feel no one else in my life has ever got me. And there are moments where, you know, in my marriage
Speaker: I'm trying to communicate something or I'm trying to get a point across and I just can't and I wish that I could call my mom and be like this is what I'm trying to say. It's not coming out, right? It's not like Help me. I feel... I remember...
Speaker: When? We were in the hospital and I was talking to the chaplain. He sent the chaplain up to come sit with me. um One of the days I was with my mom by myself and I told him.
Speaker: He asked me one of my biggest fears with losing my mom. And I said, I feel like the only person who's ever known me in my life is leaving me.
Speaker: And. It's... this. Weird. because You know, everybody wants to be known, right? To be seen. And that was kind of my relationship with my mom throughout the years was sometimes she knew me even when I didn't want her to know me. I was like, woman.
Speaker: Enough is enough. I want your advice right now. But there, as I get older, you know, there are like milestones and I'm like, gosh. I need her to tell me what I don't wanna hear right now.
Speaker: yeah Yeah, I get that. You just want your mom there because she gives like the best advice. Yeah. and was When you're saying anything.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Sometimes... Howdy. I'm really weird. and Anybody who follows me online will probably know that and I wasn't comfortable being weird for a long time but I was always weird with my mom. And it would be nine o 'clock at night and I would call her.
Speaker: And be like, I just remixed this song. You want to hear it? and
Speaker: You know, like you said, you struggle being vulnerable. I think that she was the first person where I was just like myself, you know. And I find... it's such a strange loss you know because life goes on It can feel like it doesn't.
Speaker: Who wasn't? Sometimes you just... It's it's it's. I always try to describe this journey and the only word I can ever say is just it's just hard It's hard and it's confusing and like there's just so many things that go into it Yes, and there's... There's no... Lame. Playbook.
Speaker: There's not. You don't leave the hospital and they hand you. They hand you all kinds of stuff, but they don't hand you a... And this is how you live now. You just leave the hospital and it's... Okay, well...
Speaker: Let's... do this, you know? and Your youngest, you said, was three when your mom died. How old are your other kids? So... They were...
Speaker: One was... He's 10 now. She's gonna be five. So one was eight One was... I could just subtract two from their birthday.
Speaker: So much harder. What? And then one was... 13. Okay, so it's hit in 13. Age gap babies too. That's kind of, my family's got some gaps in it. little brother is, uh,
Speaker: He was 15 when my mom died, but I also have me my mom's niece and nephew who she... took like care of a lot. And they were six and seven when my mom died. And I i was the person who ended up telling them. And I've cells.
Speaker: I don't know if you... probably if you have this struggle specifically with your older kids, but You have your own grief and then it's like navigating the grief of these like small children holding like space for their grief, but also your grief. And, you know, I'm a sibling, not a mom, but I'm sure like, can you tell me like how that is, especially with your older two kids?
Speaker: Yeah, so you know because they were really close with her. you know especially my oldest. So, you know, the first week I remember I let them take the whole week off. we went Up to Sedona, like... My family flew in. So it was just... about I remember checking up on them often, always being like.
Speaker: are you guys doing okay you need to let me know like if you're not you know just be open like whatever feeling you're feeling is Normal, you know, just I was just constantly reminding them And I think my biggest thing is just letting them know they can talk about.
Speaker: like her anything whenever they feel the need to and just always reminding them and just letting them know, like they can talk about it and just. it's a safe space and that whatever feelings they have are, you know.
Speaker: Are there, but. I feel like other than that, it's honestly with them, it hasn't been two. I think that they... adjust pretty well just because they're kids, you know, so.
Speaker: They're resilient little sponges. They are. But we do like every now and then they'll be like. I wish she were here. Like, Grammys would love this, you know, because that's what they called her. so Yeah. actually can Okay, find those moments, okay?
