Transcript
Speaker: sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football because I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men.
Speaker: His best friend, Tommy Ryan, lost half a finger in a sheet metal press, waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was dad up in the stands giving me the old be tough. So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary Jo Clumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 AM at the kitchen table. My old man's telling me, eat the sandwich and forget about her.
Speaker: I didn't even cry at his funeral, you believe that? The guy was my whole world, not a tear. Everybody looking at me like I didn't love him. But he knew. Yeah, I know, right?
Speaker: That's
Speaker: Dance. Dance.
Speaker: Yes, sir. Hell, let's get this show started. Happy Monday, everybody. Hopefully you guys had a good weekend. Hopefully you got to get out and do some things. It wasn't too cold in your area. Unfortunately, it's freezing ass cold here where we are.
Speaker: But we still got out now, out and about. Well, you know, since school now, since it's actually typical Monday night, ladies and gentlemen, we got Connor in the building. You normally see him on Saturday night. We got my man Buster Rubber, AKA us, in the building, hanging out with us. And of course, you guys know me. I'm click. If you're not already, feel free to go ahead and check out the social medias. Give us a follow up there. Greatly appreciate that.
Speaker: Facebook, Instagram, X and TikTok. You can also find us here live on YouTube, Twitch and Facebook Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. I bet you guys can listen to us anytime, any place, wherever you listen to podcasts at. All at Nonsensical Nonsense podcast, or you can simply go to bio .link slash nonsensical nonsense. All those links are there for you to click on and go give us a follow.
Speaker: And you can also find our sponsors there as well. Don't forget. If you do have to check out our sponsors before you check out, use our promo code words are hard. Get you that discount. Save you a little bit of money. Bile links right down there. Oops. Was bio link is also right down there at the bottom of the screen. For those of you who are watching live or watching the replay viewer or replay shout out to our replay viewers. Appreciate you guys checking out those replays. Um,
Speaker: We talked a little bit about it Saturday night and we made the decision that tonight we want to, you know, we don't get very serious on this show very often. It's very rare that we do, but we are able to get serious from time to time. And we're also capable of having those serious conversations and still trying to mix in a little bit of funny without being, you know, too crazy. Tonight's going to be one of those nights. You know, as we know, it's going to be wild.
Speaker: in today's society, uh, there is a, there's a stigma on mental health in general, but there's a, you know, it's even harder for men's mental health because a lot of us, you know, in our, in our forties or thirties, forties and whatnot, we were brought up differently. We were brought up. You don't show emotions. You don't show feelings. You let it bottle up and you find other means to, you know,
Speaker: deal with it, whether it be through vices, so to say, or whatever the case may be. And not only as men, and being of an older generation now, you know, it sucks to say that, but we are of an older generation.
Speaker: It's kind of, you're not too far behind as they're crippled. You know, it's up to us to start to, you know, turn the hands of, you know, the wheels of change and trying to make, you know, men's mental health, not so much of a stigma, not so much of a, where men are embarrassed or ashamed to go through things and deal with things and teach our kids, teach our boys that are coming up, that it's okay to have feelings. It's okay to have emotions. So,
Speaker: You know, yeah, we can laugh and we can joke all the time, but sometimes we got to take back and we got to step back and be serious for a little bit. Uh, we do have my guy Haas in the building tonight. He was in the chat Saturday. Uh, some of you guys may not know Haas and I've known each other for well, well, damn near about a decade now. And we've gone through some things together. We haven't always gotten along, but we've always had each other's back. And, uh, you know, he's, he's, uh,
Speaker: He's been dealing with a lot of things in his life. And he's, he asked me or ask us Saturday night, if we would give him a platform where he could share his story to release that, you know, let that weight off of his chest. And as I told him Saturday night, and as I'll tell anybody, you know, sharing your story or, or, you know, letting your emotions show or being vulnerable or anything like that. That's a huge weight off of your chest. Um,
Speaker: And it's a hell of a way to start that road to recovery. I mean, we can all focus on our health. And I know health is, Haas has got his health, he's getting his health right and getting his body right and everything like that. Now he's starting to work on his mind. And let's be honest, sometimes the mind is way more important than the body in most cases. And it is almost always the bigger challenge. Almost always.
Speaker: So y 'all know, man, that little comment just popped up. I can't put a leash on that comment. I tried. That one right there. Yeah, you can't leash that comment. Why do you think that comment will show? All right, because I can click to show. Here we go.
Speaker: But let me go ahead and introduce you guys to my guy Haas. He's down there in the bottom corner. Like I said, we met a little over maybe about 10 years ago, maybe a little over 10 years ago when I was streaming on another platform Periscope. He used to come into my lives every Saturday night. And, you know, I'd do my thing. I was drinking, acting a damn fool. And he was usually right there by my side, you know, acting a damn fool with everybody else in the chat. But outside of the show,
Speaker: We've actually developed a friendship. We've actually have a bond and almost a brotherhood to say between each other. Yeah, we don't talk all the time. We've never even met in person. But we've always had that. So. What is it doing, bro? I mean, before you. Right at 9, 10 years.
Speaker: Little shovel said right about 910 years you guys were talking about it today. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we each other. About the time me and Brandy got together the first time that was when we met you. So I've known you just as long as I've known my wife. Oh wow, I thought you guys were were together longer than that.
Speaker: This will be 11 years. Wow. Nice. And that's a lot to put up with something with me. I'm telling you, you know how it is. Trust me. I know. And I don't have to deal with you on a day -to -day basis. I don't know how she knows it, man. Oh, yeah, I do. Right there. Yeah. September made 10 years. Nice. But, um,
Speaker: You know, before we jump into, you know, as I said, you know, when I met you, we were both kind of a mess. Let's be honest. Um, you know, I was pretty heavily at the time. Um, you know, I was dealing with that quote unquote vice. Cause that's how I dealt with things in my world at the time. I was drinking pretty heavily. And, um, you know, you had your vices at that time as well. Mm.
Speaker: you've had to conquer that addiction monster. I don't know how much you want to go into detail or if you want to. I put it I put it like this, man. Y 'all really, really want to know. There's nothing off limits, dude. Every door is open. Why the fuck open anything you want to know? Here we go. I mean, I know you were drinking at the time. There's no sense.
Speaker: There's no sense in leaving that out of the story as that's part of it. You know what I mean? All that negativity stuff, you know, it made me who I was, but I'm sorry to interrupt. Go ahead. No, you're good. I mean, like I said, I know you were drinking pretty heavily at the time. I don't know what all you were, you were doing some other extracurricular activity. I don't want to put anything out there that's not true, but
Speaker: you know, and that's how you, you also had a persona that wasn't necessarily you that you portrayed in the, in the, in the chat, in the comments. And, you know, it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, let's be honest, but that was a defense mechanism for you. I mean, trust me, I've been there before, you know, I've always used my, my smart ass re and, you know, I've never been like super derogatory or, you know, um,
Speaker: Super offensive just to be derogatory or offensive. I've just always kind of been a smart ass. But everybody has their own defense mechanism when they try to portray a certain type of image. And like I said, you and I've had our rocky roads, but we've gotten through them. And we started talking outside of the show when I got to see a small glimpse of who you really were. And that's where that friendship developed between you and
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Yep. And it's been Oh, I love me too. So, what was it?
Speaker: What was it? What was that that kind of that for you and we're I'm just speaking on this one Particular subject because I want to get to the health scares with you as well But there's one particular subject with with with your addictions. Let's just call a spade a spade addictions. We've all had them What was that kind of that rock bottom moment for you where you're like, I gotta I gotta I gotta get right I gotta get clean, you know, I gotta I gotta cut this goofy shit out All right, so
Speaker: My two vices that I had, first one was methamphetamine. I was on that shit maybe four years, five years out of the 10 that I was with the woman.
Speaker: Didn't basically what had happened there. I didn't have no pot. I needed pot couldn't find no pot. I Had access to meth and I was like fuck it. I'll try it In it it worked it slowed me down it did what I needed it to do Obviously ADHD it worked it didn't have that tweaker effect on me. It slowed me down But I was on it And the woman I was with she didn't even know I was on it
Speaker: until I come off of it. And the day I come off of it, February 11th of 2011, I smoked my last bull. I went to the hospital and my little girl was born and I haven't looked back since. I just, I put it down that I didn't necessarily hit a rock bottom. I had a child, I had responsibilities and
Speaker: being the child that I was, my child was not going to be the child that I was. So to me, that Rob bottom, I guess you say, was my child being born. And I haven't, I could tell you right now, this day, the only thing that I've ever touched is hot from that day on. Now my, my second one, uh, I, I had stuff going on. Uh, I'm diagnosed
Speaker: a lot of things. And a lot of episodes of me not, these feelings I have as a kid. You know what I mean? So I started drinking really heavily. At one point in time, I would be, I wanted to have a gallon of the red label vodka.
Speaker: on top of whatever 30 pack of beer you wanted to bring, and that was a night. The rock bottom for me was I was in one of my moods. I went to a liquor store and spent the last of my paycheck on a bottle of liquor.
Speaker: me and the wife was into it really bad at the time. And, uh, and at the time the episode was caused by somebody I wouldn't have thought it would, uh, that used to live with us. I helped the guy out and, uh, that triggered something in me. And I, and again, I'm undiagnosedly, it was a trigger. I noticed that it was a trigger now because it hasn't happened since, but anyways, uh, I ended up
Speaker: driving and spending the last little buddy money I had to buy a bottle of liquor and me and Brandy was into it. Well, uh, with the health issues that I had going on at the time, they put me on some medication and I went out to the back corner of the yard and had this bottle of medication and
Speaker: It was a very high dosage. I couldn't tell you what it was. I don't know if it was narcotic or not. At the time, I didn't care. I took a half a bottle of some very high milligram medication and chased that half a bottle down with that half a bottle of medicine down with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Speaker: And I went into the sunroom attached to the back of the house there and sat down on the couch. And that was that. And. Been there, man, it's tough to think it was
Speaker: It's, it was done in front of my children. It's, it's, it's tough to think back and, and, and, and, and, you know, remember not only remember, I did, I did relapse. Me and the missus, we went to,
Speaker: concert over in Knoxville. Badass concert bro is awesome. And it was a birthday present. So I broke my sobriety now six years sober and I broke that and drank two beers on my birthday meeting my wife at this concert. So I mean it was kind of by choice but to this point to this day I haven't
Speaker: that's not the first drop out. So, so from that, so you haven't had anything to drink since that concert. That's right. Nice. And I can tell you exactly what I had. I wanted a mixed drink. I had a virgin mixed drink and two fish beers. Oh, wow. That's what I had. Now, brandy, I'm not trying to get brandy fucked up. I ain't gonna lie.
Speaker: I thought we went to drink. I don't want to drink. All right. Uh, I gotta go use the bathroom. I'll be right back. I come back with two fucking drinks in my hand. One for her and one for me. There should be the regular drinks. Might be the, the Virgin drinks, but, uh, I, I want her to have a good time. You know, you know, and it didn't work. Chief. Go ahead.
Speaker: I'm not a drink another old that you know, it's it's it's it's it's funny It's not funny, but you know how sobriety affects different people. We have a friend of ours. I Actually should have hit him up and sent him the link to what's going on see We have a friend of ours who Does a podcast the mental health health hour with Gemma Tim. These are recovering now followed
Speaker: He's been sober for a good while now, and he's been on here and talked about it. You talked about it on his show and everything like that, you know, but it's, it's, um, I was talking to a guy that I haven't talked to in a few years. Just kind of accidentally bumped into each other and somebody else's stream. He used to watch our, my, you know, my periscope every Saturday night. He was part of that group. And, uh, he said he's been sober for a while now. He hasn't touched a drop of alcohol, you know, for me.
Speaker: It wasn't so much that I had to give it up altogether. My problem when I was at that deep end for me, now fortunately for me, I've never tried drugs or done drugs or anything like that because I seen what it did firsthand to my family. And I didn't want that to happen to me. My advice was and has always been alcohol.
Speaker: Biggest problem for me was I lost control. Now, yeah, I still drink. You know, I drink on the weekends. I drink when we do the show. I don't drink a lot on Saturday nights. I usually drink way more than I do throughout the week.
Speaker: Yeah, you know, Nikki and I go to, you know, we go out and we like to go to the bars and we like to drink and stuff like that. But I think the biggest difference for me, and this is why I don't consider myself, you know, an alcoholic or anything like that anymore was that I've said it on here. I didn't have control back then. I had no control. Now I'm in complete control of my drinking. That monster doesn't hold on to me and, you know,
Speaker: tell me to keep blowing when I know I shouldn't be going. But that level of sobriety is so much different for, I think, for each person. Oh, my bad, Tony. I miss my last drink, but not enough to have another one. There you go, Jennifer. That's nice. Hoss comes from a long line. I do too.
Speaker: Pin that comment, yeah, that one. I got a funny story to tell you guys. Part of this story that we're going to go on here, that comment in particular is a person that knows me personally, not now. But she was the person that was there as well.
Speaker: Yeah. You want that or you want this? It don't matter. Anyway, sorry squirrel squirrel. Yeah, I was on me. Sorry anyways. Jennifer there. We went to school together. OK, we were literally in the same grade from.
Speaker: If I can remember right from the grade five until grade. Nine when I moved. So I know who she is personally. I don't I don't know if she knows the whole story of me. But I kind of wanted her to to be here to here too because she is.
Speaker: another one of the reasons that I'm still here. Does that make sense? There's also another woman in there. She was the teacher of mine. I'm not sure what I don't know if she was a teacher. Don't let me say teacher because I don't know. I had to lie within myself at one point in time.
Speaker: And she was one that was there and stood by there as a quote, teacher would and didn't give up on the student. And she's the other big reason that I'm still in here. Yes, ma 'am. And I was still the goofiest looking one there.
Speaker: No, I mean, you know, go ahead. The, you know, coming from, you know, a long line of alcoholics, you know, I think with with our generation, you know, our parents or our grandparents. That alcoholism, you know, it wasn't it wasn't alcoholism back then to them. They didn't realize until they were much, much older.
Speaker: Um, I know both of my grandfathers were, uh, from stories that I've been told were, um, we're not the greatest of people when they were younger. Uh, we're not the greatest husbands, maybe not always the best dads, you know, later in life. I, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't tell you a bad thing about either one of my grandfathers. I, I, you know, even though they're both gone, I still hold both of them very high regard and, and you know, I, you know, they taught me a lot growing up. Yeah. They were always there.
Speaker: Um, when I was, when I was coming up and whatnot like that, but, um, you know, my dad went through his issues in his, his, his alcoholism. And, you know, it was, it was something that took me by surprise because it was one of those things where it was like, I watched it happen to my dad and I watched other things happen in my family to other family members. And I said, that would never be me. Well, unfortunately, I became that monster that I said I would never become. And.
Speaker: I realized that there was a kind of that breaking point when I realized I had lost complete total control. And that's when I got my control back. Now I still drink. Like I said, yes. Yeah. I just played it again. And I was doing a solo and I wanted nice. This is nice.
Speaker: But, um, you know, and then, you know, it's, it's different now when I drink, because like I said, I, I, you know, I have that control that I didn't have before. And, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't dictate or control my life like it once did. Um, and it, yeah, I don't know if you can see those comments. I mean, you don't know how much this right here means to me, man. Um,
Speaker: I was raised by a father who has been a sponsor in AA for almost 30 years. I grew up knowing better, but I didn't exactly. Unfortunately, some people do. You were worth fighting for, says Tony. I don't know if it means anything or if you care, but
Speaker: and the last decade that I've known you and I've watched this change in you, man and I've seen where where you were when we first met and I see where you are today. I'm **** proud of me, bro. I mean, you ain't got no uh I've had I've had issues with that man. Uh I really have. I've had a lot of issues with that. Uh I don't know if Jennifer knows it. Jenny, sorry. I don't care what your name is, girl. You're always Jenny.
Speaker: Uh, I don't know if Jenny knows or not, but I, I mean, this, this was amazing. Everything about me that's outside of my family is those two. And whether she knows it or not, she was, she is a big reason too. Uh, I got a lot of good memories, uh, with Jenny. Jenny was.
Speaker: Damn, I've got... Four is gone. Okay, that's what I'm trying to say. So I'll go ahead and say this too. No, I'll keep that one to myself. I don't know what the world is going to be for that one.
Speaker: Well, as we progress tonight, I'm sure the addiction and stuff like that is going to come up again in conversation. I just want to touch on a couple of things. I want people to get a feel for who you are, what you've gone through.
Speaker: Again, like I said, part of the change that you've gone through, and I've told you and Brandi both multiple times that you guys look amazing. And that what a transformation and everything like that. Not too long ago, two years back, you had a bad health scare. We almost lost big costs. Yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, all those years, alcohol. Okay. I was working over the road. I've been.
Speaker: I've been Five five years six years now I've been five I've been I've been almost five years retired off of the road man and Basically what it boiled down to was all of the years I was drinking Hey
Speaker: I experimented drinking before I moved to Tennessee. Okay. Uh, I remember going to this little water bottle full of vodka, you know, uh, but right after I moved here, uh, that's when my habit picked up and it picked up bad.
Speaker: It hit me like a freight train before I knew what happened. But anyways, after I toned down my drinking, I quit drinking my liquor, I quit drinking beer, I quit pretty much everything but light beer. So somewhere between all that time I was drinking, it had damaged something in my body. And there's a bacteria that's in this alcohol.
Speaker: that everybody's system uses to break it down so it kills you. I don't have that. I don't have that enzyme in my body that breaks down the lethal ingredient that your body breaks down in alcohol. I'm not sure what it is, but my body does not have it. And I found that out the hard way.
Speaker: What's that, Connor? Ethanol or methanol or something, whatever one of those that kills you. I mean, I know they both kill you, but everybody's body has got this enzyme in it that breaks that down to where it doesn't kill you. That's about the best way I can explain what the doctor told me on that.
Speaker: My, my addictions have fucked me and I've got nothing to blame about myself on that one now, you know, you live and you learn. So, I mean, for you personally, because you don't have that, that chemical balance or whatever in your body to break down that chemical, I'm drinking alcohol can look at this point in time can literally kill you. It's a hell of a reason to give it up.
Speaker: I might have to give it up too if I had that problem. I said Mike. I'm still a brass fan so. It's worth it. I said worth it. So is that is that what ended you up in the hospital where you know we were talking Saturday night? Yes, that was the original case of me ending up in the hospital.
Speaker: wild, wild, wild experience. I was in Ohio. I was out there. Yeah. Jeffersonville. Okay. Not too far from here.
Speaker: Right, and that was the night I almost died. The more of the day I almost died. I was in Jeffersonville, Ohio. I was in the back of my truck at the TA truck stop that's right there. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. I had to throw up. I couldn't throw up. I had to poopy, and I couldn't do that either.
Speaker: It was all night. I tossed and turned all night slept, not one bit. And I, I called my wife at five o 'clock in the morning and said, I'm going to the hospital. I'm in Jeffersonville, Ohio. And the next thing I know I'm relatively conscious and I'm in fucking Centerville, Ohio. I have no idea where the hell, how the hell I got there, but I was awakened conscious the whole fucking time. Wow. That's, I don't remember how I,
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Then, uh, the shit, they, they pumped me, uh, that 2017, 2018, maybe. No, 2018, 2019. It was, it was either the year before the pandemic or two years before in that general area.
Speaker: What, what, what, what led to that? I mean, was that the drinking and stuff like that? Yes. Yes. Cause I, uh, I still wasn't, uh, fully recovered drinking. I was still, uh, I, uh, fuck I don't miss school. Sorry, dude. I don't know. I was going.
Speaker: Yes. Yes. That's when I found out, uh, that I had that going on. Uh, I, the night before I drank about a six pack. No, I just a little guy. I've spent so much money on a six pack of beer in my life. What's going on, Mark?
