Transcript
Speaker: Greetings, minions, and welcome to this month's feature.
Speaker: It's May of 2024, and we'll get to the audio goodness as soon as you sign here.
Speaker: And here, and here, and right here.
Speaker: Do you ever feel like the insurance industry cares more about making money than taking care of its valued customers?
Speaker: Yeah, me too.
Speaker: This month on 11th Hour Audio, Cornucopia Radio presents Your Life is in Our Hands.
Speaker: Written by Jonathan Sire and produced by friend of the show Peter Beeston, Your Life is in Our Hands gives us a peek behind the curtain of JM Insurance, a company that can freeze time and whisk you out of harm's way, as long as your premiums are up to date.
Speaker: It's a fun story that's very much tongue-in-cheek, but with just enough gallows humor to give it a dark edge.
Speaker: Enjoy the program, and you can have a seat in the office when it's over.
Speaker: Cornucopia Radio presents... Your Life in Our Hands by Jonathan Sayer
Speaker: Um, excuse me.
Speaker: Don't step there.
Speaker: That bit of the floor is quite slippy.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: Oh, sorry.
Speaker: Um, can you help?
Speaker: I'm... One moment.
Speaker: Excuse me, but I really need... One moment, sir.
Speaker: Please, I think... Are you any good at crosswords?
Speaker: What's a nine-letter word starting with A?
Speaker: The clue is couldn't care less.
Speaker: Um... apathetic?
Speaker: No I'm not.
Speaker: That's not a very nice thing to say.
Speaker: N-no!
Speaker: If I couldn't care less, then I am... apathetic!
Speaker: There's no need to be harsh on yourself either, sir.
Speaker: We're all friends here.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: No!
Speaker: No, no, no, no.
Speaker: The word!
Speaker: The word apathetic!
Speaker: It... Oh, it doesn't matter.
Speaker: Of course you matter.
Speaker: That's why you're here now.
Speaker: How can I help you today?
Speaker: Help me?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: The last thing I remember was having coffee.
Speaker: I got up, said goodbye, started walking across the road, and boom!
Speaker: I'm here.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: I'm dead.
Speaker: Am I dead?
Speaker: I can't be dead.
Speaker: I've got too much to do.
Speaker: I'm at a wedding this Friday.
Speaker: Oh, what will they think of me for spoiling the big day?
Speaker: She already hates me and I'm only going because it would look- Calm down, sir.
Speaker: You are not dead.
Speaker: You're in the office of JM Insurance.
Speaker: Your life in our hands.
Speaker: I... I don't understand.
Speaker: You took out a life insurance policy with us, did you not?
Speaker: Here, see, it looked like this.
Speaker: Well, yes, but- Well, there you go, then.
Speaker: See, it says it right here.
Speaker: When you took out the premium package, it gave you access to special benefits.
Speaker: We monitor each of our premium clients every minute of every day, and if we think you are about to have an accident, our specially trained personnel slow time down to the point just before it happens, in which case you arrive at our head office.
Speaker: Our technology allows us to stop time to that point just before the accident, but once you fill out your proper paperwork and pay the premium fee, our team will place you back just out of harm's way.
Speaker: Any questions?
Speaker: No?
Speaker: Good.
Speaker: Well, if you would like to just take a seat and someone will be with you shortly, here's a leaflet.
Speaker: It'll help you understand the process.
Speaker: Dear valued customer, Welcome to the office of JM Insurance, where your life is in our hands.
Speaker: Literally.
Speaker: Which is where the old underwear are stored.
Speaker: If you feel the need to vomit, run around in a panic, scream, shout, or generally lose it, please do so quietly.
Speaker: One final note, please try not to die on the premises, as this will cause a paradox, and then things will get very complicated.
Speaker: This is just... Unbelievable?
Speaker: Sure is.
Speaker: What a piece of technology.
Speaker: They could change the world.
Speaker: Stop wars, plant an entire crop field in a second to feed a starving nation, and what do they do with it?
Speaker: They make money.
Speaker: But... Mustn't grumble.
Speaker: We wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for them.
Speaker: The name's Charlie.
Speaker: Ed.
Speaker: So, how did you get here then?
Speaker: Well, uh... I was just having a drink and I stepped out into the road.
Speaker: Ah, I see.