Speaker: I find those moments so hard. I, when I was home, Um... The last time I visited my family would have been in June. I went home for my mom's birthday because it was... You know, her first birthday since she died, and my grandma wanted our whole family to be together. And I was like, okay, so I flew home. And...
Speaker: I was talking to one of the kids about something and... I think it was my mom's nephew. And he's seven now. And he said, Oh, yeah, we did this before Nikki died. So it was a long time ago. And it was in his brain. He kind of timestamps things like before my mom died and afterwards. And he was so casual about it. He was like,
Speaker: Yeah, you know, yeah, we've done that. We did it before Nikki died. And I was like... Yeah. Yes! Keep it casual, can you? Talk about her. Absolutely. Yeah. But.
Speaker: It's like our kids are so... I was eight when my stepdad died. And so... navigated parent loss very different stages. And it's always so...
Speaker: Sometimes I wish. adults could be more like they were when they were kids where you could just so casually be like I wish my mom was here today. And, oh, I'm feeling sad about this today without, you know, how society makes us feel like we have to just. keep going. It kind of feels like for me, and you can tell me your thoughts.
Speaker: I felt like. you get a 90 -day grace period after your parent dies and then like people start kind of checking on you they're like oh shoot you should be good now you should be settled but You're not. And I wish that that was talked about more on like. with grief is that there is no timeline, you know, there is no end of the road or like anything like that. Like it is never ending. And it's just.
Speaker: But it's hard to not feel guilty after like those 90 days. You're right though. Like people stop checking up on you, you know, and it's just. why am I feeling guilty for even being sad about this? Like my friends are going to get so annoyed with me or like, you know, it just, or just thinking like that. And it's. hard to be like understanding that that's what friends are there for and they're not going to get annoyed but it's just for some reason it just seems like grief has this timeline It does, and I think that's...
Speaker: What it is, is the comfortability of others. After 90 days, people are kind of like, oh, we're still talking about this. you know And I kind of think that's the beauty of grief community. I had some people in my life that thought it was weird. like the whole grief online thing and Without grieving online, I don't know how I would have made it through the last year of my life. Not that there weren't people that were there for me, but...
Speaker: Until you experience... Like. a soul crushing Grief. I don't think people can really wrap their heads around the fact that Every single day.
Speaker: I am reminded that my mom missed it. Some days, it's a small little thing. And some days it's... Big old thing. and There's no time on that. And there are some days that are so easy that...
Speaker: I'm like my brain just thinks she's on vacation or something. And then there are days where it's not. And exactly like you said, I wish society was more. honest because I really think that's what it is like honest with.
Speaker: It's these griefs are and I think that our generation is And, ah you know, in a lot of ways, we're breaking those cycles. But I remember I got a message.
Speaker: in the beginning of my content creator career where. It was from, you know, probably a bot creator, but it was the account that said. Grief is done in silence.
Speaker: And I just thought, I read that, and I said, that's... Help. Grief kills people. You know. done in silence like that. So I totally... I know that you shared recently that you are navigating, you know, going through a relapse and you shared that. it was okay to let go but make mistakes and I think.
Speaker: i'd love to hear you talk about that a little bit more Yeah. So... I relapsed. And. July. And it lasted.
Speaker: All the way until, like... August 8th, I think. So that was... Pretty rough. And. I like at first I was like all right I'm gonna have this beer because I had ordered like an NA beer they brought me out you know the same thing that happened to me in Seattle except this time like I knew deep down it wasn't an NA and I was like I'm just gonna drink it.
Speaker: You know, I'll be fine when I get home because I was in California at the time and then I came back and... was casually drinking and then it turned into, you know, my typical. shit where I'm like drinking every day and then I'm like drinking for the wrong reasons just because I don't want to be sober now and then I was drinking because I was like I'm already fucking up like might as well keep fucking up, you know, like I just kept telling myself You're just, you're fucking up.
Speaker: you've already done it like just keep going and then it's like I thought, so now I feel like, so now I'm gonna keep drinking. And then towards the end, when I decided to get sober and was like going to take it seriously because I was like, all right, I'm done drinking. I was like, I'm allowed to fuck.