Speaker: good evening. Yeah, I was gonna say that was a hell of an expensive six pack right there. Yeah, and it's funny because like I was actually at work with the trucking company that I essentially retired from and I only received one bill for that and I was I had taken two ambulance rides. I took
Speaker: Apparently, I took one from Jefferson. Jeffersonville, Ohio to, I guess, Woodstock, I guess was the closest hospital, maybe. I don't know. But I was in a hospital near Jeffersonville, Indiana, and the next thing I know, three days later, I finally find out I'm in Senatorville, Ohio, and my wife is ecstatic. Not knowing where the fuck I was at. Oh, I bet. I have no idea where I was at.
Speaker: that in itself is, you know, for your significant other that in itself was scary as hell. She don't know where you are. She don't know what's going on. She don't know if you're dead in a ditch somewhere or, you know, or anything. And at the time I had a, I had a, uh, maybe a two year old and a three year old at home too. And then, uh,
Speaker: I don't know how old it is. I mean, yeah, I found that out. And well, the way I quit drinking, I weaned myself off of it. I mean, I would, the beer aspect, when I totally quit drinking, I was only down to beer. And I think I'd drink a 12 pack in
Speaker: what a month or two months maybe beer oh yeah i made the the main way i got rid of all the beer that was in my house i started cooking and i cooked with it i cooked it all the way i didn't waste it it went back you know what i mean i agree jen that would be yeah i know it you know it doesn't matter i mean you're significant that was so weird
Speaker: I've always seen one hospital bill from Ohio and that was $10 ,000 and that was for the ambulance ride from the hospital where I was at to the hospital. I went to Miami Regional or whatever the hell it is up there in Centerville.
Speaker: And that was the only bill I ever saw. I never seen a doctor's bill, a hospital bill. I seen one bill and I haven't seen one since, which tells me that I think that my company paid it off for me. Yeah, you can't be. I mean, if you had good insurance, they might've taken care of that for you and got y 'all squared away. Now, you said Saturday night you had two other scares or was those three scares all in the same one instance?
Speaker: I can't remember Saturday. I'm not going to lie. I'm sure if I think about it, there was probably, Oh, well, yeah. Okay. I know what caused that one. I had a pancreas flare up idea. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Uh, Oh, that one, that that's what scares me is I didn't ever know what it was. And I was like, I know it's not alcohol because I, I don't drink. Yeah. You know, so it's, it was something, it was something, it was something.
Speaker: and I just I couldn't figure out what it was man and and I finally realized I'm going to get drafted. I was in there doing a number two and wiped and seen a something about that big sitting in my poopy. Jesus Christ. I. I. Gallstones. Uh I had a
Speaker: that hung from my gallbladder, there's a little tube that runs right there at your gallbladder underneath your right kitty. And it connects to your pancreas. Well, in that little valve there that leads from the gallbladder to the pancreas, a gallstone got hung in that. And it, buddy, that is a pain that I... Oh, I got a doobie snack, guys.
Speaker: I mean, you can't hide the smoke in the in the lights, you know, you're probably sure you're perfectly fine. We haven't been canceled yet and we've said and done some crazy **** other show. I promise you that's not going to get us canceled and I promise you nobody's going to judge you for it. So, so, okay. This sounds better than Planet Fitness, dude. Uh how much is the membership?
Speaker: I'll send you a bill. Don't worry. I'm like Bill every month. I'll pay it when I get the money. So with with the hell scares everything like that. Like I said, you know, I want to cut it. You know, we're getting to know Haas. We're getting to know these last few years of Haas. The last 10 years that I've known Haas before we really dive into it.
Speaker: Yes, that's the part that I really want Miss Tony and Jenny to be here to see because this right here, there's a lot of shit that I got off my chest already to Tony. I'm only laughing if you don't share. My dear husband. Yes. Hey, that's how all my letters to Chris go to.
Speaker: Bro, we, we straight go to Snapchat and send dick pics, bro. Yeah. The middleman altogether, you know, fuck y 'all, man. Y 'all use that snail mail. Should we get them instantly, bro? Yep. So no one solicited ones though. That's all we send is unsolicited ones. You ever seen two grown ass men with ADD? Any of you, this is it right here. Connor's got it too. I'm pretty sure of it.
Speaker: You know, that ain't no brakes on our **** train when it comes to ADD, bro. No, that's that's like Jeff and I, Jeff and I started this show. I mean, we we joke all the time about this show. It's the first show is ADHD fueled because Bo Jeff and I have it and that's and that's one of the great things about this show is the fact that we can have so many different conversations and talk for anywhere from three to six hours a show. Um but
Speaker: the the the the
Speaker: Sounds like Optimus Prime and slow mo. You got the robot voice back again, Haas. We are coming to you. He'll be right back. No. Might have to refresh it like you did last time.
Speaker: I think he just refreshed your page, like the whole webpage. Yeah, when I have issues with mine, I literally close out of everything and then restart the link. Yeah, he'll be back here. Yeah, well, I was saying, you know, when I met Haas and he said it, I don't know if you guys caught it, but he was a fat, he was fucking huge. And I'm sure some of you guys that know Haas, you know, and I've known him, you guys remember how big he was.
Speaker: There we go. I think we're good now. I got to back up. I'm God. So yeah, well, you know, I, you know, I had said, you know, when I met you guys, you, you were a big sum, but you were happy. And as you said, you were a fat ass. I was trying not to get a plate dick, but I'm not going to lie to you, bro. I am a fat, I was a fat disgusting kid. I was, when I got into truck driving in 2012,
Speaker: I was about 245, 250 and I was, I was hoped out, bro. Like I'm not gonna lie. Like I did a lot of weightlifting in school a lot. So I was, I was still, I was still pretty big now, but by 20, 2018, 2017, 2018, I went from 200
Speaker: and 45, 250 pounds to 397 .7 pounds. And I was near stroke level blood pressure, fucking diabetic, pre -diabetic. And that turned into a full blood. I was on needle for two and a half, three years. Insulin injection three times a day. I was so big.
Speaker: So I, mama over here changed how she cooks. She brought out that, that Southern soul mama cooking, you know, I'm talking about Chris completely changed how we ate, man. And within 68 days, I went from 390 plus pounds to 287. I was going to say you both dropped a ton of weight. I mean, yes. And that was like within a eight months.
Speaker: to a year and i didn't change i mean i didn't i still ate the same shit i did i just changed how i ate it i found out man if you really really hungry you want to you want to just eat and you want a bag of chips or something just something to eat get you a bag of pork rinds eat you a bag of pork rinds and you won't be hungry again the rest of the damn day and it helps you lose weight yeah but pork rinds are nasty
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not professional dieticians. Do not take any weight loss. Don't take any kind of fucking advice from me. You just ain't going to enjoy it. No, man. I've worked hard for my dad, but I have got a smoking dad. I ain't gonna lie.
Speaker: Connor, Connor about last year, Connor was Connor was looking great, man. I mean, he looked better than he did when I met him when we used to work together. He was Jack. And then, you know, he's had some medical issues and he's starting to look like me, but he's got bigger titties than me. Oh, yes. My wife felt him last night and she was like, yeah.
Speaker: solid, solid bees. I can't mind because I'm broad shouldered, but if I show you mine, will you be able to tell me? I haven't inspected enough movies, but I've seen my life go from C to double D. So if it's in that range, then yeah.
Speaker: But so, you know, you got it. I said, I put 40, I gave 40 back. I went from one, I went from 195 to 285 in less than a year. I dropped 10 pounds in the last month, which is good. But, um, you know, so.
Speaker: You know, I've known Haas now for 10 years and I've seen a lot of change and I've seen a lot of transformation. You know, there's still glimpses of that. You know, he's a fun loving guy. He likes to joke. He likes to bust balls. That's what we do. And just a heads up. I do not give a damn. There's nothing off limits, bro. Nobody is safe. I've also seen when he pops up in the chat or if I'm on TikTok and there's been a couple times where he's popped up with me.
Speaker: He's still the same hostile. I've always known, but he's, he seems a little bit happier. He obviously looks a lot healthier. He sounds a lot healthier than, than, than he, than he did when I first met him. And we've kind of got to, you know, kind of got a little bit of a glance into, you know, the last 10 years or so and the, and the changes and the struggles and the vices that you had and, you know,
Speaker: I want, and I don't know if anybody else is going to pop up tonight. I sent out some invites to some friends who kind of dealt with the same thing, but have had issues. But I wanted, I asked Connor if he wanted to be here tonight because you know, Connor's gone through a bunch of changes just in the last what year and a half year. Less than that. Less than that. Hadn't even met a cold year yet. Um, and if you don't mind, before we jump into your story, um,
Speaker: If you want to just do like a, you know, a real quick, you know, what, I don't, you know, not like a recap, but kind of feel people in on, on, on what, you know, as much as you want to, as much as you want to share what you've gone through and whatnot. Nothing's up limits, bro. Look, I'm an open book. And that goes not just for you and you up top. That's anybody.
Speaker: Anybody, nothing is off limits, yo. Part of that, nothing is off limits, I don't give a damn. I'm so proud of this too. Wow. I'm so proud of that.
Speaker: That's awesome. That is amazing. I've said it a million times. I've told both, uh, Brandy and Haas that they both look great. I mean, where, when, where they were, when I met them and, and seeing them and becoming friends, when they lost all that weight, they both, they both look great. You could tell that they were.
Speaker: They were healthy and they felt better too. I mean, that's, that's one of the best things about losing weight. And you know, this Connor, when you start to lose the weight and drop those pounds, man, mentally, you know, as much as you can, you start to feel better, but physically you have more energy. You're sleeping better. Your body don't hurt as bad as it normally, like, like it, like it would in some people. I know I'm, I'm old, you know, I was around when Jesus was around. Connor don't have to remind me. You're number one, bro.
Speaker: Um, but as I was asking Connor, if you want to share a little bit, just kinda, you know, there's some new people in the, in the chatter's box. And I know Connor and the, you and Haas don't really know each other, just so I can kind of get a feel from where, you know, kind of your backstory, where you're, what you're going through, what, where you come from and whatnot. Um, yeah, I mean, I'll keep it brief because this isn't my, this isn't supposed to be about me. Um, but 2020, I went to Afghanistan, came back and I had some issues.
Speaker: and never addressed him, still working on that. And I got back from Afghanistan. I was like, fuck this dude. I'm going to join the army because he ended my air force contract. And I was like, fuck this. I'm going to join the army. I'm going to go be an infantry man. And I'm going to go, I'm going to go keep being a badass dude. I love this shit. And long story short, join the army. I was in for, I was in the army for two and a half years, almost three years.
Speaker: And April last year, I had a spine surgery on something that we had a feeling was going to be really difficult. And it got more difficult than we anticipated it to already be. I had a complication that essentially caused me to lose function of my right leg for about three months.
Speaker: I spent three days in the hospital with what should have been an outpatient procedure in and out in the same day. And I don't remember, but little snippets of being in a hospital because they had me hopped up on so much pain medication. And it has been, and Chris and I talked about this a little bit on Saturday night, late, late, late in the show.
Speaker: But it's, it's been, it's been a struggle for me mentally, for my family mentally and emotionally. Cause they watched dad go from, uh, to put it in my favorite way to put it, go from bad -ass being through to, I am, I am the motherfucker. I fucking, I take people out. I thought this is my shit. I kick in doors. I beat the shit out of people and I end lives too. So that I can save lives. Like I was a fucking bad -ass and I went from that.
Speaker: and this dad who could play with his kids and this husband who could have intimate time with his wife too. I'm in so much pain that I can't, I can't do anything. I can't walk around my house without a walker. I can't get around. Luckily things have changed a little bit with that, but you know, it was such a drastic change from the time that I got back from Korea, which was November to my surgery in April and
Speaker: That lasted for about six months of me just being a, being a walker, hardly being able to walk, hardly being able to move. I'm on narcotics 24 seven. And it was extremely stressful for the family. And on top of that, I was still dealing with a lot of issues, uh, mentally from, from coming back from Afghanistan. And it was, it all piled up. And, uh, I won't say that, um,
Speaker: I won't say that I'm better. I'm 100 percent mentally or physically. I'm definitely not physically. But it's every road to recovery has its struggles. Everyone's is different. Everyone's is unique. And I'm still on that path. But it is.
Speaker: Uh, it's a toughie and, uh, yeah, that's, that's pretty much where what the last 12 months has had for me is just, uh, is a significant change in my physical health. And, uh, it's been stressful on the whole family. So yeah, man, it's, it's, it's tough. And I can applaud anybody who's been able to, uh, to come back from their lowest lows and, and, and that, uh, that rock bottom. And I can really appreciate, uh, hearing your story, man.
Speaker: and Connor's getting through. Connor and I were joking before the show because Connor and I used to work together at Abercrombie and I don't know, kind of sort of polar opposites and how we became such good friends is kind of crazy, but we've become pretty close over those
Speaker: years we've known each other and he was crazy bro you went for work and you worked at Abercrombie bro that's funny because when I met you you were a contract killer bro we were nude models we were Abercrombie models we were Abercrombie underwear models yeah
Speaker: When Haas met me, we used to joke around that I was a contract killer, I was a trained assassin, and I had well over hundreds of thousands of kills in my belt, because I worked for Oregon at the time, but now, you know, Connor and I were joking around before the show, and about the last time he was on here for a Monday show, he was just going off to the library to drop a book off, and I was like, are you going to the books to drop a book off, or was that when he went to Dairy Queen? He was like,
Speaker: No, I went to Derek when the night I called you and I was kind of feeling shitty about myself and you called me a bitch. But maybe that's the friendship we have. I mean, he called me and I still, I went with it. We talked for what, a good hour or so, just kind of chit -chatting. You know, that's all you needed. And there's been other instances where, oh, Jeff, Jeff, my main co -host, you guys know Jeff. Jeff and I have been friends for 26 years. And there's been times where Jeff's been going through shit
Speaker: And he might call me at 1 o 'clock in the morning and next thing I know we're on the phone until 3 o 'clock in the morning. Well, there's been times where we've done the show and I just haven't been.
Speaker: he could tell that something wasn't right and like I wasn't myself and then he would call me after the show and be like bro what the hell's going on well you know what's up you know that's okay guys this is this is part of what we're doing tonight um it's all right to do a bro check actually it's very important that we do check on our on our on our friends on our bros you know not to sound douchey or anything but
Speaker: We should check on our bros periodically or randomly. Now I spend two to three nights a week with Jeff. So we get to talk quite a bit on the show. And there might even be just a moment where
Speaker: We're talking about one thing and then we change it into, Hey, everything good. Yeah, everything's good. You sure? Okay. Then we go right back into our, we're starting to be on the show more and more. Um, you know, he's starting to fill in a spot on the show. So, you know, Connor's going to be a part of that, but I mean, the guys that you don't necessarily, um, get to talk to on a regular basis. We should make it a mental note to, to check, to reach out to them and show and check up on them. And then, and then, you know, I know we're talking men's mental health and we're talking about Brod checks.
Speaker: you know, bro checkups or whatever you want to call them. But same thing goes for, for, for the ladies. I mean, if you've got a male friend that you're close to or men, if you've got a female friend that you're close to or ladies checking up on each other, which I think women do a pretty good job of checking up on each other, you know, or just talking a lot more than men do in general. I don't know about checking up on each other. Their therapy is being catty. But
Speaker: I do want to kind of somewhat stay on schedule. So, you know, I wanted to kind of everybody get it. I wanted everybody to kind of get a feel for Haas and kind of understand where Haas was coming from and whatnot like that. And then I also wanted to kind of introduce everybody to Connor and as anybody else pops up in here tonight, there might be a couple of guys that come in late, you know, want to kind of get a few, you know, kind of, you know, they don't have to go full into their situation or things they've gone through or anything like that. Um,
Speaker: And the great thing about being the host, I don't have to share really wants to hear my last story, but, um, I do want to take a real quick break. As they say, gotta pay the bills. We do have a couple of sponsors out there that I do want to shout out. Um, first one tonight, I want to shout out liquid Ivy. Um, you know, part of, you know, we talk about keeping your body right and, and, and being healthy body wise.
Speaker: It's proper hydration. And unfortunately, not all of us are good at it, me included. I'm not very good at properly hydrating. Trust me, I haven't been lately and I'm starting to feel it. But liquid IV, they got you back. They got you covered because one stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water, it's gonna hydrate you two times faster than water alone. Not only that, but it's got three times the electrolytes of all those overpriced sports drinks that are out there.
Speaker: And it's got five essential vitamins in it, which are good for you. Vitamins, you know, we all grew up in the same era. Well, most of us, we all remember Hulk Hogan telling us to say our prayers and take our vitamins, brother. Not only that, but they got 16 flavors and they do also have a sugar -free option if you want to go sugar -free.
Speaker: liquid ivy for the kids got five good flavors five fun flavors for the kids like cotton candy and sour apple and grape and stuff like that you know tropical punch those flavors that the kids like head over to uh liquid ivy .com real people real flavor real hydrating use our promo code words are hard you're gonna get 20 off your entire order at liquid ivy .com when you shop better hydration today using our promo code words are hard
Speaker: Um, since we're, since we're doing the mental health thing tonight, uh, I want to shout out our guys and I want to play a song here from them. Our guys are over and over and out, specifically Matt Warren, the lead singer. He wrote this song, Mr. Sinister. And it was kind of, you know, him kind of goes, it's kind of like his therapy from some shit that he went through dealing with stuff and everything like that. They're a monster. These guys are going to be selling out stadiums and arenas. I give it five years max before they, uh,
Speaker: before they do um but this is their latest single mister sinister now when we come back from break everybody stick around go get you something to drink go potty go do what you need to do we come back to break or come back from break uh we're going to dive into the world of hoss and
Speaker: Again, I know you say you're an open book and nothing's off limits, but I want you to know that you only have to share as much as you want to share. If you want to leave something out, leave something out. If you don't, the stage is yours. The platform is yours. It's not a very big stage. It's not a very big platform, but I love you, man. And I wanted you to know that
Speaker: you know, whatever I can do to help. And if it means giving you the stage and the platform for the show, I want to do that for you so you can get that out there. Yeah. And I know you have no idea how much this really means to me. You have no fucking idea how nervous and fucking just terrified out of this, but it needs to be done. I feel like if I can get this done,
Speaker: And like I said in that comment right there, y 'all please come back. There's a lot of stuff that those of you that's in here, there's a reason you're here. And I want to share that reason with you. So y 'all please come back. Exactly. So we're going to take a real quick break. Like I said, this is over and out. You guys can check them out on all the social medias.
Speaker: everywhere you stream music at over underscore and underscore out. Let's show the guys some love. Let them know we sent you and check out the other stuff too because they got some really good covers that they do. The guys are awesome. I was fortunate enough to meet them one night at a show and became friends with them. I became friends with a lot of people. I'm a lovable guy. We'll be back here in just a minute. Fuck you.
Speaker: And blood on your tongue You know that you're alone You're all out of time The deed is done Mr. Silent Stone
Speaker: Kazure!
Speaker: And if I just untame, I will blame Another number's gotten so tough Cause you run, and you hide From the light, and the sky The breath of what's inside And it's true, twisted light
Speaker: From the light and the sky cover up
Speaker: All right. And welcome back everybody. Oh man. I love that song. I do love that song, but you know, I'm getting to talk to Matt and kind of hear where that song came from. And it's kind of fitting for the show tonight. So welcome back to nonsense. We're going to have since everybody, we got Connor in the building, we got Hoss in the building.
Speaker: Not your typical nonsense about nonsense show. We're diving into a pretty, pretty serious subject tonight. Men's mental health. Well, actually during the show Saturday night and said he wanted to share his story and get that weight lifted off of his chest.
Speaker: My initial thought was, all right, I'll give you a call. It sounded like he wanted to put it out there for you guys to hear, not just a one -on -one or something like that. He wanted to put it out there for everybody else. And my biggest thing is, at the end of the day, I had this conversation with another friend of mine who does radio and podcasting and stuff like that, Desi, who we had on the show a couple months back, a few months back. And we were expecting a fun, lighthearted,
Speaker: uh goofy ass show and uh things got a little serious and got a little heavy uh you know he shared his story that was totally unexpected but uh you know like i told him you know then and even just recently he he shared his story and he's on a much bigger platform with the radio station he works for and i said you never know man even if you help one person that you know is going through something
Speaker: that one person that you're going to help could mean the world to them. So I'm honored and privileged that Haas wants to come on here and do this. Not only that, but I get to see a more serious side of Haas, because let's be honest, I don't think many of us get to see the super serious side of Haas very often. But anyway, welcome back to National School Nonsense.