Speaker: Well, not much flair, but it still counts.
Speaker: What about yourself?
Speaker: How did you get here?
Speaker: Is this your first time, too?
Speaker: First time?
Speaker: Of course not.
Speaker: I'm a regular.
Speaker: Regular?
Speaker: How can you be a regular?
Speaker: Multiple suicide attempts.
Speaker: They catch me every time.
Speaker: My first time, they caught me jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.
Speaker: I don't really remember what was wrong with me.
Speaker: Some argument over the price of fish, I think.
Speaker: Anyway, I found myself in this place.
Speaker: They put me back on a boat just underneath the bridge.
Speaker: Very clever thinking on their part.
Speaker: The captain was so scared he jumped overboard himself.
Speaker: Though luckily for him he had life insurance too, so everyone was a winner.
Speaker: Oh yes, lucky him.
Speaker: Now the second time, that was something special.
Speaker: Well, it would be, wouldn't it, if you knew you couldn't die?
Speaker: Me and the captain decided to team up and recreate the Titanic.
Speaker: It was great.
Speaker: Unfortunately we forgot his ship wasn't insured like us.
Speaker: We don't talk much anymore.
Speaker: So, how many times have you ended up here?
Speaker: This time was number 49.
Speaker: Though, I don't really think my heart was into it.
Speaker: I just want to get to the big 5-0, you know?
Speaker: You should come down.
Speaker: We're gonna have a party.
Speaker: Um... Look.
Speaker: What was your name again?
Speaker: Charlie, was it?
Speaker: If you want to commit suicide so much, why don't you just... You know... Cancel your insurance.
Speaker: Cancel it?
Speaker: Are you joking?
Speaker: My wife would kill me.
Speaker: Oh, that's me.
Speaker: Best of luck, champ.
Speaker: See you on the other side.
Speaker: He's nuts, that guy.
Speaker: Tell me about it.
Speaker: Oh, I thought I just did.
Speaker: So you did.
Speaker: So, how did you end up here?
Speaker: Please tell me you're not some skeptical self-slaughterer like him.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I'm a soldier.
Speaker: Oh, I see.
Speaker: Where about are you based?
Speaker: That doesn't matter.
Speaker: All I know is I am not going back.
Speaker: I can't go back.
Speaker: I can't go back.
Speaker: What do you mean?
Speaker: Well, when they stopped for me, I had dug myself into a corner, cut off from the rest of my group.
Speaker: I think I'm surrounded, but I daren't look up to find out.
Speaker: I've asked them if they could do anything for me here, but all they can do is place me back in close proximity to where I was.
Speaker: I don't know what to do.
Speaker: I'd wish they never took me out.
Speaker: That's awful.
Speaker: Surely they must be able to do something.
Speaker: I can't believe it.
Speaker: They refused me.
Speaker: I'm so close to 50 and they refused me.
Speaker: How can they?
Speaker: Something about using the service too much or some other bull crap.
Speaker: What am I going to do?
Speaker: I have to pay out the nose to get that 50.
Speaker: They said the choice is up to me.
Speaker: Either I pay the premium and get to walk out the safe door, or I take my chance with the other door and go back to the point they took me from.
Speaker: I don't see the problem.
Speaker: How bad can it be?
Speaker: I'm 50,000 feet in the air with no parachute.
Speaker: What am I supposed to do?
Speaker: Start flapping my arms like a bird?
Speaker: You think you've got problems?
Speaker: This guy's in the middle of a war.
Speaker: He's truly on the edge of death and all you care about is some stupid record?
Speaker: In the middle of a war?
Speaker: Did he tell you where he really was?
Speaker: Go on, tell him.
Speaker: Tell him where you are.
Speaker: Show some compassion, Charlie.
Speaker: For God's sake.
Speaker: Look, I've already told him where I am.
Speaker: I'm surrounded.
Speaker: There are colors flying everywhere around me.
Speaker: Did you hear that?
Speaker: Colors.
Speaker: He's in the middle of a damn paintball tournament.
Speaker: He's been here for seven hours because he's so competitive he won't go back and lose.
Speaker: You've got to be joking.
Speaker: Hey, there's $50 riding on this.
Speaker: It's not easy.
Speaker: I need the money.