Speaker: This doesn't erase all my progress that I've done. This doesn't erase anything. Like it just means it was a little bump in the road and I can absolutely get back. On that road. End.
Speaker: Go back. to where I'm going to be going. Yeah, and I think that's like... I think that's so important for people to know. You are allowed to make mistakes in any capacity as human beings.
Speaker: We'd really been conditioned that. Either you're a fuck -up or you're not. And... Either you do it right perfectly through and through forever, or you you're just a fuck up again, and...
Speaker: I think that's so unrealistic. And I'm so proud of you. And you shared a post that said, I would rather have a hundred day ones than convince myself, you know, i'm I'm not worth starting over. And I think... That is so beautiful because...
Speaker: Having a day one means that You've decided. You want to change something. You want to change and a behavior in your life. and I...
Speaker: i have I will see you. I got diagnosed a few months ago and I have just right OCD, which is the higher fixation of doing things just right. and it comes from the deep -rooted wound I have from always having to be perfect and not allowing myself to make mistakes to the point that it got out of control that I me gets like how to do everything. Right.
Speaker: and it has started to cons consume my life. And I think that I had permission at different stages of my life to make the mistakes, to not be perfect. you know So I'm gonna stop. get back through this, maybe it wouldn't.
Speaker: can you control so much of my life now I just love. Love your continuum. willingness to try. because I think We are off. Bye now.
Speaker: you know everybody has something about themselves that is a bad habit or an addiction or something that they feel like they shouldn't do or as detrimental to their health. that they're patterns. no matter what.
Speaker: Everybody, you know they say everybody has an addiction, right? and I think about people, how many people have come, so like the voice that you said about. I'm already fucking up, so I might as well just keep fucking up and actually just stay a fuck up. And I've said those same things to myself.
Speaker: Well, I already fucked up, so I might as well just keep fucking up. But it's like... You don't have to. Even though it feels like it, maybe the world makes you feel like... Well, you're fucked up. You're obviously being fucked up. and but that's also like why I post even my dance videos like making mistakes
Speaker: yes Now we're filming. Yeah, I i love... I love that about you. Cheers. Being okay with being seen trying, you know I
Speaker: is something It's a big issue I have, like a therapy -level issue that I have of just being afraid to be seen. not good at something. My therapist told me these issues I have, like my own inner battles that I've had for a long time, they have become...
Speaker: bigger since my mom died. And my therapist told me that that makes sense because when you experience like a massive grief. Eeyore. grasping for things you can control. because your life is spinning out of your control and it starts making it easier or harder, easier to reach for like vices and things and harder to listen to.
Speaker: with the little voice in your head that's not wrapped into the compulsions or the things because its It's the part of you that's saying you need to control something right now. You need to control something.
Speaker: Apparently. I shared with my audience that when my followers and I got diagnosed with OCD and quite a few people told me, like messaged me and said that after their parents died, they got diagnosed with OCD. It's like your brain's way of.
Speaker: trying to cope. And I was like... Mwah! Or are we all just... When it rains it pours, right? I'm sorry.
Speaker: It's okay, you know. i I feel... like People like you who... are open about Not just the good, but the bad and the struggle. They make me feel...
Speaker: Thanks. It is okay to say. I've got this going on Smart. Going great. but it's my real life. end. And. and Because we're all human at the end of the day.
Speaker: And I think that. is so beautiful about. You know. mental health advocates, grief advocacy, sober living. And the reason that people like us have platforms is because people will want to feel.
Speaker: human connection you know like No spaces. i think Anyway. um I agree though, because I feel like a lot of people. nowadays it's just well not nowadays but before it was like all highlight reels of social media everyone's lives like all the good oh look at this look what i accomplished oh my god look at this but it's like The reality is, it's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's...