Speaker: You guys know the drill. Go ahead and give us a follow and people can give us a share on the social medias. We do have Facebook, Instagram, X and Tiktok. As you guys know, we do do the show Monday, Wednesdays and Saturdays live on YouTube, Twitch and our Facebook page.
Speaker: seven PM ish and Then you can also listen to us anywhere anyplace like Apple podcast Google podcast Spotify's in Caster Basically, wherever you find podcasts that we
Speaker: But we are there. Give us a little five -star rating. Leave us a little review on the Facebook page. Tell us we suck. Tell us we're awesome. It don't matter. Or you can go to bio .link slash nonsensical nonsense. It's down at the bottom of your screen. That has all of our links there to all of our social medias.
Speaker: It's also got the link to our sponsors. You can check them out just remember to use that promo code words are hard before you check out. That way you get those discounts and those savings and whatnot. There's also if you're into the discord thing we do have a discord server that link is on there. You're just fine. And if you're into music and you like music
Speaker: You can check out Glick's House of Music. I do that show live every Friday. Same channels, but I've also got a mixed cloud for that as well. You can check that out. We've done country, 90s country, just did 90s hip hop. We've done an 80s night. I did a Christmas show. I've done a country show that I'm probably going to redo because it more turned into a podcast with me in a
Speaker: Speaking of bro checks, Benji, if you're listening, where you at bro? Everything okay, man? Like what's up? Benji and I wound up doing like a three hour show unexpectedly and had a very good time. And I want to read you that country show because there's always a method to my madness. Much like tonight, there's a method to my madness. So, Jules says, hi, Rob.
Speaker: All right. So let's jump back into it. Like I said, we're, we're kind of talking about mental health and I gotta, and I'll put this on me. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time. So again, thank you again, Haas, because you kind of gave me that kick in the ass and said, all right, let's do this shit. Um, but we got, we got Haas. I just realized something. I just realized something, man. I'm not quite ready yet.
Speaker: I got to point something out here, man. You know my story about being a recovering alcoholic. How's your bitch ass going to put the beer on my side of the screen? Oh, yes, it is. Because I'm left -handed. I should apologize. As you were talking about being a recovering alcoholic, I was drinking my Blue Moon.
Speaker: You don't understand why it's just probably, I'm the kind of guy who laughs at something and it takes the power out of me. It takes the power away from me. You laugh at it. It won't consume you. It won't control you. A hundred percent. I agree with that. A hundred percent. You know, I always feel weird when I'm talking to my friends who are like, if they're on the show and they come on the show and they're like, you know, they're recovered alcoholics. They don't drink anymore. And I'm like,
Speaker: Yeah, I'll come sing you a song here in a little bit. So, Hosh, you got your robot voice back again. Yeah, I don't know if that was just me.
Speaker: We'll take technical difficulties, gentlemen. It's all part of the show, trust me. We've had a bazillion of them and we work them through or live on the show. That's how we roll. That's how we operate. It's like the old Verizon commercials. Can you hear me now? Here we go. Can we hear me now? How about now? Can you hear me now? All right, folks. I'm sorry. Let me try to see if this works real quick. You can leave the Christmas trees out of the
Speaker: out of the stories. Agreed. Laughter is, is, is 100 % the best medicine Jules. And you know, when, and you know, like my host is working on that. So we just don't have complete dead air. You know, one of the things that Jeff and I, Jeff and I started this podcast almost three years ago. And just be my, my best friend for 26 years. Um, we've known each other since high school. You talk about polar opposites becoming friends. He's a short little garden gnome that used to wear Jinko jeans that were bigger than a girl. And I'm a,
Speaker: well over six foot tall Sasquatch, you know, and he was anti -establishment punk guy. I was kind of a country bumpkin mixed with a little hip hop, you know, and then a little rock and roll. And we've been friends our whole lives. And when we started this show, I told him, I said, look, dude, I said, we got two rules when it comes to the show. Hey, no politics, be no religion. Do we break those rules all the time?
Speaker: all the time, but we also do it in a humorous manner. We make fun of politics. We make fun of religion. I'm pretty sure at any moment in time that the Catholic people are going to be kicking my door in the Catholic slot. I don't know that Jesus freaks will be right behind them. It is what it is. That's okay. The ATF hasn't found us out yet. Yeah. But I told him, I said, ultimately at the end of the day, you know, I don't want to do a super serious show. I want to have a fun show where people can escape.
Speaker: You know, the show originally was two hours. Then we found ourselves talking for three hours and was like, let's just take the show to three hours. Bump to show up to three hours. Now, Saturday nights, we do six hours because we opened the door and let anybody and everybody come in and who knows what's going to happen. I wanted to create an escape because there's enough bullshit going on in the world and there's enough drama going on in the world that every time you turn on
Speaker: the TV or the news or you get on social media or whatever it's in your face. So if we can, if we can create some kind of escape where people can come and laugh either with us or at us, it don't matter, but it's an escape from reality and they can have a good time. That's what we wanted to do with the show. However, there have been times where we've gotten serious on the show, much like tonight and if you're ready, I'm going to, I'm going to,
Speaker: I'm going to kind of mute my mic. Um, and, and I'm going to let hospital, I might entertain time. Um, yeah, no, just with any questions, uh, Connor, you're more than welcome to jump in with any questions as well. Um, but the floor is yours brother. Have at it. All right. Y 'all can hear me pretty good though. We're good. Thumbs up. All right. Good deal. All right, guys. So now we're now, here we go.
Speaker: Before I even get started, I want to thank this dude up here, man. Thank you. I needed this. And I appreciate you being here for me through this too. And it's only going to get better from here, guys. So I've been wanting to do this a while. I just didn't know where to start. And after a lot of thinking,
Speaker: and an eye -opening experience here recently. It's time for me to get it out. So I'm not Haas. I'm not this busted rubber, okay? My name's Robert. I was born in September of 1986 in a town of Moses Lake, Washington.
Speaker: From what I understand and what I was told is two different things. I had a really rough childhood. I was told that my sperm donor was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused me for four years from age one to age four.
Speaker: Allegedly allegedly I say that let's say allegedly I Don't remember much about that point in my life I remember bits and pieces but the bits and pieces that I do remember do not involve the physical the mental and emotional abuse
Speaker: So to this day, I don't know really what to believe the first four years of my life. Anyways, the age of four and a half, maybe five, my mom didn't have a babysitter one night.
Speaker: She decided she wanted to go to a party Okay And we've all been teens we've been to parties we've been to keggers Who hasn't this is what that was at the age of I? Was for so that would make my sister who were one or two maybe oh
Speaker: Anyways Remember going to this party and she met this guy I Don't remember much about the party because I was put off in the bedroom asleep You know kind of weird right go four or five year old going to a drinking party sleeping in some random ass guy's house And somebody's bed. You don't know what the hell's going on, right? so
Speaker: Fast forward to what I can remember of that night Mom had a 1980 something for the LTV And This strange ass dude I never met in my life Grew my mom home because she was so fucked up on drugs and alcohol that she couldn't fucking see straight or function, right?
Speaker: Fast forward a little bit longer, you know, I don't remember much about my life in Moses Lake. I was there from birth until whatever the fifth grade, age of fifth grade is these days, or those days, maybe what, 11 or eight or nine, maybe 10. So I don't remember much other than
Speaker: partying, drugs, and bouncing around from place to place. Not knowing where I'm going to let my head at next because I had one person that was obviously, I don't know how my wife puts it, enabler, so to speak. They were each other's enablers.
Speaker: So I don't remember much. I remember all of that bouncing around place to place. I'm sorry I got off track, but I also, after a couple of years of bouncing place to place and drugs and alcohol and parties and
Speaker: weird ass people coming to my house to babysit, they get fucked up on drugs and whatever else. Pass out mom and dad's bed puke all over the table in their bed and then try to come out the fucking window. You know, uh, I shortly after that, I experienced domestic violence for the first time. I was too young to understand what was going on.
Speaker: But I realized, you see, mom and dad, they had a crack at it. There was addiction to crack. We lived in government housing. Jenny and Tony, you may recognize what I'm telling you. We lived on the base, Airway Heights, right next to Boeing and the airport right there. They're Patton Park.
Speaker: We live right there. I witnessed a full blown crack addiction with this guy my mom met. There was nights, countless nights that they would consist of yelling, screaming,
Speaker: I don't mean to interrupt you, Hoss, but the earbuds have gotten wonky again on you. Got that robot voice. So the only downside with using Bluetooth earbuds, I've experienced that in the past as well. It's kind of a pain in the neck. But it's wild listening to Hoss talk about this so far, where he's gone.
Speaker: And I can relate so much to it because, you know, it's kind of similar to, uh, my early, my early life in my early upbringing and whatnot, you know, um, coming from a broken home and parents that were divorced, mom, that like to party and have a good time and bring different men into the house all the time. It's kind of, it's, it's kind of like I'm hearing somebody tell, tell me about my life. It's kind of crazy. Can y 'all hear me okay now?
Speaker: I can make some adjustments here. Hold on one second. I'll make some adjustments here. Oh, no, I can't actually. I got you. I got you potted all the way up. Let's see how you sound. Can you hear me all right? Is that good? You're a little low, but. OK, that's all right. I could talk a little louder. That's OK. There you go. Yeah, just just. Anyway. I experienced I experienced that.
Speaker: crack addiction, the cause of that, the abuse that my mom went through. I mean, I had seen some shit. I thought my mom was dead. I really did. With the same guy now, I need to tell you she was still with to this day. But soon that addiction that this guy had in my life, or in his life,
Speaker: slowly turned from just my mom, okay, just mom, to a slowly progressed into me. And when I say that, when I say slowly progressed, I think it finally took full effect when my younger brother was born. The last child, his biological child, his only biological child,
Speaker: was born. And the day that he was born, from then on, that's when the physical abuse started. That's when it stopped at mom and went to me. It started out with a belt.
Speaker: I didn't realize as a kid, you just don't have the sight to be aware of what your peers have been through. I don't what you, what she's saying is, you know, basically she didn't realize, you know, that she, what, you know, you guys were friends at this time period, you know, or maybe during your friendship, what you were going through, because when we're younger.
Speaker: we're not old enough or we don't have the life experiences or the knowledge to know, oh my gosh, something terrible is going on at home for anybody. I mean, there's a ton of instances where something really bad happens to a kid or to even an older kid and they
Speaker: may interview or talk to their peers and they would be like, I had no idea because you know, the person we've seen at home and again, you know, we said this earlier in the show. Um, we, as people, uh, whether we do it intentionally or unintentionally, we had, we, we put on a facade. We put on a fake personality to get through when people are around. So, you know, it's not necessarily
Speaker: anybody's fault that they don't realize because you're the person that you were in public or, you know, around other people was different person that you were. Hey, y 'all, this is my wife. This is, this is miss Brandy. This is, Hey, this right here is my, my main, my main main right here. But I said that like, but the kids just, um,
Speaker: I'm getting there. Just hold one second. You're fine. This is okay. It's hard. It's, it's hard to do. No, it's not that I forgot where I was at the ADD for you, man. I'm telling you ADD, man. I don't know what the crack you stopped when
Speaker: my brother was born on his dad's behalf. I can't tell you about mom. I don't think dad's did. But I mean, the domestic violence was still there. He was still beating the shit out of her. You know, that's all there was to it. And it was the crack addiction. I found that out way on later on in life, what that was. I don't think it stopped in dad's deal, but mom, I'm pretty sure it did when she was pregnant with brother.
Speaker: uh It got the point. I guess mom may have cleaned herself up after brother was born. I don't know because A lot of different a lot of different things happened but I know that she wasn't getting hit no more. It would start out with You know a belt across the ass out of something Minor, you know, there's parents in here now, you know, you know how kids they get excited and get rowdy and they do some shit They're not supposed to get a crack on the ass with a belt or something
Speaker: That's what it started out with. Oh, I probably better shouldn't do that no more. And then just randomly, it would switch up from a... But I guess it was probably time for a change. Nope, I jumped in. Sorry. Anyway.
Speaker: We can, we still moved around Moses Lake right before we left. Uh, we ended up living at his house, uh, on cars, well -drive and Moses Lake to 17 to be exact. It was a duplex connected at the garage. Uh, I experienced traumas with the police there.
Speaker: we'd get the shit beat out of us, me and mom would, dude would run. So I didn't have to hide from what was going on, keep my mind busy. I decided I wanted to play flag football. I was at the school, I believe it was North Elementary. Met a kid, his name was Jacob Bolin.
Speaker: Yeah, he we was the same age. We was both we both played flat football. Okay, so I wanted that guy to be my coach because that guy played football that guy was my hero. You know what I mean? That guy's the guy that's raised me. Hell yeah, I want him to I want him to be my coach.
Speaker: So met this kid on the flag football team and probably the third grade. Okay. And we both play football together. And this kid is my witness. I don't know if he's out there listening somewhere or not, but if he is, he can, he can verify this man. My dad took me.
Speaker: to my first flag football practice at the side yard out there at the recess area. And this guy smelled rick to booze, tweaking rick to brew, rick to booze. I don't remember much, but I do remember that
Speaker: my dad yanked me off of that football field yank the uh yank the little cord that the damn velcroed flags hang on to yanked it off of me and throw it on the ground and said you know we're going home let's go come to find out he was drunk he showed up drunk to a kid's function at a kid's school I got home and that was the first time that I ever
Speaker: was beaten the way that I had been. I was beaten with hands. I was beaten with fist. I was beaten with objects. I was I was thrown. I was kicked. I was stomped because he got because he got on got pissed off because somebody caught him out being drunk with a bunch of kids and showing his ass. I never
Speaker: was into sports like that really after that at all. But shortly after that happened, we packed up middle of the night. We packed up a U -Haul and we went and stayed from over there on Carswell Drive next to North Elementary School to over by the Aquatic Center right there in Moses Lake to my grandmother's house.
Speaker: we slept there overnight. And the next morning we were up and in this U -Haul going about an hour up the road to this little shithole town that they call up, Lind, Washington. Okay. To, for those of you guys that aren't familiar, this place is
Speaker: nothing. It's a farm community, nothing but flat land and wheat. No, no nothing. This place is like a desert in the summertime and it's like a desert in the wintertime. We used to get storms up in this place and there would be dust, thunder, and lightning, no rain. This is that kind of place, a little desert ass town. And
Speaker: We moved up there and I started at the elementary school down there. I was in the fifth grade. My teacher at the time, her name was Connie Fields. She was our fifth grade teacher. Now we lived in this town. I'd say on a rough shop back
Speaker: when me and everybody was there. This place had a population of maybe 500 people give, just give or take. It's a very toxic place. It started out great. It started great. Not going to lie. I enjoyed it. And then, you know, how the small towns get.
Speaker: you know, you get them, you know, people that just kind of stand out, you know, and they just kind of, they judge you by how you look at that time. That's one of those things with small towns. Everybody, everybody knows everybody. And unfortunately, um, everybody's in your business at the same time. Uh, welcome to the show. Uh, real quick, I don't mean to interrupt you.
Speaker: I just wanna welcome Brian to the show. Brian's a really good friend of mine that I've met through this streaming stuff and doing shows and stuff like that together. And I know he's one of the, yeah, he's an advocate on men's mental health. He's gone through some things and stuff like that. Hoss and I met through my periscoping days when I first started and
Speaker: Haas reached out Saturday night during the show and asked about sharing his story. And me just not thinking, I thought he meant like a phone call or something like that, but he asked if we could have the platform. And basically I wanted to give him an opportunity to put his story out there and share it with everybody. But I also wanted to, I wanted to extend an invite to some of the guys out there that I know that have kind of gone through not necessarily the same thing or anything like that, but we've all gone through things and we've all dealt with things.
Speaker: And be kind of a, cuz this is not gonna be easy for him. He's powering through it, I can see it, I can hear it in his voice. But I wanted him to know even complete strangers, we could create a support system and kind of have a support wall for him. So I was just kind of letting him get his story out there. I told him Connor and I would drop our mics down, but if he wanted to add anything or
Speaker: you know, jump in and you know, add anything at all. We would we would kind of pop in from time to time but other than that, just kind of let him do his thing. Cool. Thank you for having me. It's good to meet you, man. It really is. Pleasure to meet you too. But it's it's **** up, man. It it really is.
Speaker: We moved here. Is it okay if I go on or? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I didn't want to cut nobody off. I'm sorry. I just wanted to kind of let Brian know and you know, introduce you guys. So you see, you're going to see a couple of strange faces pop up here tonight. I don't know who all is going to make it and who else not going to make it, but you know, this is all completely new to me guys. This is the absolute very first, very first ever, anything like this for me. Uh,
Speaker: I I from time to time I'll do the the little live deal on the TikTok and and shit like that but it doesn't amount to that. I'm not on very long. So, this is all very new to me. So, I'm sorry if I'm kind of dragging **** and **** but it's all good. It's good. Don't worry. I mean, you know, you know, again, like you said, it's new to you and you know, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to, I'm going to do it my way. You know, I want to do it big. I
Speaker: I want people to know that they're not alone, you know, that if there's someone going through the exact same thing that I'm going through now, you know, if it helps, then I'm happy. But so, a lot of good people first there, you know, then the true colors started showing out mom and dad tried to hide their, their addiction, their problems, their issues, their everything. They, they,
Speaker: they they thought they had it covered up. They they thought that you know, but eventually the true color showed. Now, it reminds you this small town. Everybody knows everybody. Obviously, there there's I don't know how many of them from back there that that are in here on YouTube now but I mean, I I went squirrel. Sorry guys.
Speaker: their true colors showed and for the longest time I I I blame myself I guess for the for their issues I guess because I know that there was something wrong I've known there was something wrong with me from a very very young age and I've made it known but nobody done nothing so I mean I knew that I wasn't okay I thought it was my fault and and I didn't help that situation any either
Speaker: But I eventually realized that not only was I catching that shit at home, the abuse and the degrading, the abuse that I was getting at home, after so long, the kids, the kids, Jenny, the kids, not Jenny, and just as an example, the kids that were in that town,
Speaker: were feeding off the emotions of their parents or whoever, somebody that had an issue with how my parents was. And because people didn't like my parents, their kids didn't like us. And I dealt with a lot of, I dealt with that up until the time that I moved here. And it took me forever to realize that all the anger and the
Speaker: bullying the abuse was all their fault. And it wasn't they were feeding off somebody else's emotion toward a situation that I had no control over. But the physical abuse was really rampant around the seventh grade.
Speaker: Dad made some fucked up decisions in his life that affected his career that affected his He done some shit that affected his journey in life. I'll put it that way. It wasn't nothing criminal that he has done so to speak I guess but It that somehow turned around to be my fault Not not just
Speaker: mom, not just anybody else, not the brother, not the sister. It was targeted at me and the more I thought about it, this is the exact same story that was told about my sperm donor. I've been told my entire life that to this day that they would still tell you it was him. He was abusive. He beats you. But the abuse that I experienced, the abuse that I went through
Speaker: uh, wasn't my fault. You know, I don't wish that on anybody, man. Now that's the downside, you know, and I was mad at them because they didn't understand. I, I, I was telling Tony about this, Chris. Uh, I was telling Tony, she's down here in the, in the chat in YouTube.
Speaker: I finally broke down and talked to her. I made a post on Facebook just to get that shit out there and it still wasn't good enough. I didn't feel like somebody was hearing me. So a lot of this is a more in -depth than what I posted on Facebook and I don't have Facebook.