Speaker: You're both insane.
Speaker: This whole place is...
Speaker: I can't take this place anymore.
Speaker: I need out.
Speaker: Can't you process me faster or something?
Speaker: We will deal with your near-death incident when your number is up and not before.
Speaker: And besides, those two are before you.
Speaker: But they're both nuts!
Speaker: They could be here for days!
Speaker: You can always choose the other option.
Speaker: Leave by the other door, take a chance.
Speaker: You might even make it out alive.
Speaker: You never know.
Speaker: According to your notes...
Speaker: You're about to have your head run over by an 8,000 pound SUV.
Speaker: Like I said, you never know.
Speaker: You can't do this.
Speaker: It's blackmail.
Speaker: It's business, Mr. Beale.
Speaker: A business that may well save your life.
Speaker: If you give us more money, of course.
Speaker: No, I mean you can't do this.
Speaker: Any of this.
Speaker: It's crazy.
Speaker: You're playing with the world like puppets.
Speaker: All for money?
Speaker: Why aren't you more bothered?
Speaker: Maybe you're right.
Speaker: Maybe I am apathetic.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: Yes, you're right.
Speaker: I am.
Speaker: I googled it.
Speaker: Well, maybe you are, but I'm not.
Speaker: What would the world become if people knew they could do whatever they wanted as long as they had money?
Speaker: It's not right.
Speaker: And what about the people who can't afford your magical service?
Speaker: What happens to them?
Speaker: Hmm... Don't know.
Speaker: I imagine they vote Democrat.
Speaker: I don't think you're as stupid as you look, Jenny.
Speaker: You should get out of this while you still can.
Speaker: As for me, I have to do this.
Speaker: Someone has to make a stand.
Speaker: I'm going to take my chances with the other door.
Speaker: Just watch out.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: For the car?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: That bit of the floor is quite slippy.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: What?
Speaker: I said... Be careful of those ornamental faces.
Speaker: And that open knife drawer.
Speaker: He's done it now.
Speaker: He's woken up the angry office bear.
Speaker: Oh my god, is that a bear?
Speaker: It's ripping my face!
Speaker: Why do you even have a bear in here?
Speaker: Oh god, make it stop!
Speaker: It's eating my
Speaker: My arms!
Speaker: No!
Speaker: It's okay.
Speaker: He set himself on fire.
Speaker: That should at least scare away the angry bear.
Speaker: Oh my god, I'm on fire!
Speaker: Oh my god, it hurts so much!
Speaker: Why did I think this would be a good idea?
Speaker: My flesh is melting!
Speaker: Every tarabajic is burning!
Speaker: Somebody get some water, please!
Speaker: No, don't fall into that.
Speaker: That's where we keep the piranhas.
Speaker: I knew we should have fixed that loose light fitting.
Speaker: So, do you think he's dead?
Speaker: Warning.
Speaker: Warning.
Speaker: Paradox detected.
Speaker: The entirety of reality is on the verge of collapse.
Speaker: Oh, don't worry about the alarm.
Speaker: We're covered by our own reinsurance company.
Speaker: They'll just temporarily divert this reality to an alternative dimension while they try to reinstall this one.
Speaker: Hmm, maybe we can use this as an excuse to try and push everybody's premium up as well.
Speaker: Simple equation, run into our system.
Speaker: Now the world gone missing, plus all our CO2 emissions, it was degradation, wasting shifts and mass extinctions.
Speaker: But maybe we can change, we sure can't stay the same, cause life's a force.
Speaker: This work was produced and edited by Peter Beeston and is released under a Creative Commons Agreement.
Speaker: For more information and to discover even more amazing audio productions,
Speaker: at chronucopia-radio.co.uk Possible solution Freeware or connection Maybe less consumption Imagine from a mind of isolation
Speaker: Well, that was fun.
Speaker: And if I'm being honest, a bit of a melon twister at the end.
Speaker: Didn't see that coming.
Speaker: But when do we ever?
Speaker: Thank you for listening.
Speaker: If you'd like to hear next month's episode, I'll just need you to sign this document right here.
Speaker: And your initials, here, here, here, and there.
Speaker: Another signature right here.
Speaker: Oh, date and sign here.
Speaker: Some more initials on the next day.
Speaker: 72, maybe.