Speaker: um And it's been. honestly for me, really helpful to have. this community. you know And it's just on the hard days when I like post something, you know the amount of...
Speaker: people who say they feel the same way just you're like wow i'm not alone you know like there's so many other people that feel this way but when you're in that moment you feel alone and then you're like well shit this sucks This is Lonely.
Speaker: Yeah. And grief already, as you said, grief already makes you feel so lonely because. It's this, like... steep pain inside of you and then You.
Speaker: If you don't have other people directly accessible to you that are also feeling the same kind of pain. You just feel alone, especially, as you said, with the highlight reels and everything looking beautiful on the Internet. I know there's been days where I.
Speaker: I'm just in pain. I'm just grieving my mom and I'm just sad. And I. open my Instagram to try to distract myself and All you see is just everybody being happy. It makes...
Speaker: it can make the pain worse you know in those moments at least for me and it's not this is not me saying I don't want to see people be happy, but when you are not happy Just scrolling and seeing happiness happiness happiness happiness When you're dealing with something really heavy, it can make you feel very isolated. And I think that's like.
Speaker: The beauty of. the internet and people like us in our platforms and Huh? I met Caitlin. a year ago. a little bit after her mom died and a little bit before my mom died.
Speaker: They're A. creator group. And I will just say she has been endlessly wonderful and supportive of me as a person. So if you... are this is your first time ever seeing or hearing anything about her, you should give her a follow. I will have all of her links below, but she is truly just a wonderful, inspirational. Honest woman, and she skateboards. Much.
Speaker: How cool is that? i to never. But you do it. Whenever I see a video of you skateboarding with a cup of coffee or something... That's a badass woman.
Speaker: That's who I want to be when I grow up. Blank. When you're a kid and you think about what you want to be as an adult, it's an adult with a cup of coffee and a skateboard. What do you mean? You have free will and you can just skateboard with a cup of coffee. That's so cool.
Speaker: Sometimes, though, I forget that I have free will. When I went out dressed as Pitbull that one day, I was like... Because I have the wig, like the bald cap sitting in my bathroom. I forgot that you did that. I'm like, why do I need to wait for Halloween to dress like Pitbull? So I was like, you know what? I'm going to dress like Pitbull. Like, you know, and the girl, like I went to Ulta and did that and the girls loved it. They're like, damn, I didn't know Mr. Worldwide was here. not
Speaker: Yay! love it and i think like when we talk about finding joy in their hardships it's moments of free will like that like your mom probably would have thought that was crazy and so funny and laughed at you and like my daughter because my mom she loved to hit me with my child Good.
Speaker: trying oh god Child. ah But... I just, yes, like finding intentional free will, like put on the pit bull cap, you know?
Speaker: Dude, why not? Exactly Why not? What's stopping you? I was trying on wigs the other day and I... Now, I didn't get it because it was... It was too much, but I tried on a bleach like a bleach blonde bob And I said, like. In another life, I would be an international super spy in this book.
Speaker: it was I was giving international super style and I was throwing myself at it. Yeah. But I didn't get it. Not because... of the latter free will, but because it wasn' a locked was Bossed.
Speaker: even for me. but Wear the bald cap. Paint the picture. Speak more about the coffee cup. And you're not alone. No.
Speaker: Not at all. How much progress have you made? This is what I have. I honestly don't even want to show mine. Okay, you don't have to. I'm just kidding. I will. But it's it's just...
Speaker: No. It's okay. It's cute! Yours looks really good. Okay. I didn't realize these numbers were going to be. So what you guys have to understand about these crafts is I'm just seeing boxes and buying them and open them with people.
Speaker: I didn't realize these numbers were going to be so small. And for that... I'm sorry. I said it's both of them. to be talking and looking at these tiny numbers. I did. I set us up. But it's a learning experience and we're learning together. but it was a lot of fun like i haven't painted something like this in so long and i've been telling like my work i'm like i want to do like a paint night and like this is so fun I know. I'm gonna finish it. I'm super stoked about it. But I was sitting here.