Speaker: But it's so much deeper than that. I didn't care. They saw that as a target after all of this, and I was that guy that the target, the one that I got beat at home, the way I seen it, I wasn't gonna fight you back, man. I was so physically and mentally just broken, bro, that,
Speaker: I wouldn't have even thought I'm back. I mean, there's, Jenny can count on this man. I come to school with black eyes, man. Black eyes at 11, 12 years old, the middle school man, seventh grade with black eyes, man, lumps on my head. Lip looked like Bubba from Forrest Gump, bro. It didn't stop.
Speaker: I was telling Tony, I said, she, she sent me pictures of home. That's always going to be home of the most toxic, calming place to me, the most toxic and calming points. And the reason I say that is because you got kids that it was like, like Jenny right here. That's in here. I don't know if she's still in here, but like Jenny, Jenny knew she, she knew this. See, you see, she, I'm not lying to you guys, man. It was awful.
Speaker: I caught shit at home. I caught the physical abuse at home. I caught the physical abuse at school. I was telling Miss Tony, man, this lady has been with me since the fifth grade. I faked being stupid. I faked being retarded so I could be put into a special education class to be with that woman because she was my safe place.
Speaker: And I got that effect from Jenny. Like, Jenny don't know the effect that she had on me either. Like just a little shit, man. One story from Jenny, man, we were sitting at a, we had to been maybe fifth grade, sixth grade. Was it a basketball game, I guess, rec league, elementary league, whatever, the little kids basketball. Jenny, was there,
Speaker: Uh, Jenny was there, uh, taking pictures, doing recordings, something, doing something with that little basketball game. So I was off on her own little world, just jamming the headphones. I was in a new place. I didn't know anybody. My sister was on the team. That's the only reason I was there. And I just kind of sat next to her and I looked at the little camera, watched all the games and stuff. And she just kind of hands me a headphone and I was like, well, so I was like, what's this? And she goes, it's fuel.
Speaker: I was like, okay, like the best memory of her right there with that. That was it. I, you know, she, she never went out of her way to really treat me like the rest of the kids did. Does that make sense? Like she, she was there, you know, like she just stayed neutral in the situation, but
Speaker: It was great because now there was two places that I had that I knew that it was going to be cool. I remember also with her, another story. We was in FFA at the high school, middle school, whatever it is. Now it was a high school back then. And we put on a haunted house, man. And then this girl, she was, she was a sports nut, man. She played volleyball with softball, you know, and, uh, she fucked her leg up, fucked her knee up something. She had, I don't know what she had done to it, bro, but
Speaker: It was pretty bad, man. And so we put on this haunted house, the FFA did, man. Me and just all the boys, Jared and all of them. And we always in that class and put on this haunted house. And it was pretty cool. I felt like shit, man. Cause I played this like uncle Fester looking thing. It was funny. I ain't gonna lie. It was funny. I had this white, I don't know, like,
Speaker: I can't tell you, it wasn't face paint, bro. It was some kind of other paint, man, because when you peeled it off, it brought it, brought your skin with you, man. It felt like he was slowly tearing duct tape off your face and it hurt. I played the dead uncle fester. That's the best way. Uh, uh, but I reached out and my part of my deal was to set up and grab them and scare them. And I grabbed this chick boot man. She was wearing a boot.
Speaker: And the next thing I hear, I hear a flap and all the leaves just kind of around where I was at. And I was like, I tripped this poor girl up. I felt like total shit, dude. It hurt so bad because I knew she fucked herself up and that didn't help it no better, man. But those are just a couple of those with her, man. And honestly, there's not many of those for many people growing up.
Speaker: I've learned to accept the fact that I was mad at them for nothing that they did to me, really. And that's the thing, you know, when you, when you, you know, when you go through a rough childhood, a rough upbringing and stuff like that, you try to find solace and peace and whatever good memories that you can make during that hard time. And, and, and Jen, I gotta say,
Speaker: you know, you guys were just kids back then. You can't let what happened back then, you know, haunt you today because you stay in neutral. As you said, you were just a kid at the end of the day. We've all been there. Who the hell is going to listen to you? You know, you you know, there's a there's a song from back in the day. It's a country. I'm sorry. Oh, you're good. There's a country song from back in the day called Alyssa Lies and it's about a little girl. Yes.
Speaker: who, you know, went to her dad and thankfully her dad actually listened to her. But how many cases do we see on the news or reading the newspaper of, you know, kids who are being abused and whatnot? And, you know, nothing's done no matter if, you know, another student or another kid goes to a teacher or to somebody of authority and tells them,
Speaker: and yet still nothing is done because they're a dumb kid and who's going to listen to a dumb kid at the end of the day. Right. And that's exactly the mentality I had, Glick. I'm glad you said that because as you were saying that it popped into my head that I was, I was let down. I was let down a couple of instances of this, just a couple of the worst beatings that I've had. Okay. Now.
Speaker: This first one I talked to Tony about this and and and all this man, but some minute shit happened. I was in. I was in the sixth grade. I do know that. I something I knew had happened. I that's how important that was to me. I don't know what it was, but the per the it was. They made a big fuss out of it, man, and it pissed Dad off. It pissed him off something bad and.
Speaker: the principal, I'm not going to name any names. Chris Johnson, you're a scumbag. Uh, this man yanked me out of a class. I don't know what class it was over something petty and said, well, I told your dad what happened and he wants me to bring you home. Now this piece of shit failed me as a principal. This dude was not only a sixth grade teacher, he was a principal. This principal of the school personally drove me the half a mile
Speaker: literally across the other side of town, I could walk there in two minutes to personally get beat down, completely beat down over something that was so petty that it was nothing. This dude allowed me to go home and get physically abused. I showed up to school the next day with bruises on my arms, on my chest, on my back and a lip sticking out to here, man. How, how, how are you going to define that?
Speaker: They put two and two together. Kids aren't dumb. Kids thought, hey, this is going on at home. Let's do it in real life. Let's do it to them outside of that because apparently it's okay for it to be done behind closed doors. And that's the unfortunate thing with society.
Speaker: like you said you're from a small town and the parents all knew what was happening in your house and the adults in the town all knew what was going on in your home and rather than speaking out or being that that voice for the voiceless so to say which is you know what you were going through or any child that's ever been abused you know they're voiceless instead of those adults or parents or teachers or whatever
Speaker: doing the right thing and sticking up for you and being your voice, rather instead they behind closed doors, they basically shunned your family. They talk bad about you to where the other kids at school thought, well, if mom and dad say that, you know, that family's garbage and, you know, Rob's garbage, then, you know, I'm going to treat him like garbage because it's taught. It's not a kids. Kids are not naturally hateful, despite full little monsters.
Speaker: You know, I'm a dad myself and you know, as the kindest, gentlest, happiest little goofball in the world. But if I can be honest with you, Chris, with it wasn't just the students. It wasn't just the parents, man. When I tell you that I had nobody, man, I had nobody, uh,
Speaker: It was so bad at one point in time. Here's a story that Jenny doesn't know, but and what brand he doesn't know. But Miss Tony knows we had a dare program. Y 'all remember the dare program from school. Keep kids off drugs, you know. The officer. Ned Bernath. You know he he was.
Speaker: He, he, if law enforcement was to keep you safe, he was the one that I would have trusted to keep me safe. Let's put it that way. I told Ned Bernath that after, after a dare meeting, man, we were outside playing at recess. I says, I says, deputy Ned, I, I, I'm getting hit at home. I'm getting beat up. I says, I, I told the teachers, the teachers won't do nothing. Every fucking teacher turned their back on to what was going on.
Speaker: and to quote the woman that we were told to stay out of it. It wasn't our business to stay out of it. That was the school system. That was the law enforcement. So not only was I failed by the teachers that are virtually paid to teach you, to protect you, to keep you safe in their possession, didn't do that.
Speaker: So you, and it's, you know, and this is the crazy thing. It's, you know, you say that and it's almost like, man, this is like kind of a once in a, like a one -time deal, but unfortunately y 'all, especially adults, we have to listen and pay attention to what our kids are saying.
Speaker: especially the teachers and stuff like that, the ball has been dropped on kids for years. And this is just one person, this is just one man telling his story about what he went through as a child. And how everybody literally dropped the ball and let them down. Think about everybody else that it's happened to, think about all the other kids. Think about the kids that it's happening to right now, maybe in your neighborhood.
Speaker: and people trying to wind eye to it. It's crazy to me. I had virtually nobody, bro. I was non -existent in my home unless I was getting beat on. So I didn't have no kids to hang out with. I had the Rogers boys.
Speaker: the two from Washington that's in here that I know of, that are on YouTube, they know the Rogers boys. Well, I had them. If I wasn't there, if I was there, I wasn't getting beaten, but I was still surrounded by domestic assault, child abuse and alcoholism. But I wasn't being beaten. And I knew that them boys, they weren't being beaten by their mom or their dad.
Speaker: Because I was there, people were scared to do that back then. I don't know if they're still scared to do that today or not, but beat their own kids and then have someone else's kids come over and not beat them in front of them. You know what I mean, that type of deal. So I had them.
Speaker: Yeah, we raised some hell. We got, we got in lots of trouble. I ain't gonna lie, man, but we learned to keep our mouth shut. We, we tell, we, we would tell story on the Rogers now we would tell mom, Hey man, but I'm going over here to sleep with him because, because, you know, talk toxicity loves toxicity, misery loves company. And to this day, I'm going to tell you right now, my parents are the most miserable motherfucking people I know in my life. So they attracted to the Rogers boys as parents. They got drunk together. They'd done drugs together.
Speaker: You know, so we would lie to our parents and say we was going to stay at each other's houses. And then we would turn around. Lynn was a small town, small farm town, man. A lot of farm line. We'd go out and find an old abandoned farm somewhere. And we would just sit up all night bullshitting. There's not a part in that town that I lived in that I didn't walk because I didn't have anybody else. And I found a lot of places. Let's get real with you, man. I was trying to commit suicide. I was trying to kill myself.
Speaker: And that's point blank, man. I had that town. I had endless possibilities because it was so small I could walk it. I can tell you parts about that town and I haven't lived there in 20 plus years. The people that still live there know that I didn't know existed that go find it and it still existed.
Speaker: So I had lots of places, I had lots of opportunity, and I got lots of means to commit suicide, man. The only thing that didn't stop me was the fact that there was something in the voice in my head that said, they're not gonna miss you. They're not gonna come look for you. I mean, you're just doing them the favor. That right there is what saved me. I knew if I can go from having a nice farm rope, big bull rope,
Speaker: Accessible to me in an old abandoned barn right in the middle of town Nobody would have found me no way would have come and looked for me. Nobody would have done nothing So it would have done no good. So they had to deal with me, you know It's it's it's funny how a certain level of almost defiance No cost pay to spade
Speaker: Just the will to be an asshole was in a dark spot, in a very dark place. That was your light. That was your shining light to keep you from doing what you were doing. Just to be a defiant asshole and still make sure they had to deal with you. Which I'm glad you didn't do it, obviously. I was a very miserable person. I was the person by the time that I left Lynn, Washington.
Speaker: to come over here to Eastern Tennessee, I was that guy that walked right out in the middle of town of Kaboom. I mean, that was that, but I didn't because nobody would have cared. That's the reason I didn't. Nobody would have cared. Well, at that age, those kids would have only known the memories of the person that I was back then.
Speaker: And that's the thing, a lot of these people probably still do. But I'm grateful that the ones that are here that they know, man, that they're not the problem. They're not the problem, but I was mad at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. So let me ask you something. Okay. With everything that's happened, and I guess you can be kind of a
Speaker: Roundtable thing kind of want to get the other guys's opinions as well With everything that's happened Everything that happened to you as a child growing up up to this point where you are still in Washington before you before you come to Tennessee In your life right now as an adult with with with children of your own and everything like that I'm a very firm believer in
Speaker: I'm never going to forget. I'm never going to forget what something that somebody's done to me. But have you reached a level yet where you're willing to look at the past and understand, look, knowing what you've gone through in your personal life with your addictions and stuff like that, looking back and go, look, I know that this monster had a hold of them. This monster had control. It may or may not have necessarily been who they actually were as real people, but that addiction, that drug monster, that alcohol,
Speaker: It had a hold of them. It had such a tight grip on them and it turned them into something that they weren't necessarily. Are you able to, or were you able to yet find a place to, to forgive them? And if you haven't, that's, you know, you'll do that when you get there. I'm just curious to know in your state of mind now, have you reached that level of being able to, to forgive them? Um, damn, dude. Can I answer partly on that?
Speaker: never forget. Don't ever forget anything. No, no, no, no. I just I'm getting right. Don't I don't don't change nothing up. I'm going to I'm going to get into it. As far as being a. Addict to multiple substances. Yes, I can forgive them for being an addict. Because addiction is a disease, man. It
Speaker: It it grabs you before you even know that it has a hold of you. It's it's hard to it. Trust me, it's it's it's hard. It's not the story, dude. I don't it's not the story. It's it's really not. The fact that there's somebody out there from the the
Speaker: that that knows the shit that I went through, bro. And that comment you just pinned. Do you know how many years I've been waiting for something like that to happen? What did he mean? Yeah, that that. That's that's that's what it's all about, dude. You know, I think I think I think Brian can agree with me. I think Connor can agree with me. It's not about where you come from at the end of the day.
Speaker: Your story doesn't dictate, your past doesn't dictate who you are or who you become. That's up to you. You know, you get to decide at the end of the day, ultimately the person you want to be, who, you know, and where you want to be in life. Yeah. We're all going to, we're all eventually going to take that, you know, I'm sure, you know, Connor's done it. Maybe Brian's done it. They can, they can kind of say I'm wrong or right. Um,
Speaker: But we all have choices to make in life. We can either go down road A or road B. But ultimately at the end of the day, we're going to get back to where we need to be as long as we want to better ourselves. I've gone through the trials and tribulations and I've had choices. I can keep going down this path or I can go down this other path and I can become a,
Speaker: Not necessarily a better person, but I'm still the same old asshole I've always been, but a little bit better version of who I used to be. Yeah. You know, and it's funny, man. Uh, you know, again, this is kind of, uh, this is kind of a spoiler alert, man. This is not just a one way. This wasn't just one person in the household, bro.
Speaker: No, no, no, this wasn't just, I wasn't catching the abuse from just one person in the house. Very rarely is. That's the sad part about it is the thing is mom was relatively, um, she, you know, uh, my, my, my mom
Speaker: the the the
Speaker: Well, what about all the other beatings that I took? What about all of this that I did and all of this that I did? Well, I let it go. I didn't have the answer to that. I was so mentally fucked and controlled by her that you go out there and say, hey Robert, I took a piss out here and it's lime green.
Speaker: I'd go out there and I'll be a son of a bitch. That piss was lime green. That's my mom. OK. If you don't mind. Not at all. Brian, go ahead and queue up your mic real quick. And what you just dropped in the comments. If you want to reiterate that for me, man, because that's true statement.
Speaker: Kind of what I was trying to get to, Brian just said it way better than I did. So this is like one of the quotes that I've come across on Reddit because we've all been through some shit, very traumatic shit. And I know for most of us, the hardest thing is to let it go because we carry it. It's a burden.
Speaker: We feel guilty. We have survivors guilt of it. Um, cause so it takes some time, but it can be done, but pretty much it's let go. Sometimes the only solution is to let it go. No more overthinking, no more crying, no more headaches, exhale, keep your sanity. Hmm.
Speaker: I couldn't have said that any better myself, Brian, because this is this is me letting go. This is I'm saying this. And then after this is said, it's. I've let go everything I've let go. I'm at peace. You know, I'm going to do my thing now. You know, that's but I need to get that out there because I want to know I want people to know why
Speaker: you know, this is why you're doing this. You know, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of something I should have let go of 25 plus years ago. You know, this is just my way of doing it. And the people that are in here, they're part of this story. And they'll forever be in my heart and I still forever be in contact with these people. But
Speaker: I'm letting go of my past. I'm letting go of every transgression I did to somebody, every transgression that was done to me, I'm letting it all go. Then this is just my way of doing it. And why no better way to do it than start from the very beginning and then to end, you know? So there's no stone left unturned. Yeah. Another one I've come across is you are not what happened to you. You are how you choose to handle it.
Speaker: I wanted, I wanted you to say that out loud there, Brian. Yes, I did too. Thank you. Jesus. Uh, that's a, that's, that's really, that's how you should define yourself is not, is how you handled what you've got across in your past, your trials and your tribulations. Yeah. And my favorite, my favorite word is warrior. I call my wife a warrior woman.
Speaker: I call myself a warrior and listening to you talk about your story and your past and what all you've been through. It's how you've chosen to handle it. Yeah, maybe there might have been a better way to take care of it or maybe there wasn't. But dude, you took it like a fucking champ. You took it on the chin. You kept fucking moving forward and you're here now. I wasn't going to be a statistic, my friend. I refused to be a statistic. And that's why I was telling Glick, man, I needed to get this out. I'm ready to talk, man.
Speaker: I don't care if I was on your show or not, just as long as you got what I had to say out and you do with it what you please. And that's word for word what I said, I needed to get it out. And these people specifically that I asked to be in here are in here now. And that in itself speaks volumes to me. And this is my way of appreciating them highlighting that I had good times with them.
Speaker: No, there's not a negative memory one with these people that I bring up in here, you know? And I wish there was one other dude in here because the dude turned, he turned in, turned out to be a brother of mine, man. Jared Berryman, he was the head guy, man. He was that ringleader, so to speak, in the cartel world of school bullying. He was that El Chapo, you know what I mean? Yeah. Immediately,
Speaker: Right off the rip, there wasn't there. There was nothing I walked through them doors and boom. It was from the time I walked in to the time I walked out of the front door of my fucking house. The time that I got to the front door of that school to the time I got back to the front door of my house was the ringleader of a lot of shit, man. And what brought us together was football, man. We played football together. He was literally my right hand guy on that football team.
Speaker: He was my right guard, I was his left guard. So we were right there, side by side pretty much. And we kind of developed a little bond and as soon as we started playing football together, a lot of shit changed, man. I talked to that man about six years ago, and it's like we never missed a beat. And I haven't seen this guy since September of 2002.
Speaker: I don't talk to him, but Jenny and Tony know who he is, man. And I can say, man, the guy that I've seen, he's completely different from who he was, and I'm proud of him too. Because I know that guy had demons too, and I don't discuss that, but I know he had demons. But I'll forever be grateful to the people that are in here experiencing this with me, especially the ones from back home, not necessarily at home.
Speaker: but it's home. It's always going to be home. Uh, it's, it's the most toxic, calming place up until this point that I could tell you I've ever been to because when I still get into my moods, the first thing I do, I get onto Google earth, man, and I Google my home address and I'll sit there and I will, I will do this number on my phone like this right here.
Speaker: just virtually walking every field like I always did when I felt like I didn't have nobody. I'd walk those same hills in those same just coasting over just because it calms me. It's the most calming, toxic place I've ever been. That's funny how the place that has
Speaker: some of the, some of the hardest times and probably some of the worst memories, you know, from our childhood also kind of becomes that, um, that, uh, almost like a safety net, like, uh, like, uh, you know, sometimes you, or you find yourself drifting back one, like you said, it's, it's almost a common effect. Um, I was talking to a buddy of mine. I was talking to a buddy of mine that, uh, uh, not too long ago.
Speaker: There was a news story that came, the news story that came out about the husband here in Ohio that basically executed his wife and his three sons while he was a survivor of family mass murder. Basically his dad killed his four siblings and his mom and he thought he was dead as well.
Speaker: And then he turned the gun on himself and killed himself after he set the house on fire. And we were talking about it because that story came out and he was like, it's crazy. I moved so far away from there, but yet sometimes I had this urge to go back because that's home. And he finds peace there. One of the worst tragedies ever happened to this kid in his entire fucking life.
Speaker: Every once in a while he hops on a train or a plane or jumps in his car and drives back and stays in a hotel nearby and just goes visits. He finds peace there. It's kind of wild where as human beings, some of the worst things that ever happened to us, where it happened to us that we can find the most peace and the most calmness there.