Speaker: I'm thinking about the questions I want to ask. I needed to pick a craft where the numbers weren't microscopic. I'm like, this is a 6, this is a 9 What did she say about her mom? Okay, Mary.
Speaker: That's literally been me. I've been like Oh. Okay. um Right, not to get it in frame, and then I'm trying to make sure my like I'm in frame, so I'm like...
Speaker: But you know what? We had fun. And the point of this whole podcast is to talk about real life stuff and to have fun. So I feel accomplished. Even though. You know what? I am accomplished. We accomplished. We had a good talk.
Speaker: We did a craft. I'm proud of you. You got something on there. Yours is good, though. like I see a flower. you know i really was unsure until i added this number three blue right here and i said okay okay there's something coming there's probably a strategy to this like maybe picking a color and doing it all That was my initial thought. I was like, I'll do all of these.
Speaker: twos and then somehow I ended up with the green then I don't know Bye. I think if I would have been locked in one color at a time. But it's going to be so cute. And so what we're going to do is we're going to finish these. Before the episode is live, we'll we'll post a picture so I have a cover photo.
Speaker: But, like, you see the bitch? I do. I'm so proud of us I'm proud of us for just existing because grief is hard.
Speaker: Grieving is lonely. And then other shit happens. And you still got to keep living. You still got to keep being a mom. You still have to keep being a sibling. You still have to keep being a human being.
Speaker: And. That's... It's like you said, the summer of it all. is yeah Grief is hard. And I like like exactly what you said, too, like it just keeps like life just keeps going.
Speaker: no matter what life throws at you like the year my mom died so much shit literally happened back to back like my car got repoed after my mom died i remember that like i i went outside my car was just gone And they like were like, yeah, we repoed you because it was in your mom's name and there's been no payments on it. And I'm like, yeah, because my mom's dead. There was a whole bunch of issues with that. And like I couldn't change her name. So I'm like... but life keeps moving i got bills to pay kids to take care of like my grief doesn't get i don't get to just sit in bed like it just I have a life. It sucks. Yeah. Like after my mom died, I had, I spent.
Speaker: Six weeks, I got very lucky, sort of lucky. So I became disabled in April and I was on leave from work when my mom died. The beauty of that, I guess, was that I got to be with my family for six weeks because I didn't have a job, technically. And so I spent six weeks in Virginia, but it was thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars because.
Speaker: I was staying with my family but I still had to get around. There was the plane tickets because my mom had a stroke. I got it. It was the most random. day. I remember the night before I had stayed up all night reading. I was i read till five in the morning.
Speaker: And which is not uncommon for me, but I was just like, I was in a zone. I was just reading. It was 5 a .m. I finally went to sleep. I woke up at 10, took my dog outside to use the bathroom. I'm five hours asleep. I'm in like my big raggedy sweatpants from my high school boyfriend.
Speaker: And my phone rings, and it's my nanny. And she asked where my spouse is. And I said, why? And she's like, oh, um and she just starts crying. And then my uncle...
Speaker: grabs the phone and he's like your mom had a stroke of flying her from this hospital to this hospital And that's... I remember, I had a bag of dog shit in my hand.
Speaker: It's crazy. But I was like. What? like No. No. nas No. And so then I had to fly across the country and like, you know. So I'm out.
Speaker: And. Like everything. I remember I got a call from the disability office. Like this lady, she she was like. I'm trying to get in touch with you and I missed the doctor's appointment. Kind of an important one for like my claim. The nurse at the doctor's office called me.
Speaker: And she was. super great. She was like, you know, because it' so it was a wait list for this appointment. I did. I was on wait list. And she was like, do you know that you were supposed to be at Sosa's office yesterday morning? And I said to her.
Speaker: I was laying in my grandma's bed. Looking at the ceiling. Answer the phone. She starts talking and I said My mom died yesterday. yeah That's what I...