Speaker: Well, also, too, you can reflect on it because you realize it's a it's a it's a personal personal development because when you look at it, you know, you realize you reflect things that went on, but then you look at yourself how you were then to you are now. It's like a huge drastic change because. Coming up from like like me, like I grew up in the hood.
Speaker: all right. Every other day was shootings and sirens and everything going on. So, and then with all the stuff that I endured growing up as a kid, but you look at it, well, when I look at it, from my point of view, it's like, I look at him like, damn, I came from a shithole. I grew up in a shithole and then through life,
Speaker: with my parents splitting with me, staying with my dad was the best decision because I was going to go nowhere with my mom. So I stayed with my dad and how I am now to where I was then. It is a huge, huge change because it's like, even though I am, you know, we all have our little stumbles along the way, but we still strive to become better, how to become better. But.
Speaker: I think it's a personal development growth avoid and you receive yourself like, damn, I came from this shithole and to where I am now. I mean, it's, it's, it's kind of like a chaotic sense of calm, I guess. Yeah. Right. Controlled controlled controlled chaos. Yeah. But, you know, it's, it's just, yeah, I mean, and, and like,
Speaker: And I'm glad that the lockdowns happened because I mean, to me, it was beneficial to me because I had time to reflect a lot of stuff because I had a lot on my mind. And one of the stuff I came across was like from Confucius and he says, attack the evil that is within yourself rather than attacking the evil that's in others. I mean, I mean, like philosophy has been like the biggest,
Speaker: and I never would have thought this would be something I'd ever do, man, because, well... It's personal. Yeah, it's personal. I was always grown up, man. Like, I don't know if
Speaker: I'm a 90s kid. Okay. I was born in the 80s. My, my whole 90s. I was growing up, man. During that time, domestic violence and shit like that, dude, the cops that beat their fucking wives or the, you know, it was the cops was, well, you should have been a better wife situation. And, uh, it was the same way with, uh, with, uh,
Speaker: child abuse to, I guess, I don't know if it was maybe just the, the era or if, or what really, I went to law enforcement, man. Like I said, I went to law enforcement, man. And I, and I guess I got the poorly educated way of saying, well, maybe you should be a better kid, you know,
Speaker: and really not knowing that the actual domestic and the actual child assault was stemming from one from one thing and that was substance abuse. They had this facade, I guess you can say this alter ego, just whatever the fuck you want to call it. But they were completely night and day when you were in public, you know,
Speaker: or when, you know, hey, we got a call here and some yelling and screaming and crying and you're hurting me. Oh, no, man. We were just playing every everything's cool, man. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, can we talk to the kids on? Yeah. It was okay. We were just playing, right? Kids. That was mom. Okay. Yeah. They put on that facade, man. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know, well, like, you know, it's the same thing. Like we said earlier, you know, and
Speaker: Growing up and dealing with or even in in life in general dealing with traumatic Things happening to you or going through some terrible things, you know, we create Not only were they creating a a different personality For the outside world. Well, we react by dealing with that We create a personality and a facade and hostile and that goes back to when you and I met
Speaker: You know, you were an absolute domestic terrorist in the chat. I mean, you, you were vulgar, you were disgusting, you were disrespectful as all hell. I mean, I had conversations with you live on the show. And then when we started talking outside of the show, you and I had conversations and it was like, it wasn't until we started having conversations outside of the stream when I realized this isn't who he portrays when he's in there.
Speaker: You know, this is not, this is not us. This is not Rob. This is not the guy that comes into my fucking streams and acts like a complete asshole to the point where I want to punch him in his head some night. And then I start, I got to kind of get a feel for a little bit of, you know, I'm a good, I read, I'm a good reader of people. And I was like, okay, he's dealing with some stuff. Uh, now I understand now I see what's going on. I won't be such a dick to him in the chat.
Speaker: but I also not going to give him the, it's almost a cry for attention. It was like, all the, yes. Yes. And all jokes aside. Yes. Yes, man. That's, that's, that's it. It was, it was help.
Speaker: it was hell and I think Brian understands that too because you know Brian's been doing this live streaming thing for a while for a few years now and he's he's been in different different shows and different platforms and he's and he's seen the guy in the chat or the the person will just say the person in the chat that he's acting completely off the wall for no reason and then it's like
Speaker: you get to learn a little bit more about it when you're like, okay, they just they just want attention. Alright, so we're not going to give them the attention they want. But we're gonna we're gonna let them kind of just do their thing and just kind of like their own.
Speaker: If she comments let me know so can I since we're getting all personal and and stuff and and all respect that I'll do respect to everybody would y 'all mind if I kind of told a personal story between Me and Jenny That's between you and Jenny if you tell a personal story
Speaker: a big part of why I wanted her here to not only not what I've seen her type so far, just kind of blow me away, but a little personal story, man. Do y 'all remember our eighth grade graduation? Splashtown Park. My parents weren't there. That was okay, but that's not, no.
Speaker: Stop it now. Edit that out when you do the whatever, edit that part out. But a little personal deal here, man. Not only with the personal story, me and Jenny had the personal experiences that we've had. The all time best one is this girl right here.
Speaker: was unfortunate enough when we walked down the stage or walked down the aisle to receive our diplomas. She happened to be the one that was paired up with me. I got to escort her to get her diploma and she got to escort me to get mine. That is by far the best memory that I could possibly have in that town.
Speaker: Well, it sounds like you and Jenny. I mean, obviously you said it tonight. I mean, it sounds like you guys were super close. I mean, no, no, really complete opposite. She stayed neutral. She stayed to. She stayed to Jenny. You know, she. Didn't get involved with the bullying. She.
Speaker: She just stayed to herself for the most part. I mean, like we never. Up until those couple of instances like the dance at Camp Wooten in 2018 or I'm sorry, 2001, 2001.
Speaker: Yeah, like that, the dance and that stuff. I mean, there are a lot of good memories there, but other than those few things, Jenny stayed to herself and I just kind of. So, so when, when, where, where was the friendship? When was the friendship developed? Were you guys, because it seems like you guys are pretty close. Um, if I can be honest, uh,
Speaker: I had moved to Tennessee and uh uh I'm gonna kinda jump ahead and then I'll jump back. Uh part of when we moved uh when we moved from land, we uh we left uh second or third day of
Speaker: September because we went to school. We started school back in September back then. And I had already signed up to play football because for me, I wanted to hurt people. I wanted to hurt people really, really, really bad because I was at that place in my head at that time. I wanted to just if I played football and I just kill somebody, hey, as part of the game, I was I was aiming to kill.
Speaker: I honestly, and it, whether it was my team or somebody else's team, uh, 100 % of the time on that field, I was going to kill somebody. That was my mentality. I'm going to kill you. I was in a dark place, man. And, and that football was my outlet to get my violence out. Uh, it, it, I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay and play football. I want to stay and hurt people, you know?
Speaker: But we virtually something happened. I don't know what happened quick. Tony, Sam, Jenny, I don't know what happened. One night after that pep rally before our first freshman game, the year that I left, we left virtually the middle of that night. Me and my mom, something was happening to this day. I do not know the reason that we moved here.
Speaker: it was guys under a job with the United States Department of Agriculture Food Safety Division. Basically, what she does is she inspects the cattle, poultry, pork, and all that shit before it is sold and give to distributors to do with what they do. She's the one that puts that stamp on your meat.
Speaker: FDA approved. Yeah. I'd appreciate it if your mom stops stamping my meat. I said there was going to be somebody in here tonight. Plus, if I can get Brian to do that, it's a win.
Speaker: I've never thought Chris Luke was funny, but that was good. I honestly, in that department, bro, I'm not the one to ask because like I said, my childhood, bro, if my parents weren't partying and fucking beating each other up, they were sitting at home and I'm sorry.
Speaker: I did say that it wasn't just one person, this was two ways. As far as physically, no, my mother never, ever, ever, ever, ever put her hands on me, ever in an abusive way. I hold my mother, I feel the same way about my mother that I do my father because even though my father was the one that physically abused me,
Speaker: She was the one that allowed it to happen. She was the one that continually allowed it to happen and allowed it to happen and then explain it off. Oh, he doesn't know what to do. Uh, it's, oh, he still loves you. You know, that man has not told me he loved me one time since my, his son was born. And I've got right next to me, 10 years, it'll verify that right. And that's, and that's the crazy thing, you know,
Speaker: The, the, you know, when people, when a lot of times when people think, excuse me, abuse, they automatically think physical mental abuse is just as bad.
Speaker: you know, they don't put the physical scars on you or the mental scars are just as bad and just as hurtful. And especially in most, most abusers, let's be honest, you know, whether it's physical and or mental, most abusive people or people that are in abusive relationships or whatever, that person that's doing the abusing is also narcissistic as fuck. You say worse because in some way
Speaker: You can alter. You can alter a physical scar. You can alter a physical injury. You can alter and fix it and make it normal. The thing is that it doesn't matter what you do or how you cut it. There is zero cure.
Speaker: You're an emotional scar. There's no altering. There's nothing you can do to fix that condition. There's no cure for it. And that's the fucked up thing in my situation is because I still got two parents to this day that do not give a fuck about me. I can suck at that. So I want to ask you something because Brian kind of touched on it and Brian and I kind of similar background, you know, I grew up in living in the hood and in the ghetto and this and the other thing with my mom.
Speaker: Um, we had a very unfortunate incident instance, uh, while a couple instances, um, which basically it was like, if I don't get the fuck out, I'm going to probably wind up dead in these streets and be a statistic, be another number, be another casualty to the streets. Not because I was out there gang banging or drug and dealing drugs or doing drugs or anything like that. It's just my fish, my, my personality and my, you know, who I was even at 12 years old. But, um, you know, when I'm, uh,
Speaker: I had to, I had to go live with my dad. Um, I won't say things got a whole lot better in the home. I mean, it got better. Don't get me wrong. It got better to a certain degree, but I was given better opportunities and I was given a better chance of, you know, I had a teacher in eighth grade that told me I wouldn't live to see 18 with the rate I was going or eighth grade. Yeah. I was eighth grade teacher said I wouldn't see 18.
Speaker: the rate I was born, but did it get better at all in any way, shape or form when you guys left Washington and came to Tennessee? No, sir. No, sir. I'm I'm here to tell you firsthand. No, sir. It it changed absolutely nothing. It was the same shit. Just a different location.
Speaker: because your mom's still with the same guy or is she still with him today? Yes. Yes. Yes. They have been together since I was four years old. This emotional moment has been caused from the time those two were together to current day and I said current day because it's still ongoing and I'm I'm still handling that.
Speaker: And that's what happened. I don't know, Jenny. I don't know, Tony. I don't know why I moved out here. I understood there was a job. There is indeed a job. And she has done the same job since the day we moved here. I will say that. The job is legit, but I do not know why
Speaker: with there being USDA field offices as far away as Moses Lake, Washington from where we lived in Lynn, Washington, that I have personally been to with her. I don't understand why East Tennessee, why over near next to Knoxville, why this exact location, I don't know. I don't know. We packed up literally in the middle of the night, me and my mom did.
Speaker: We packed up that little blue fucking Pontiac grand dam. And we, me and mom drove from Lynn, Washington to basically Knoxville, Tennessee. Uh, no, no explanation other than it was a job. One does not just simply move 3000 miles away for a job. Yeah, somebody does not just tip out.
Speaker: In the middle of the night, like you said, like, you know, and it wasn't, it wasn't the whole family, bro. It was, uh, it was me and mom first. Me and mom, well, I loaded up. I had a fucking meltdown. I did not want to go. I wanted to stay and play football and I refused to leave because I wanted to play football.
Speaker: And I says, okay, let me get my football jersey. Let me get my football helmet. Let me get my yearbooks with my memorabilia from my football games. Let me get that with me so I can have it with me. No, no, no, man. Mom, your dad and then they'll bring it down when they come down with us. I'll make sure they grab it.
Speaker: I don't, I don't know. I don't know why I moved down into this day. I still have no, no football memorabilia, man. No, no memories, no, no memories at all with this dude. That was literally the main reason I wanted to go and kill myself. That turned into a friend of mine because of a common interest in hurting people.
Speaker: We turned into best friends and it stopped virtually. I have no memories of that to look back on because it was never brought. To that day, that very reason right there is the reason that after that couple of weeks that I could say unofficially, I was a freshman football player.
Speaker: and my **** wasn't on the truck. My memories the the special messages from each person on that football team that the coach. Basically said if you want to sign your books, you're going to write something positive in each person's yearbook and we pass out past that yearbook around and we all wrote something positive about each other in a yearbook. I don't I don't have none of that bro. My interest in everything
Speaker: school related from that point on non -existent, dude. So just out of carry, you know, just kind of a curiosity question. It may be more of a informative question, I guess. Um, so outside of everything that was going on and everything that had happened up to this point in Washington, when you guys, when you, you know, when you left Washington to come to Tennessee, do you feel like for you,
Speaker: Personally, I mean you were already in that mindset, which you know I can relate to that 100 % because violence has always been my my number one go -to I wear the scars, you know, fortunately, yeah, my mom hit on me, you know You know we shouldn't whoop my and like she didn't whoop my ass She didn't beat my ass like you were taught but my mom hit me from time to time. She'd hit on me and stuff like that But she also learned real quick. I was a lot bigger than her would I have ever hit my mom? Absolutely not. I never would have
Speaker: I never have never would have put a hand on her, but I was big enough to stop her from hitting me. So it wasn't like I had that level of abuse. Most of my abuse was, was, was mental to moving in with, you know, I moved in with my dad and I got the gas lighting and stuff like that. Cause, you know, again, my, my stepmom was, you know, sorry, truth is the truth. You were not the greatest person in the world. When I was younger, you treated me like absolute dog shit. Um, and my, and I had my, my dad gaslighting the hell out of me.
Speaker: But, you know, that was now I played football, but that wasn't enough for me as far as the violence go. And that's why I said I wear the scars from my violence, you know, my violent days and stuff like that. And I, I sometimes even now actually remind myself I'm 42. I can't get into a bar fight anymore. I ain't as good as I once was.
Speaker: I had those violence, those violent tendencies and whatnot. But it almost sounds like what you're saying is, despite everything that was going on in Washington and whatnot, and you still had some you were able to you were able to make good memories with some people and have those those memories and whatnot in your mind, they might not be there physically with the yearbook and stuff like that. But it almost sounds like for you personally, your personal downward spiral
Speaker: was once you guys took off out of nowhere in the middle of the night and went out to Tennessee. And when you were younger, it almost seems like you hit that downward spot spiral in the full gear once you got out there, because you said you just just because for the first time, bro, for the way when when that middle school football, that seventh and eighth grade football, when that became an opportunity to me,
Speaker: It was right like that because I had a lot of pent up anger. Everybody failed me from every every every educational professional, whatever the fuck teacher from the grade of five. To the grade of. 9th. Every teacher. Every principal, every secretary,
Speaker: everybody completely failed me. I don't believe he's asking a lot of questions about the move from Washington to Tennessee. When he moved to Tennessee, the abuse with his parents physically kind of stopped a little bit, but it, the abuse, he went and found a female who then betrayed abuse upon him.
Speaker: who is just like his mother. I am. I am my friends. I don't know if this is a thing or if this is a trending vibe, but I come up with it the other day. The if I could, if I as a survivor, my deal, they say survivor. I'm I'm a surviving survivor. Meaning the damage that is done here is always going to be there. There's nothing that I can do.
Speaker: or anybody can do to take this away. I'm always going to, I'm always going to be. Well, I think, I think, I think, you know, like Brian said earlier with the quote that he found about letting it go.
Speaker: You know, one of the biggest steps for me personally, and I don't know if Brian can relate to this or not, but one of the biggest steps for me and finding that inner peace and being able to, uh, handle everything that was up here in my, in my head and, and going on and, you know, sometimes I still slip and stumble, but I don't stay dark for too long. It's usually just kind of a passing, a passing glance of the darkness. And then I, you know, it's okay, but you know,
Speaker: the biggest part for me in letting go was doing exactly what you're doing tonight and being able to let go and to start to let go and to start working on healing mentally was doing exactly what you're doing tonight was finding that outlet and finding that that quote unquote arena to to vent to be able to you know what you don't necessarily have to share your story but being able to
Speaker: To vent and let things out and be who you want to be That's where I found with with with the streaming all the way back on periscope You know, even though I was a 100 mess back then I was I was drinking my fucking face off every saturday night And guess who was drinking with you, buddy? Yeah, you and a lot of people were you know, but you were there with me but um, you know to turning that into
Speaker: that was my safety. That was my safe place. That was my place that I could just go and be me to now. Let me explain my thing. Creating content and having a good time and doing this podcast like Connor just said, you know, he he started playing guitar when he started going through everything he was going through. And lo and behold, holy shit, nobody knew it. I sure as hell didn't know it. Connor's got himself a pretty good voice on him and he can actually sing pretty damn good.
Speaker: I think that my thing's diamond art. See, I tried the whole guitar thing and I don't learn like a lot of people do. I learned one of two ways. I either learn with my hands or I learned the **** hard way. I learned the hard way that it works better that way for me.
Speaker: He knows the hard way, but I don't give up. I mean, like, I mean, like for me, like for me to use my mind, whenever I got a lot of things going to my mind, like I'll unplug and I'll just tell like my dad and my closest friend, like, Hey, look, I just need 12 hours alone, but I'll be back. And whether.
Speaker: whether I go out to a national park, camp out for the night, or I'll go down to Galveston and sit on the rocks and just listen to the waves, you know, like unplugged, got my six pack of root beer, stuff to make Sanchez with, and I'll just sit on the rocks. That's a whole nother story that it's, it's a whole nother chapter to this story, but I did have that. And, and, and I, I was at peace, man. I like for the first time.
Speaker: uh, since the fifth grade, man, when I was walking around in them Hills looking for places to do bad things, but also exploring, you know, just getting away being to myself because I had literally nobody, like I said, but now that, that leads into that right there. I used to, when I moved here, I found a little spot right off, right off the highway, man. And I'd go camping there. I'd stay, I say, I'm going camping a couple of days and I'd stay out there three, four, five,
Speaker: six, seven days at a time out there, man, weeks. I'd not leave. If I needed to shower, I'd walk my ass across the highway to the cramped ground and use the shower and take a shower. I mean, I lived out there. I was at peace, man. It was great. Yeah, the water has always been my - That got ruined.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, it's just how you process it. I mean, because nature has always been my therapeutic source. Yes. When I had a scooter, when my vehicle got repoed, I went ahead and bought me a scooter to get around to and from work.
Speaker: But riding around on that scooter, man, I'd be gone for hours just riding wherever I was gone. And by the time I got done riding, by the time I got back home, like whatever was pissing me off was like, what was I bad about? I completely forgot. But yeah, dude. And I tell you, like, and in the summer times up there, man, like when I tell you there's nothing, man, like the summertime up there, you're looking, uh,
Speaker: in the shade 110, 115 degrees and that's in the shade. And it's not like a down south heat, man. This shit eats through you. It's so hot that you will dehydrate and have a heat stroke and you won't sweat the first drop. I mean, that is how hot it is. And I would walk these hills, man. I mean, that, I mean, look what I'd be out there.
Speaker: I mean, awesome memories, dude. I mean, but we moved down here, man. And I lost interest. I mean, I was all for, I was signed up, had scheduled my $10 doctor visit to go get a sports physical. I had shit to go to play football, man. And then the semi truck with our ship pulled up and guess who shit wasn't in there. Uh, I.
Speaker: right like that and just so I just head to hell with with with yeah, I mean, that's that's the thing. I mean, it's just you know, either the water has always been my happy place. It doesn't matter if it's a river to the lake. I know I love living in Charleston and I can't tell you how many nights especially after my ex -wife and I, you know, we split up and and and I was really dealing with a lot back then. You know, I can't tell you how many nights that
Speaker: you know, unfortunately, you know, down in Charleston, there was, if you go to the island and go to the beach and one of the areas was residents only. So there was residential parking and only the residents could be there and whatnot of Charleston. And there was a few nights I'd go down there and grab a lounge chair and I would sleep on the beach. Yeah. Cause I just needed that, that, that peace of mind. I needed to clear my head. I would wake up the next morning, go to work and I'd be like, Hey,
Speaker: the the the the
Speaker: the the
Speaker: what would be what would bring me pure joy is I would buy my my flight ticket and I'll buy Chris's flight ticket and just go somewhere but I just want to like come on get on this plane Chris. I just want to experience it me on a plane on a plane because they know I'm terrified of heights and they know I'm you do not do it coming from experience bro. Same deal. Don't do it.
Speaker: If you don't have a choice, sit next to the foreign guy like I did. Do you understand English? English? No, no. We go on the plane. I'm landing on you. Yeah. I'm going to have Chris sit by the window. He's going to have a window seat. That's the worst fucking seat, dude.
Speaker: I don't see too many planes catching on fire recently. I'm good with my two feet on the ground. Two things I'll ever do again. I'll never fly again but the one thing I'll never ever do, you can you can go ahead and uh chalk uh hard no for uh cruises. No, I got my fat ass on there and the four guys from Titanic start playing bro. I mean, I mean, I can't handle that. You gotta have some
Speaker: I mean, like the coolest, the coolest thing I got to do on it was like one of my, one of my other best friends, Corey, like, uh, he's, he's in the Navy. He's reserved now, but he was full active at the time, but I met up with him in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Had to get a lot of paperwork filled out, but they have a thing for, uh, friends, a family called the tiger cruise and.
Speaker: I got to be on the ship. The USS kid, it's a destroyer. You got to go from Pearl Harbor, spent six days, six, seven days on the water back to San Diego. And I puked twice. I roll. So, but, but being on a ship, being on the Navy ship like that, that was like one of the most ultimate experiences I ever got to, got to be a part of.
Speaker: I agree with what Brandy said up there earlier about her becoming of driving age and just taking a drive. It was something I used to do back home growing up when I was 16. That's still my thing today. Man, there's certain artists that I like. I jump in my car if I'm having a bad day.
Speaker: put the windows down, cranks the stereo up. I'm on a back road doing a hundred miles an hour down around every corner I can find. And it's something that's common at peace. It clears my mind. It's probably not the safest thing in the world, but it's like, Hey, if I make it, I make it. If I don't, I don't, you know, but, um, and, and, and, and even the nature thing, I, that's good on you, Brandy, for making house taking shoes. So that means we're not skydiving. We are not skydiving. No, no skydiving.
Speaker: Oh, come on, man. I want to go for my sixth one. Go ahead. I'll watch you from the ground. The thing is, is about the right there. I used to do that as a teenager. But after me and Hoss got together, he didn't like that. That was like a major trigger for him. So I couldn't do that anymore. So I had to learn how to go different ways.
Speaker: Oh man, I mean, I mean when I first got involved with skydiving, that was when I had my family tragedy and as much. A lot of mixed emotions going on with that family tragedy. When I got back to work because I just couldn't stand being at home. Or you know, trying to find a place to live and everything with all this situation going on. So I was like, man, I need to get back to work. And my coworkers gratefully, you know they they're.
Speaker: They all witnessed, they were all there when everything went down. But basically when they said, hey, we're going to go skydiving, that was like one of the best choices I ever made. Because that was like a spiritual cleansing. No lie, no joke. But to lead up to what had happened was, I used to be at ER tech at a trauma hospital.
Speaker: I got a call overhead, you know, we got a code to GSW gunshot wound coming in in 15 minutes. So I was getting the room prepped up and everything, and I hear a lot of chaos and everything going on. And then one of the other guys, one of the other techs, um, he was working with me. He goes, Hey, I'll take this case. You go ahead and go on your lunch break.
Speaker: My man, I'm good. I'm like, I'm just going to knock this one out. No big deal. It was not a strong assist, but it was just like, it was so weird that he acted that way. And all of a sudden I hear the commercial. Hey, where's Brian? They're like, Oh, he's in trauma too. So then they go in trauma too. And it's like the paramedic goes, Hey, are you Brian? I'm like, yeah. Well, what's up? And he goes, uh, right before he got to tell me what was going on, they will, my brother and my brother got shot.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: is that was anybody else in the house with you that that lives with the U .S. like that's Kendrick
Speaker: Yeah, what do you mean?
Speaker: the the
Speaker: as much as I cried, but it's still like, like I held it together, making the phone calls, talking, cooperating with the police, cooperating with the cops, homicide, HFD, everybody. But it was just like, I'm sitting there like, what the, the whole time while I'm talking to them, like in my head, I got the like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck did we do? Why is this happening? Why did this happen to him? Why did, you know, I'm happy that my brother Eric survived, but I'm also sad now we lost Kendrick. Yeah.
Speaker: So it's like, how do you balance, how do you process that shit? You know, you got the positive and then you got the negative and then just overall, you know, and, and, and, um, so, you know, it, it takes a lot. And for a long while it took a long, it took a lot to grasp because it's like, I'm homeless now had to move all my shit out, put it in a storage, try to find a place to live.
Speaker: And that was excruciating there. And then I was living with some of the people I was couch hopping to the point where it's like, I can't do this. I can't be around people right now because it's like, everybody's coming at me and it's like, I didn't want to blow up anybody. Cause it was already, it was already enough pressure already at me, but it's like, Hey, I just need to go. And I, I stayed at like a, at a motel six for like three weeks. But, um,
Speaker: but you know, I mean, it's just, it's just how I handled it. And it's just like, I think I handled it pretty well, but I've always been used to like with football, football being like one of my, one of my training grounds of like my character buildup and then would shop auto shop. It was pretty much like, like I said, like my whole life basically to sum it up is controlled chaos. So, um, but yeah, it's, it's,
Speaker: it's still a lot, I'm a whole lot better than I was before, like the first two to three years, because it's still fresh. Yeah, it's still, I'm learning a lot about both of you guys tonight. Yeah, that's, that's fucking wild, man. It really is.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: this is going to be a multiple show thing. I think we're going to be doing this for the next few Mondays because I do want to, I want to continue to just dive into your world house. I want you to get this out there. I want you to continue to share because, and I want other, and I want other guys, you know, this is why I reached out to guys, you know, some of the guys that I know, you know, I, you know, Brian, you know, I knew Brian's been through some stuff and I know Brian has talked a little bit about, you know,
Speaker: I never knew that about you, Brian. And I'm sorry for your loss, man. That's, that's, that's terrible. And let alone having to go through everything after the fact, um, you know, losing somebody like that is, it's tough. And especially being that close to the situation. And I'm not saying that as somebody brought to my doorstep, my doorstep, and I've always been like the protector. It's my home. Yeah. And I, and it's like carrying that guilt. Like, man, I should have been home. I should have been home.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: I don't, I, you know, because a lot of people I know with the social climate going on and everything, I get it. But however, that they're not paying attention to those that why you have response people that are responsible with firearms, why we are so gung ho about the second amendment. Um, I've been around guns, my pretty much my entire life. I have owned guns for a good majority of my life. Um,
Speaker: My guns have never got up in the middle of the night and walked out of the house and went and shot anybody. I'm very grateful and I'm very thankful that I've never had to use my gun any other than shooting a tree or shooting a target. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. You know, but at the same time, you know, there's been instances in my life where I was actually just telling Nikki about one at one of our local bars. I just went up there.
Speaker: just get a couple beer or just have a beer too. And I was by myself, watched a little football and dude got Lippy with me. And I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up. Sit down. It's not even worth it. I don't even know what your freaking problem is. And I went back to mind my business and a couple of his friends came up. We were in the bar. They started getting Lippy. There was three of them, one of me. And I'm like, look, we can do this, but it ain't worth it at the end of the day. So I'm going to finish my beer. I'm going to pay my tab and I'm going to go home. You gentlemen, go ahead and continue to have a good night. Uh, I talked to my car and.
Speaker: Cause I was walking out to my car. They came out behind me. Three, two of the three had weapons and the other one confronted me and I stepped out of my car and I had my gun in my hand and I said, I don't pull this unless I used it unless I plan to kill. So we got two options. You can go back inside and enjoy the rest of your night or three of you are going home in body bags and I'm going to continue to live my life.
Speaker: and they walked back in the bar and I got my car and I and I went home and I don't want to be that guy. You know, I don't it's it's always me. I used to be that guy man like I I used to be that guy in my head II. I I was beat down physically and mentally enough to not defend myself but in my head, I was mentally there to **** kill you. You know that was but I will protect myself right. I mean like I mean as as far as
Speaker: after the move, the physical abuse over the years stopped. I think that at the age of 15, 15, 16, the actual physical abuse had completely just about stopped. I mean, I would randomly get smacked from time to time or sucker punched from time to time, but it cut down dramatically. But
Speaker: He realized I was getting, I was getting bigger. I mean, dude, I was, when I tell you I was big, I was big and I was muscle man. Because all I did was walk and lift weights and play football, man. That was it. So he realized I wasn't getting any bigger or any smaller, man. And he thought that one day that I was gonna finally fucking snap and I was gonna stomp him into the ground.
Speaker: So that's when that stopped. But to take its place, that's when the verbal and mental abuse came in. The last time that it really got physical, it got mental before it got physical at the same time. Natasha had just been born my oldest.
Speaker: She came over to visit. I was living at mom and them's house and whatever, you know, and, uh, I was doing some online classes and whatnot. I was not there to say bye to my, you know, four month old daughter at the time, you know, just want to say bye to her cause she was leaving. I didn't know when the next time I was going to get to see her was cause that's just the kind of mother she is. And he'd been.
Speaker: smoking crack and drinking beer that night before she come over and well he told me to get my pathetic worthless stupid sorry ass back in there and do my online courses and I looked at it I'm just gonna say bye to my kid and and and I'll go back and that started out and he I turned around man like I got in his face I was gonna deck him and I just kind of I kind of you know laid my peacock feathers back down and I went to turn away
Speaker: to go around him and the motherfucker, he caught me as I was turning to walk away from the side of my head, man, and goddamn wallop the shit out of me. I just, just over, that was the last time it got physical from then. It was nothing but pure fucking verbal mental beat downs. And it was to the point that at this time I was now 17 years old and I was a freshman again.
Speaker: while this was
Speaker: And, uh, at the bottom of our cards back in the day, while I was in school, we had a percentile, uh, basically a number of students in the school with their developmentally advancement and all this shit. But out of 255 people, my grade, I was the 250 something out of two. I was the very last one.
Speaker: That that was it. I did no homework. I put no foot put forth no effort in education at all and it got to the point that My guidance counselor at the time Pulled me into her office and she goes You're fixing to be 21 years old You're obviously Not gonna make it past where you are right now
Speaker: And she signed this piece of paper and she says, the best advice that I could give to you is to sign this piece of paper, drop out of school and not come back. Two educations that failed me. So after that, now the struggle's on.
Speaker: uh, didn't know what else to do. I was still being verbally abused. I was coerced, coerced, or however that is to going to a, uh, I'm gonna put it to you like this. I call it a Nazi concentration camp. Okay.
Speaker: uh but basically what it was was a school slash prison slash limited mobility prison slash you can go out and come back and have conjugal visit kind of prisons uh for troubled youth and I was there to get a career in education uh I I endured more fusical abuse hazing a gang man howdy uh why don't you sleep with one eye open for a year of my life
Speaker: Uh, so it didn't get better that way. So I quit that fucking place. I was like, no, no, no. So I joined the military and then I realized, well, fuck them, you know, whatever. I had no interest in that either. Oh, no, I'm good. So we fast forward a little bit, man. They, they really did. My parents never really wanted.
Speaker: anything to do with me after my brother was born, so to speak, uh, because all of this shit that I did, I did on my own, I had no help. I was like, I was there physically. I was there in human form, but instead of getting the help I needed, I was told how dumb and ignorant I was, et cetera, et cetera. And then, so I forced me into truck driving.
Speaker: And I was like, uh, okay, there's a bright side, man. Uh, but I had goals and that, you know, if I was going to do that, I had goals set out. Uh, my goals were not to die like I almost did. Uh, but my goal was to number one, yes.
Speaker: find people. I need to find people. I had it in my mind. I had, I had certain people I needed to find and I found all of those people. So, but it was a double edged sword. It was my getaway, but it was my double edged sword. It was the worst, absolute worst, worst decision I could have made in my life.
Speaker: You put a man that's got mental disabilities behind the wheel of a truck 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 360 days a year with nobody next to him but his thoughts and the windshield. It's very calm, very peaceful, but at the same time, it mentally fucks you. There was many instances I consider driving an 80 ,000 pound rig off of the Charleston Bridge up in Charleston, West Virginia.
Speaker: right there off of I -64. But my goals were to go back home. I went home. I went home six years ago, seven years ago. Now I was home. It was then I realized, because I wanted to know, find out what was wrong with me and I wasn't getting no help. And that was another reason I got in a driving truck. I needed to find people. I needed to find
Speaker: why this is going on and the one one of them was to go back home and find some people which I did my second one was to Find my sperm donor That was my goal for the longest time was to find him and that was my way of finding him and I found him I found him driving truck. I didn't physically find him in his city. No, I Found him when I got home And
Speaker: That's why my childhood is as confused as what it is because I know what I experienced and I have a guy I don't know if I want to believe or not that I know he give birth to me Or I mean I knew I come from him. I know without a doubt. Okay but Do I trust to do this has known about me this long and I was the one that had to put forth the effort to find the son of a bitch for one and Why the hell where was he, you know?
Speaker: And this was a lot of this. It's a twist to fucking web man of rental alienation, child abuse, mental abuse, all of that shit, man. And it's all childhood long. And it sucks, dude, because now it's still continuing.
Speaker: then it got to the point now, now I'm grown. They just never, after about 18 or after, you know, driving a truck, it was like, okay, okay. So you remember the movie Joe Dirt? This, I'm sorry, man. I got to make light of this because it's funny. I want to tell it because it's funny, but it's the best way I can, I can, uh,
Speaker: describe the feeling I When I grow truck I was out I was making money do I had more money than what I knew what the fuck to do with and that's no lie because it was just me but I I get home dude and the best way I can explain that is it's When Joe dirt finally grows up and finds his real parents What
Speaker: you know, and he expects, oh my god, they're gonna, they're gonna fucking miss me. They're gonna miss me there. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm out here making something for myself. They're gonna miss me, man. But no, I bust through that fucking door, man. And it's like, you know, like the, the Joe dirt parent reactions. We'll look at the guy. He's just fine. Look at him. You know, that,
Speaker: That began to open my eyes, bro. I don't know if you mentioned it earlier and I might have missed it, but how old were you when you're when your dad? I don't know why when your mom and dad split up or your dad walked away or anything. OK, OK, see now. Perfect.
Speaker: because I I can answer this question but I don't know if it's uh if if I can explain it away that people understand but II only I remember bits and pieces of my sperm donor II don't know if what was actually done to me uh by him was actually done or if if
Speaker: it was mom mentally manipulating to my head into what she wanted it to believe that it was. I do recollect one or two instances of actual physicality when it came to him. I was three years old.
Speaker: maybe from what I'm trying to understand, it was right before the right before mom left. I had discovered a pack of cigarettes when dad was taken asleep. You know, he was sleeping and I had a pack of dad cigarettes and I had this ashtray. I took him to the kitchen because dad was a smoker. Sperm donor was a smoker. So he always had his little glass antique ashtray with his cigarettes and he'd set them on the on the table right next to the stove. We had a gas powered stove.
Speaker: So one day while he was taking a nap, I was supposed to be taking a nap too, but now me, special needs me, decided he wanted to get sperm donors ashtray full of cigarettes, empty the ashtray into a frying pan, pretend like I'm cooking these cigarettes. And then I seen it smoke a little bit. So sperm donor always liked coffee. So I poured some coffee into it to keep the smoke down.
Speaker: Well, the house started smoking. He woke up and, well, I almost had burned the fucking house down playing with his cigarettes on a gas stove. That was probably the only, only time I ever remember being physically punished by him. But like I said, the man's been gone. I'm 38 this year. And I'll let you do the math. I was four years old when
Speaker: mom got with dad. And that whole story in itself was fucked up too, because I do remember certain instances. I've never met the guy, but I've talked to him. I physically know he is this, I have his phone number, I talked to him. And he is convinced that dad was
Speaker: Messing around with mom's mom and dad were high school sweethearts. They were fucking in high school And they met at a party when he was on a run from a strong arm fucking robbery in the state of California Jesus Yeah, yeah So, I mean I met the guy so I don't know if I want to believe him or not But there's a lot of shit that's not adding up and no reasons for this guy to lie to me You know
Speaker: So in that aspect, I don't know exactly. It kind of with me, it was poof sperm donors gone poof. Here's dad. And the only reason I ever call that man dad is because my mom came to me at her dad's cabin when I was right around that stage where you start to develop into your own person.
Speaker: Yeah, the completely vulnerable time for a toddler child and learn warping how they learn. Convinced me that this man was my dad and I needed to call him dad. But he would I will give him this. He was dad. Until his son was born. But now it's to the point now where now I'm grown. I've got my own family. Now now
Speaker: because of Brandi. Now, I'm starting to see a lot of stuff. You know, she's she's saying from the from Jump Street, dude. Um I she she not from the first time that I met or Brandi met my parents. She knew she had told me from day one. And I and I never, you know, I saw through it with that. I accepted the fact of what happened with that. I've accepted that.
Speaker: And then I got to saying the more and more 11 years of just, are you going to let her talk to you like that? Or, you know, she never had time for me, dude. Something would be bugging me. The response that I would get. Figure it out. I ain't got time for this. Hey, hey, mom. Hey, mom. Hey, mom. Hey, would you, would you care? You know, I gotta have this truck back at work.
Speaker: Uh, would you care to meet me at work, you know, and come pick me up and we swing by and, you know, we'll have some breakfast or something. I just want to spend time with you. You know, I don't get to spend much time with you because I'm raising my family. You know, Oh no, no, no. Uh, I'll send your brother, man. My brother's 900 plus pounds, bro.
Speaker: See shit like that man now and now quick it's it's not only affecting me because now my daughter I Got a daughter. I got two daughters, but my daughter's going through I've got a okay. I've got a daughter going through the exact same thing with her mother is the same thing that
Speaker: my mother up until recently has done to me. And I can't help her. I can't, I can't take anything away if I can't do what I'm telling her to do, which is what I'm doing now, just getting it all out. Exactly. So go ahead.
Speaker: Brian, I just want to ask you real quick because I know you touched on the fact that, you know, you lived in the hood and whatnot with your mom and everything like that. What is your relationship like with your mom these days? Oh, my mom, my mom, my mom is deceased. She died about 30 weeks to like three weeks to prior to my 18th birthday.
Speaker: Oh, okay. Oh wow. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Yeah. My mom lived by the bottle, died by the bottle. That's basically how my mom went. Yeah. She was like saying like, like I, when my, when my dad had enough of my mom's shit, I stayed with my dad because if I would have stayed in my mom, I would have been on the wayside. Yeah. At least one of my dad, it was better.
Speaker: but not like, you know, paradise and all that, but it was still, it was still, it was, I felt at that time, like when I was 14, that I was better off with my dad. It's a better situation. Maybe not necessarily a better environment. Because because my dad's working and at least it's something because my mom wasn't working.
Speaker: And if I was there, my mom, like, how would my mom like take care of us? You know, and then it's like, then I have my, my younger sister because like after, cause like my mom was such, my mom was such a nuisance. Um, when she went down her downward, downward spiral, because from what I can recall from hearing from my older brothers and then my brother's friends was like saying, my mom was cool as hell. And every year my dad would.
Speaker: work his way up to take so he could buy a flight for my mom to go visit her family in Thailand. I think what led up to her downward spiral was one year my dad couldn't afford the bill. He couldn't get her a ticket and my mom was depressed. And she was around some like some of her other Asian friends that were drinking and that's how she got wallowed into that little wormhole.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean She'd be out there every day taking my sister with her on a school night and I'd be at home and but it got to the point to where she was so bad to all of us and to the point that my brother like She kicked out my brother Sam because all my all my brother Sam want to do was play basketball And she's like, no, you're not going so he snuck out
Speaker: She found out, kicked him out of the house. Then everything, all the pressure fell down on my brother, Eric. She was hard on him. Like, like fucking drill sergeant and our brother couldn't handle it. So when he graduated in 92, he like, he, my dad like stalled my mom and my brother moved out. So all that got pushed down to me.