Speaker: My mom died yesterday. And she's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Just let me know when you're ready to go. I was like, okay, bye. Because... The... I get it, the world keeps moving, but your world is like...
Speaker: Yeah. And then after my mom died, I had... health problems and then there was all the The paperwork of death. The paperwork.
Speaker: The amount of shit that you have to go through like I was like What is all this? I know nothing about any of this and like the amount of meetings I had to go to after I was like.
Speaker: This is terrible. it was crazy and then like my mom's not married and My younger brother's dad. was not is not like a big part of his life and so My mom is like dying. Like, we know she's not going to make it. And they pulled me into this room at the hospital because I had to talk to a social worker.
Speaker: Normally. I'm just a kid. do you know this about your mom? Do you know this about your brother? Do you know? And I'm like, let me call my grandma let me call yeah I can I know this okay maybe this and they're handing me pamphlets and they're like all the phone calls and you're just like
Speaker: his And it's... I think...
Speaker: It makes grief weird because you don't even really... grieve i think initially like there's the there's the heartbreak of like time of death dead and then it's phone calls phone calls phone calls phone calls phone calls phone calls phone calls paperwork paperwork paperwork the interesting but people i had to text the day after like the day my mom died was just that's all i spent my time doing going through her phone texting this person i was like oh she talks to this person let me text them you know and then yeah Like you just don't get to properly grieve, I feel like.
Speaker: No, you're just, I made a post about this. The people really resonated. And I just said, you just go into admin mode and it's so hard because it's, you're in admin mode and you're trying to grieve and then life keeps going on. And how do you find time for joy? How do you find time for yourself? Like to not be a zombie. And that's like part of.
Speaker: Why I advertise, you know, for crafting, dancing, cooking, whatever, just taking an hour like we did today for yourself. Talk to a friend. paint a really tiny paint by number.
Speaker: like You have to, because otherwise you will be consumed. in the mess that is grief and death. I mean... Just all of it. like And don't even get me started on. the process of funeral homes and planning.
Speaker: Absolutely. That's a whole... Thank you. I would say the people at our funeral home, lovely. The concept of how it all works.
Speaker: Great, Steve. Great scene. Bye. Luckily, when my mom died, I didn't really have to deal with the funeral process because she knew it was coming. so she had everything set up for where she wanted to go at least like because when it came time for the funeral i was like oh we're going to to this place because that's what your mom said and i'm like oh she already had this planned out But it is a lot. We still had to go down there. We had to see the body. It was the whole process.
Speaker: Yeah. And that is also traumatic. is No. I do. It was crazy. It's something and I haven't even really... figured out how to talk about in my content or just in general of how.
Speaker: whirlwind of the time that was and I try to advocate like on my content a lot of being your parents next of kin because from one second I was a kid whose mom died and the next I was the overseer of an estate Amen.
Speaker: It was. I had to. I was like pretty much the overseer of my mom's entire... eulogy like the whole and they they want Although you have to put the relatives that have gone before. Luckily, my grandma and my great aunts were there because I was like.
Speaker: I'm just a baby. I don't mean to... know these people? And they brought, I was like. Or... There's so much that goes into it that like no one warns you about.
Speaker: No! And then it's just, it's so crazy. And so I'm so thankful to have. met you and to get to grieve with you and again i'm sorry our pay my number was so tiny okay i'm so sorry guys you'll be sorry it was a good time It's cute, though. like We're going to have two cute pictures. but
Speaker: Thank you, Caitlin, for joining me for my very first episode and yapping with me and taking some time out of your day. And thank you to anyone who is still listening for listening to the very first episode of the Crafty Grouping podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, I would love for you to follow or subscribe on your platform of choice. If you would like to see the video footage, I would say of the craft being done.
Speaker: Sort of, kind of. It will be on YouTube and we will be in this together. And I will see you in two weeks for another episode of Crafty Grieving. I love you and I mean that. And I'll see you later.