Speaker: And it, it was just, you know, it was rough and my mom being the way that she was. And, uh, yeah. Um, one night she had way too much, couldn't comprehend left from right and not from down and decided that to attack me. And I defended myself. Yeah. To the point where my sister called the cops thought like I was doing it intentionally. She was protecting my mom.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: And I was like 10, I was like 10, 15 miles away. And I just like was running and spent all night trying to get there on foot. And then I explained to him what happened. And then he was like, yeah, stay over here. Cause my mom don't know. My mom don't know where, where, where my, where my brother lives at and all that. So I was like, that's where I read. It's funny. Uh, now that I got brandy here, dude, uh,
Speaker: when this when shit really really really and this it it was to the point bro that I took notice to it and I I was that I was that one man like you would think that it was a munch housing by proxy shit but it really wasn't mom not munch housing syndrome by no means no uh but what's really fucked up and when things really took a crazy turn that opened my eyes up was the fact that I got a letter from Social Security Administration
Speaker: She never wanted me to find my sperm donor so I could find out what I was all about, why I'm the way I am. So me and Brandy, we exhausted years and years and years trying to find this guy. And spent all this money on those online, hey, background reports that you pay, hey, pay like $9 .99, you get a background report, where they live, address, phone number, you know, those, spent all the money on that shit, just trying to find him, man. And then one day out of the blue,
Speaker: several years later, I get a letter from the Social Security Administration. Mom had ended up telling me and my sister the whole time growing up until fucking this all come out that my sperm don't ever he just dipped out. He never we I left him. He never paid child support on you. I took him to child support court. He never paid child support. We never had a check. But the
Speaker: I was completely oblivious to this and I'm thinking, okay, so I get this letter and I open it up and it says, well, you, uh, based on our reports, uh, from 2000 and something to 2000 and whatever, it was, I was like 17 years old, uh, 17 or 18. And I got a, there was a check address to me through social security administration.
Speaker: But at that time there was some fake hoax shit going around. I was like, child, why is social security sending me money? Yeah, right. Threw the motherfucker away. I opened it up. I didn't rip it up. I opened it up, crinkled it up and threw the fucker away. Mom seen that in the trash and went and cashed almost a $8 ,000 check.
Speaker: that was sent on my sperm donor's behalf for a gap payment and I was required to pay that back because I benefited from it. So ever since and I didn't know none of this was going on mom had because the letters just happened to be going to her house for some reason.
Speaker: Uh, all these years later and she just throws them away, throws them away, it throws them away. So now I get one from the social security administration to my address saying that I owe him money because we had changed your address. That was when we first bought the house here. You know, because he changed his address from his parents' house. It all the time we came here when he changed it. So, and he did that plan to go to court and everything over that the judge actually felt sorry for him. He's like, man.
Speaker: You shouldn't have to be going through this. You did not benefit from that at all. And the judge dismissed the case. But yeah, they're trying to go after his mom for it and still denying it to this day. But back to where it got crazy. The only reason I knew is because they said they were taking me to court and I got a court notice. And they said we have this, this, this, and this highlighted in this, this, this, this, and this.
Speaker: is why we're coming after you for your money. So now they send it to me telling me what they're going to take me to court over. That's public record. I called them up. I said you have 30 minutes to get every piece of evidence that you have that you're going to use against me and I want a copy of it. We have the record still. I have I have. She's had sacred bank cards collecting my child support that he's been sending since I was a kid.
Speaker: She was using the child support money that she said that we weren't getting to drive us from Washington state to Tennessee and that's what me and my mom lived on. That they were using the child support money for their addiction, the crack in anything else they were doing at the top. Well, that's my eyes up and mom offered. No, she she just completely boxed up and she didn't speak to me for four months. Damn. So that was that was the thing.
Speaker: The reason I asked and Brian, I'm sorry, I didn't realize your mom passed away. Um, but I was curious because, you know, my mom passed away 14 years ago and, um, even outside of all the bad things in the negativity. And I knew that I knew, I knew who she was as a person. And so we still had a pretty decent relationship. Um,
Speaker: But the year before she passed away, we had had a big fight basically regarding my oldest daughter. I had become a dad. I had made a promise to myself way before even like kids were in the picture for me. I said, look, I never want my kids to go through what I went through. I'll never do the things that my parents did. My parents used each other or used us kids as pawns in their game.
Speaker: to get to get at each other. Like I never wanted that to, I never wanted that for my kids. My mom still lived in the hood and the ghetto and shitty areas and whatever. And yeah, I mean, she always wanted my daughter to come and spend the night. And it wasn't like, I never thought that my mom would ever do anything to hurt my daughter. It was just the area, the neighborhood. So we finally had to have a come to Jesus moment where it was like, she'll never spend the night with
Speaker: because of where you live and you choose not to better your situation. My mom was an addict. She did drink. When she was younger, she was a heavy drinker, but her vice of choice was prescription pills. And she had a doctor that she could go to and say, oh, my arm fell off.
Speaker: knowing damn well, you could see both of her arms and she would say, I would need this, this, this, and this. And the doctor would just be like, all right, whatever. And write to prescriptions. That was mom's vice was prescription pills. I think that's why I don't go to the doctor and why I don't take prescription pills because I'm terrified of that happening. Not that, not that it would ever happen, but it's in the back of my mind of if they prescribe me, Vicodin, all this shit, am I going to be fucking.
Speaker: doing hand jobs in the Walmart parking lot to get a Vicodin fix, you know, just biking and biking and don't do that. I'll just say like, it's just me. That's just in the back of my own craziness, you know, but like extreme pain, extreme, when I'm in extreme pain, when I had my injuries. Oh my God. Like it was my friend. Yeah. Like, so, you know, the lot was mine. Yeah. So.
Speaker: Like when I was in the hospital, man, they pumped me so full of fucking delighted man. It was great. I know all too well.
Speaker: You know, mom and I had a huge falling out about that. And I was like, look, I'm a dad now. I got to protect my daughter. I got to do what's in the best interest of, and I'm sorry, you know, I love you and I know you love her to death, but I cannot let her come over here and spend the night and sleep comfortably. So we had a huge fight about it. We didn't talk for almost, almost a year. My parents don't even want my kids around, bro. Nope. My parents don't want my kids around period. Well,
Speaker: And then I got a phone call almost a year later from my stepdad, which he's, he's a fucking worthless piece of shit anyways. God rest your soul. He just passed away last year. But, um, you know, he, uh, he wasn't, he called me and I was at work and I thought I was busy. I was, I was working on some HVAC or something. I don't know. I worked at LSU at the time.
Speaker: And I thought he said that bear bear died, which is my mom's dog. My mom had this monster dog and it was like her fucking baby. She loved this goddamn dog to death. That was like, I'll call him when I get done, whatever. So I called him and I was like, bear died. And he was like, what? And I said, your message said that bear bear died. You know, do you need help? Like burying him in the backyard? Like, like, what's going on? He said, no, your mom died. I was like, Oh shit. So, you know, she was already, she, she went in her sleep.
Speaker: She, um, she was a hypochondriac as well. So there was that issue that she had out at home nurse that would come visit and, and whatnot. He said that, uh, she took, um, took her meds. She might've taken more than she was supposed to and went to sleep and her heart just stopped while she was asleep. She went right now. So, you know, by the time I figured out all I got to do was go to the morgue, you know, and it was like, I was.
Speaker: I was sad, obviously, but I was also pissed because I didn't get the opportunity to say the things that I wanted to say when she was alive. You know, fucking more. And there's a corner beside me. And I didn't have one of his freezer because I punched him. He's like, I think I'm going to give you a minute to yourself. And I'm in the morgue fucking screaming at my mom's corpse.
Speaker: Just saying everything I ever wanted to say. Yeah. All the hurtful things, all the bad things, everything like that, all the, just all the questions. And I think the biggest thing I took from that was out of all the disappointments and all the let downs and all the good times or all the bad times or anything that we had together. I think the biggest thing I was most pissed off about was I didn't get to say goodbye.
Speaker: And that, you know, 14 years later, that still bothers me. But where I was kind of going with that question and going with that, with that conversation was, you know, pops and I never really had a very good relationship. Not that he was abusive towards me or anything like that. He did mentally fucked me up and he liked to gas like the hell out of me and stuff like that. But.
Speaker: I'd given up on that relationship just altogether in general. And it wasn't until my oldest daughter was born in my, my, my now ex -wife, she said, you know, you should really give him another chance. I was like, all right, you know, cool, cool. Let me try to end. And there was always that kind of tension there where we tried to build a relationship and there was definitely that unspoken tension between the two of us. We would have good times. We would hang out. And it all kind of came to a head last year.
Speaker: And they'd come over here to the apartment. It was the first time Nicki was here to visit for a weekend at, you know, we started dating. And him and I were drinking like we had done a million times before together. But for whatever reason, he kept like bowing up on me. And I'm like, what the fuck is your problem? No, I'm 6 '2". My pops is like 5 '7", something like that.
Speaker: He was like a buck 45. So when I'm 300 fucking pounds, six, two, I'm like, what the fuck is your deal, man? Stop blowing up on me. You're, you're 70 years older. How are you? Stop fucking blowing up on me. You know, you think you tell if you think you're tough. And then the conversation just completely sidetracked and I started unleashing on him and my stepmom, you know, all the shit they did when I was growing up, all the shit they continue to do, all the, just a fucked up shit, you know, and they just,
Speaker: kept fucking trying to skirt around it and whatever and I and I gave him an option and this is where I'm kind of getting to long way long long -winded version of it. I I told him I said, you know what? And this is me being nice. I said, you can walk out that door and we never have to speak each other. We don't we don't ever have to speak to each other again. I haven't spoke to that man since. But I'm going to tell you what right now, do I miss him? Hell yeah.
Speaker: I ain't calling me, I ain't texting him first, but I have felt way better than I have in a very long time after having that conversation with him. And it's almost with everything you're saying tonight, Haas, it's almost where it's like, you might be at the point where you have to just walk away from them and wash your hands and be done with it.
Speaker: January 1st to give you peace of mind and to get rid of that that level of toxicity in your life because like you said, they don't even want your kids around man. I had broken. Can I tell you something? You'd say I the I I've been struggling with this one for a little bit. Um
Speaker: This I've had my mind made up about this since December. December 20th of last year I've I've I've had this. I've been ready for this. Uh you remember just a few minutes ago that story telling you hey mom uh I need to take my truck back to work and would you care to you know? This is what I got.
Speaker: I'm exhausted. I killed 21 cows yesterday. I'm very tired. I'm exhausted. I just want to go home and I want to relax. All right, cool. I went to downtown Knoxville five days before Christmas by myself. I don't have a phone with my wife.
Speaker: getting their Christmas presents. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to go and get my family Christmas presents, and I wanted to spend time with my mom while I'd done it. Because my schedule is crazy. I've got four kids, and I got a job, and I got a family I got to run. It feels nice to just slow down and spend time with your mom. So I was like, all right, cool. Because that's been the excuse for a lot of things, and I just kind of let it. I know what to expect when I ask something like that.
Speaker: But what really broke me, what really made me just kind of jam on them brakes and put the car in reverse, so to speak, was the fact that at 1130 that night, it was a Saturday, 1130 that night, she texted me a picture of two pumpkin rolls and her drinking a bottle of Bailey mixed drink.
Speaker: And she said, yeah, I got one more to make. She was making three. I have one more to make because your dad wants one. So I got to make three of them. I'll probably be up till about 1 .30 or two o 'clock. That was 11 .30 at night. By then, my kids were in bed. Me and Brandi, we had just toked and we was getting ready to chill in bed myself. And I just kind of went, huh. And that was that. That was all I said. And Brandi said, what? I said, nothing. You know, it ain't nothing.
Speaker: Because in my mind, I already had made up, I was done. When I'm done, it's nothing. Don't worry about it, I put it out of my mind, I'm done. And I finally tell her, and I didn't even realize, I just handed her my phone and said, there you go. She goes, mother fuck.
Speaker: So it was written there where she said that I said this Christmas is the last time I'm done. I said I'm only going over there because I'm obligated to because there's already gifts at the house for my kids, even though they don't mean shit. Well, ma 'am, there's still gifts at that house for them kids. I'm not going to do them kids that way. Well, as I told I told my kids, I was like.
Speaker: You can still talk to grandpa. I'm not going to tell you, you can't talk to grandpa or papa. You can, you, you can text them. You can call him if he calls you, he texts you, you know, that's your decision to make. I made this decision that I needed to make for myself, you know, and through that, you know, unfortunately without me saying or doing anything, my kids are not dumb. They're not stupid. Exactly.
Speaker: you know, in the last year that he's going to treat them exactly how he treated me when I was growing up. And, you know, they're not going to, they're just, they're just, you know, they're just done. They're like, you know, it is what it is. It sucks. We, you know, we love Papo, but we're not going to, we're not going to count on him for anything. We're not going to rely on him for anything. And then, you know, um, but like I said, doing that, you know, I came back here that night and
Speaker: you know, you're talking about brandy. You know, you're having Randy by your side. This is the first **** woman I've ever had in my life that is actually truly given two **** in a **** about me. That's how with me. Um after they left, I busted my hands all up, dude. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm
Speaker: I embarrassed myself in front of her and she was right there, man. I expected her to be gone before I got up the next morning. She was still there the next morning and she didn't, she didn't beat me out for it. She was just there. And that, that, that meant the fucking world to me was the fact that she probably went and cried in silence without your knowledge. I was a mess that night. That's my fucking battle buddy, man.
Speaker: My thing with his parents, I made a promise that I would make sure that my children knew who they were. But when they became of an age that they decided they didn't want to go any longer, that's when my contact stopped. And I made a promise and I kept that promise. And when I myself seen the abuse happening to my husband, as an adult with children, it's kind of embarrassing.
Speaker: for him. So you have to add the humiliation to to the mix of abuse, which is not right. But then when you start seeing them put the same mental abuse into your children, that's when you've got to put a stop to it. And Robert's dad done that to Gracie, our youngest daughter, newly potty trained, she used a lot of
Speaker: toilet paper, clogged the toilet, and he just completely degraded her. So, he we ended up in the hospital with her because she refused to go to the bathroom because of him. Yeah. And I, I looked at her and I said, no more. I'm done. Misery loves company, my friend, and I don't want no more of that misery. This, this right here is it. My misery after this podcast gets off the air. My misery is done.
Speaker: uh, I'm going on, um, I'm doing my thing. Uh, and, and, and part of this new thing here, if you don't have my number, I guess you don't need to be in touch with me. You know, and that's, and that's that, I mean, I'm still going to be around, but I'm not, uh, I'm going to do you like you do me. And what really broke it too is a couple, just a couple of days ago, my kids was going to school, bro. And my dad, they passed my dad.
Speaker: And my, and my kids, my younger two, Gracie and Skylar, man, they're freaking out, rocking the whole fucking truck back and forth. Hey, there's grandpa, there's grandpa, there's grandpa, drove past me, sitting there flailing their arms. And he never did. They just drove straight on right the fuck ahead. So that's the treatment that a lot of people are going to get from this podcast on, man. And a lot of people is just going to, you look through me and mine.
Speaker: when me and mine move heaven and hell to keep your ass out of trouble. No, I'm gonna look through you like you look through me. You can watch me succeed from a distance and still be a miserable piece of shit that you are. Here's the thing. I think my aha moment in Rob's aha moment with his parents are completely different because I think when he had his aha moment with his dad is when his dad started treating her youngest, Skylar. You've seen pictures of Skylar.
Speaker: Anyway, scholar looks just like his daddy. So when I've seen his dad start talking to scholar the way that Robert was talked to when he was little, it's like, oh no, no, you got the wrong mama bear this time. Exactly. I'm done. I don't want to go over there anymore either. If I can, if I can get even more personal, uh,
Speaker: Up until rather here recently, when I say here recently, I mean, within the last 20 years, it was always me that was abused, but now there's, there's, there's this alleged, uh, it's kind of alleged, uh, at this point in time, see apparently my, my, my sister alleges essay on this guy.
Speaker: And I always played it off because I was it was that what is that? Abusers remorse, I guess, where you know that something bad happened, you know, but you refused to believe it because that that guy couldn't do something like that, even though he's beating the shit out of you. You know, I mean, kind of blinders on his blind to it. I'm not for sure, but I do kind of tend to believe that it goes a lot deeper than just me. And that didn't happen until the past 20 years.
Speaker: And that person, that SA acclamation came from my sister. But now that I've medicated, now that I'm on the right track, I've got my soldiers beside me, I'm finally seeing stuff clear now. And the one thing I'm starting to notice is that if he would, the shit that he did to me, what makes me think he wouldn't have done something like that to her. He may not have physically beat her like
Speaker: he did me, but doing what he allegedly done to her still causes the same thing up here. Exactly. No, I mean, and ultimately that's the thing. And to go back to what Brian said earlier, because this is a powerful, it's a powerful quote, man. Let go.
Speaker: Sometimes the only solution is to let go. No more overthinking, no more crying, no more headaches, exhale and keep your sanity, man. Brian was spot on with that right there. That was another reason I wanted to do it like this too, was because I knew I could wash my hands of the situation like I want to, because nobody, the ones that this is about, the ones that are here are the only ones that I wanted here on my end.
Speaker: I don't want no comments. You know, I don't want I don't want no. Well, I don't know. This isn't about you. This is about me. I don't care what you on the other side causing the **** has to say, you know, they don't have a choice but to listen. They can't talk back. They have to listen and then and then also to like I have this like saved on my phone and it will never be deleted but
Speaker: Also to what keeps me grounded in a sense is simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures, simple in actions and thoughts. You return to the source of being patient with both friends and enemies. You accord with the way things are compassionate towards yourself and you can reconcile all beings in the world.
Speaker: And then also to manifest your best the destinies into existence think pray act and then watch as the universe aligns itself with your ambitions I Really hope Julie isn't here because she says that all the time You don't listen to me and Julie my friend when we say stuff like that So hearing you two say that to him Thank you
Speaker: You know what? Someone else other than his law and honest to God. Another reason I'm doing this story is because it's it's not only affecting me. Now it's affecting my wife. I'm trying to educate my kids on what's wrong with me up here. Yeah, but not only is it affecting or scares them, you know, wife.
Speaker: But in a way it's affecting your kids, man. I mean, it may be not necessarily where, you know, it trickles down because kids can pick it. Yeah. Kids can pick up your tone. You're at your body language. They can set your energy. Yeah. I'm telling you now, I there, there's another story, man. There's a whole another story. My daughter's going through this man. I told you, my daughter's going through pretty much the same kind of thing. Yeah.
Speaker: Well, I've kind of come to a conclusion after tonight. And I think this is going to be a cool new venture for this show. And I want to speak specifically to our male audience. I think from now on, Monday nights are going to be the men's mental health show on Monday nights.
Speaker: And I would like to not necessarily always share our stories or anything like that, but house, I do want to invite you back on a Monday night. You can come back on Wednesday or Saturday if you'd like to for that matter, just to hang out and have fun. But on Mondays, I would like to dive back into more of your story because I knew this was going to be, we were not going to get to it all tonight, but I think, and I've been yelled at by a few different people that they want me to start doing.
Speaker: men's mental health and addressing it and being a part of the solution and being a part of the progress of allowing men to understand that it's okay to not be okay, to be cliche if you can, specifically to our male listeners, our male audience, and many of our friends out there, and I'm gonna reach out to some friends. And I would love to be able to do something like this moving forward on Mondays and having a panel
Speaker: of guys on here, whether we can talk about whatever, um, if we got a little Hoss, obviously I want to dive more into your world. You know, um, that's scary. I really want to bring focus to men's mental health, especially now, because I feel like as our platform grows or as we get bigger, you know, we might not have the.
Speaker: the YouTube or Twitch live views or the following on social media, but a lot of people listen to this podcast on back at some platforms. And if we can help one person, that's all that really matters, but it is really needs to be addressed on a more, um, piggyback off what you just said, man. If, if you feel a certain way, man, then it's probably not for you. Yeah.
Speaker: If you feel like what was going on here is just a pity sob story, then it's definitely not for you, bro. Just move on when you're ready. Come back and we will still have open arms for you. Yeah, no, I mean, nobody's looking for pity. Nobody's looking for something like that. Brian, I would like to personally extend an invite to you when you can make it on Mondays. You know, you are
Speaker: You are very well versed and very well spoken. I don't think anybody really fully gives you the credit you deserve on the shows that you're on. And especially when it comes to mental health issues, not just men's mental health, but mental health in general. Brian's right up there. He's very, he's very educated and very knowledgeable on it. So Brian, I'd like to extend an invite.
Speaker: to you on Mondays in general, because I think moving forward, this is what the Monday night show is going to be. Obviously we could mix in other conversation and stuff like that and have, you know, but I want to, I want to, I want to make a focal point, um, on men's mental health and I want us to create a platform where like costs, you know,
Speaker: Dude, I'm going to say it to you again. I got nothing but love for you. You know, I love you, brother. I'm so proud of you, man. Oh, man. You're so sweet, baby. I love me too. You know, when I met you 10 years ago to where you are today, I am. I'm very proud of you, man. I'm not the person that I want to be by any means.
Speaker: the the the
Speaker: the fifth
Speaker: will he's in Sasquatches are not the same. Keep it up. You're getting close to getting on the catapult and being deported back to Mexico. He's dealing with he's having an identity crisis. He can't decipher which ones to one one's a talking walking carpet and the other was just a carpet.
Speaker: I'm sorry. I'm going to shut up, bro. I'm I'm going to piss somebody off. So I'm not going to say it. No, but you said identity crisis. I was going to flame his ass. No, I bought this book like five years ago and I read it like three times, but it's really giving me a lot of clarity, too. And it's by Tim Tebow and it's called Know Who You Are, Live Like It Matters.
Speaker: And one of the things I had highlighted was it says failure is not final. And the key versus when you stumble in fall, you get back up. And if you take the wrong road, you turn around and go back. Jeremiah eight four. Mm hmm. Say what you say about him. I like him as a man. Oh, he's awesome. As a person.
Speaker: Yeah. Can you put that in the chat because I'm going to put that in the chat. I don't know how to do that. She's wanting to look at the book. I do want to wrap this up though because it's Monday night. Yeah, you need to wrap it up. If he doesn't, he's going to end up with another something like me and god damn the world can't handle to me. No, exactly. No, exactly. Well, it is Monday night and I start a new building tomorrow and but however, I do want to say and I know in Tony D, if you hear this and if you're
Speaker: regardless of what anybody thinks or what anybody says, I, I consider Tony a very near and dear friend. Um, you know, we've, we've had our ups and downs and stuff like this, but I, I say, I say a certain quote, I say a certain phrase that drives him crazy. So I'm going to get yelled at, but he hates when I say it is what it is.
Speaker: that **** when I say it. It is what it is. We better get on the phone. If it was it would be if it wasn't meant to be, you know, it wouldn't be or if it's it wouldn't be. But yeah, yeah. So, you know, life is life, man. We we we we learn, we grow, we we evolve. Sometimes we go through trials and tribulations. Sometimes we have trauma but
Speaker: Again, I go back to what Brian said earlier. They're not what happened to you. You are how you choose to handle it at the end of the day. Them past traumas and all that crap, they don't, they don't define you. Yeah, they don't. Cause I mean, for a long time, for years, I've carried that burden, that guilt. Like I've, I've always like, man, it's my fault. If I didn't do this, this would not have happened. If I would have stepped in, this would not have happened.
Speaker: But then in actuality, I was just a fucking kid. Yeah. I was supposed to know what, you know, at that time, you're still trying to figure out, is this the right way to tie your shoe? Do I put the twisty tie on or twist it and tuck it? Right. So, you know, so that that was that was the thing I had to come make peace with. It was just I was just a kid.
Speaker: And that's the other thing. I mean, yeah, I mean, and that's what Brandy is still teaching me, man. Like I'm, I'm teaching my kids like to survive, like I did. And, and it doesn't have to be that way. We don't, we don't have to, you know, we stood in the kitchen today and to watch him smile because he heard the laughter of our kids in the living room playing subway surfers together. This warmed my heart.
Speaker: because he wouldn't have done that before. He would have yelled at him for being too loud. So he's grown a lot and we have goals. We, we want to see our grandchildren when their children are adults. And I mean, we've got one that's three years away from 18. God damn tell me I'm old without telling me I'm old. Oh, they tell me every day I'm old. You still sing the Ninja Turtles theme song from time to time.
Speaker: Yes. But like me and the kids were talking and they're like, well, mommy, when we're older, can we come stay on out with you and daddy? And it's like, Oh yeah, me and daddy's going to take the girls' room when they move out and our bedroom is going to be turned into a room full of bunk beds. So there's plenty of room for everybody to stay out and hunt it at mom and dad or grandma and grandpa.
Speaker: You guys, you guys just said you got it. You got your oldest one is three years away from me in 18 and you feel old. My oldest one is three months away from being 19 months away from having to, I just turned 40. So 40 years because I was 43 last month.
Speaker: And so damn your old Brian, I, you know, as much as I like to say that I'm 22 and I tease Nikki about being a cougar, cause she's 43. I am 42. I just turned 42 in October. So, you know, but, uh, it is what it is, man. We, we, we, we get older, we grow up, we watch our kids grow up and hopefully, you know, we all want to be around to see our grandkids and, and, you know,
Speaker: We all strive to be a better version, no matter how good your parents was. I know some people out there had it pretty good growing up, you know, they come from a family who's hell today that, you know, they're grown and have kids of their own and their mom and dad are still married. But no matter how good you have it or how bad you have it, at the end of the day, we all strive to be a better version of our parents. That's something that I've, I've, I've, you know, and talking to people and getting to know people and everything like that.
Speaker: It's one common goal that we all have when we, when we become parents, we want to be better parents than our parents were. And I feel like I have 100 % done that. Uh, you know, as a father, I think I'm a pretty good dad. You know, I, I gotta say, you know, uh, almost two years ago, I got full custody of my kids. I have all three of them full time. Um,
Speaker: They were with their mom on the weekends, but they're with me Monday through Friday. Um, I have since, since we split up, I have 100 % financially supported my kids in every way I'm at, you know, shape or form. Um, because that's my job. I want to do it. I want to be there for my kids because I don't want my kids to go through what I went through. I don't want ever, I don't want them to ever want or need. So, you know,
Speaker: I'm proud of myself. And I, you know, do I question myself some days? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, do I look in the mirror and go? Oh, shut up, Brian. Do I look at, you know, could you be a better dad? Are you fucking up? Yeah. But in reality, in all honesty, I don't think I am. I think I'm doing a dance. You learn as you go. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, unfortunately.
Speaker: being a parent doesn't come with a, with an owner's manual. If I, let me, let me tell you, if I had a dollar for every fucking time that I come to my mom, because that guy hit me, she said, Oh, it's okay. He just doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know how, but now that I'm a parent of my own, but I need to say that because there's a lot of things that I don't know how to do.
Speaker: And one of those is raise my child the way that I was not raised. I mean, there's no excuse. I don't beat my kids because I don't understand how to raise them. We threaten our children with getting spankings. Yeah, I mean, like older brother Sam, I mean, like he has like his kids and when they were younger.
Speaker: Like he was going through a lot like a lot of stress from his job and everything And his wife and all and and and the kids So he called me up. He's like hey, man. I'm coming over. I'm like, oh Okay, and then you pick me up and he's like we're going to Galveston like, oh, okay and then we're just sitting there like because that's the thing that going to Galveston being being by the waves and hearing you know, the waves crash because rocks is therapeutic so we're having like this like
Speaker: heart to heart, come to Jesus, like him making peace with me and not making peace with him. Cause we were, we were like, I, there was like for a long time, I hated him. And one, one day like I like unleashed a fury and I like, I earned his respect. He's like, okay, I got it. Messing with you. Calm down. Yeah. So, but, um, but yeah, he was, he was just, I was letting him talk and you know, he was just talking about like,
Speaker: Decisions he couldn't made better things he could have did because he really wanted to be more of a dad with his first two kids from his first wife Like he was just like man. I went wrong there. I botched that one. I screwed this one up and then Then what his current was current wife and kids at that time. He's just like man He's like now I now I understand why mom and dad were so strict on this and I'm like really he goes Yeah, he's like the secret to parenting you treat your kids like inmates and they'll fall in line
Speaker: Like my dad was a disciplinarian too. I mean, like my dad would use the belt, like it'd be over his knee or over the foot post and we'll get the belt. But with my mom being that she's from a third world country, whatever was in arms reach. Yep. Yeah. So I guess I have my scars. I had a wonderful mother. My mom was great. She did have her moment. Um, there's still a dent in her door.
Speaker: the the the
Speaker: the southern one but don't fuck around bro I mean I mean like I mean that's why whenever I watch like these comedian like these Asian comedians and talk about their mom I laugh about it they're like
Speaker: That's really true. I'm like, yes, it is true. I Was like trust me. I was like So whenever I hear kids to go in they're like, oh man, I'm a mom this my mom I'm like to try having an Asian mother from a thorough country that has no fucks given as her life that that's her life motto I Miss my mom. I realized my mom almost seven years ago so it
Speaker: She was my rock. Like I lost my best friend with her. But the last thing that she wanted was me and my dad to have a good relationship. And my dad was also my abuser. So that was hard. That's very hard, but things have changed because my dad wanted to change. He went through four years of intense therapy and he's the completely different man today than what he was when I was a kid. And I'm very proud for that.
Speaker: the
Speaker: That's so stupid. Why'd you do that? Why'd you forget? You come home with this, you go to school with your bet, with your lunch, and you come back with no lunch. What do you do with the bag? I'm like, I don't know. And I'm like, really? Really? Are you that stupid? Yeah. That kind of reminds me of that chick and her old man on TikTok, man. That is so funny.
Speaker: America is married. They're like an Asian or something. I guess I don't want to be offensive and call her the wrong nationality, but like they do the exact same thing. Moon is the moon. Oh yeah. She's married to the white guy. Yeah. Yeah. Reminded me of just watching them on TikTok.
Speaker: Yeah, so that's what I'm just saying. Like, when people talk about their parents, I'm like, try having a psychotic Asian mother. They don't give a shit. I mean, I've had some good times with my mom, but it's just when she just went down the downward spiral of alcohol, that's when things like it flipped. I mean, I do remember she taught me how to make fried rice. She taught me how to make egg rolls. Taught me how to cut with a knife.
Speaker: my mom had like some badass like knife skills whatever she would chop up some shit when she's cut when she's in the kitchen like yeah she taught me like my knife skills I mean I do have good memories but you know it's just when she took a downward spiral that just kind of like consumed you know consumed about the good memories you know so that's what I said earlier she lived by the bottle died by the bottle and and like
Speaker: I was like prior to my mom, like I was the last one to see my mom alive, like two and a half weeks prior before, you know, before she died. And, uh, and like I saw it like somehow, I don't know how she found me, but I was, I was, I was in high school at the time. And I got a note saying, Hey, you know, your mom's at this address. She'll look to see you. So after school, I went, took the bus to get to her.
Speaker: and talked with her and I didn't, I didn't realize that she was, she was like being all apologetic to me and being, saying, you know, like, she was sorry and all this other stuff. And, um, but I did not know that she was sick and pretty much was dying because. Uh oh. Well, I don't know, Brian, you heard himself or?
Speaker: the the the
Speaker: And my mom was like a thick, like a thick, chubby woman. And then when I saw her, she was like real skinny. And she was like, Mommy, just try a new diet, you know, just like trying not to worry me. And I was 17, 17. I mean, she died November 9th. When I saw her, it was actually a week, a week. I saw her like, yeah, because I dislocated my elbow in November 2nd. And when I went to go see her, she freaked out because my arm was in the sling.
Speaker: I had an elbow, I had a splint. I was wearing a splint. She was freaking out about that. And, uh, but yeah, I mean, we, we talked for hours and everything, but I told her I got to go back home. You know, I was like, I don't want dad to freak out. And so she was like, okay, she goes, I just want to let you know, I love you and everything. I was like, I love you too. And then I come home from school and then my dad's on the phone. He's like, yeah, Brian just got home. I'll talk to him. And I'm like, what the hell? You know,
Speaker: And then my dad's like, Hey, uh, we need to talk. And like, I was sitting here going like, I was like, I swear I did my homework. You know, I'm thinking like he's talking to somebody from school. Yeah. And then, and then when my dad sat me down, he said, um, he just said, Hey, I just got the phone with, with Jack, which was one of my mom's acquaintances. And I guess who she was living with at the time. And he just said like, uh,
Speaker: my mom passed away like she was she died in the tub like just so she was just relaxing in the tub and just died so to be blow to take regardless of your relationship with them or yeah it's my mom it's that's my mom you know so so that was what it took me a while to figure out like that's why like when I went to go see her she was so apologetic to me she knew she was dying yeah she knew they never tell me
Speaker: but did not want to tell me. She was making the wins. Yeah. So, so I'm like, damn, that's what, that's what it was for. But it was hard when I told my older brother, Sam, because they left on bad terms. And even the same thing with my brother, Eric, they left on bad terms, but my brother was like, he already, he's, he's still numb to it. You know, cause he was just like, I, he's like,
Speaker: saw coming and he's like, what else you want me to do? Yeah. And so my older brother, though, like he didn't see my mom in forever. And when we told him what had happened. Man, he was like, I got a call from his watch goes. He has to come home. Can you track him down? I'm like, oh, shit. By the time I knew it, he was like. He was he had called me like a day later.
Speaker: And he goes, yeah, I'm all the way out. He goes, I'm over here by Texark and I'm just staying at a, at a rest stop. I'm just taking a nap at a rest stop and I'm just, I'm okay. Just trying to process everything. And I'm like, okay. Almost been trying to get ahold of you. And he's like, yeah, I know. But he's like, I just can't talk to nobody right now, but he goes, but I can only reach out to you. He's like, he goes out of anybody that would understand me. It's you because it's stuff. I mean, you know, that's a heavy blow to take regardless of
Speaker: you know, relationship or what has happened in the past or anything like that. Cause you know, that was one of the things like, you know, my mom and I, we, despite all the bad times and everything like that, we were, we were pretty close and we were pretty tight. And that, you know, when we had our fight and we didn't talk for a year, there were certain things that she still did. And, you know, she always called me on my birthday and I knew when she called me on my birthday, not to answer the phone.
Speaker: because if I answered the phone, I was going to get yielded because the purpose of her calling on my, now she would call me on my birthday at the time I was born to sing happy birthday, but she always left it in a voicemail. And then she would call me that day, you know, and we would talk for my birthday. Well, that year that we weren't talking, she still called me and she left me that and she signed happy birthday to me, but she didn't call me later that day. The other thing she always did was,
Speaker: day before the Ohio State Michigan game. And I still miss this. I mean, she's been gone for 14 years and I, I still miss this every birthday and every year before the Ohio State Michigan fan, because I'm a Michigan fan. She's diehard Ohio State fan. She's a Michigan fan. Yeah, I know. I know you guys know this about me, but I'm a Michigan fan.
Speaker: She would call me and I wasn't allowed to answer my phone because she wanted to leave a voicemail talking shit to me about Then we would talk that morning of the Ohio State Michigan game but that year after we had our fight She left me my birthday message and she called me to leave my message for the Michigan but we didn't talk either of those days and
Speaker: You know, because we were both, we're both stubborn and hard headed jackasses. No, that's one of the other things that still gets to me today that I can't ever, I can't listen to this song without balling my eyes out and crying like a little bitch. Uh, my mom was a huge Leonard Skinner fan. Unfortunately, I know that I was conceived to Leonard Skinner and I know what song it was in the back of my mind.
Speaker: because they felt like they needed to share that with me. However, that's not the song my mom would sing to me. My mom always sang to me since I was a baby with simple men. And to this day, I can't hear the song or think about the song without practically breaking down. Or if I hear the song, I do. It takes a lot for me to not, if I'm driving, I have to pull over because I'm fucking just start crying like a baby.
Speaker: And if I can, I usually, as much as I love the song and as much as the song means to me, if I hear it, I'm generally trying to change it as quick as I can. Or if it's in a movie or a show or something like that, I'm like, oh, well, fuck, I guess I can get up and walk out of the room. But then I look like a weirdo walking out of the room and, you know, in the middle of a movie or something like that. But it's just that that song still has that effect on me. And so, you know, it's kind of crazy regardless.
Speaker: of relationships or past transgressions, you know, with our parents, there's certain things that still hit us hard, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, um, yeah. Well, my, my friend Amber, who I really cared about. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta go. I go therapy in the morning.
Speaker: I said I was going to wrap this up 20 minutes ago. Yeah, that's what happens. That's right. Here's what happens when you say you're going to unwrap it and then 20 minutes later, you don't wrap it up. This is what happens right here. Well, Hoss, if you're okay with it, I'd invite you. I'd like to invite you back next Monday. You know, maybe we can dive in.
Speaker: into your world, if not, I mean, we can just have normal conversation. Obviously, uh, you go ahead and I will close this out, but, uh, go ahead and I know you gotta get up and I gotta get up in the morning too. So I said, I gotta wrap this some bit as well. I do appreciate you coming on here, man. It was really, it surely is an honor and a privilege that, I mean, you reached out to me. No idea, man. No idea. Come on here. So, I mean, and I'm proud of you, dude.
Speaker: I don't give a damn if anybody else says it and I don't know if it means anything, but I'm proud of you, man. Keep doing what you're doing. I like it. I listen guys. I, I, I've got to say one thing before I go, man. Just if you're still listening, you matter, man. Keep your head up. It's a storm. You'll, you'll, you'll get through it. Yeah. Just, uh, what, what I always tell people just go with that. Relax and breathe, relax and breathe. Yep.
Speaker: They all like Eric Draven once said on the crow, can't rain all the time. Eric. That's a great movie, man. I hope Jason Momoa doesn't ruin it. No, actually they're not doing Jason Momoa. Oh, they're not doing it now? That movie has been up and down and yeah, we're doing it. No, we're not doing it yet. Well, there's a YouTuber watch Snarky Jay. Apparently they are going to do a
Speaker: version of the crow, but more relative, similar to the original crow. Oh, nice. So they're not going to remake it or they're not going to remake it, but it's just kind of like the same kind of like the same principle of just like how greedy it was and just how. So it's in the works. I think they're going through the production right now, but she said like how she got, she got casted, but she plays a small role.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: We do appreciate you guys listening. We appreciate y 'all hanging out. Hopefully you guys enjoyed the show. Um, hopefully you guys are gonna, Brian, like I said, I do want to extend an offer to you. Uh, you know, if you can make it, um, I'd love to have you here on Monday nights, cause I think I'm going to turn Monday nights into, uh, like a men's mental, uh, focus on men's mental health. Um,
Speaker: We do enough of the horsing around and the dick jokes and fart jokes. I think it's cool if we make a show once a week, more of a serious show and address some issues that are out there because there's outside of just sharing stories and stuff like that. There's a lot of things out there. The men's suicide rate, the suicide rate for men under 25, the stigma itself wrapped up with
Speaker: Men don't wanna admit when they're dealing with depression or anxiety or social anxiety or anything like that. There's so many topics that we can cover. And like I said, I do think very highly of you. I think you're a very intelligent person and very knowledgeable, especially on this end of the spectrum when it comes to dealing with things. And I've learned quite a few things about you tonight that I had no idea. So you've kind of been through it, man.
Speaker: Yeah. Um, that, that's what I was like saying, like, it's just, but what I could sell my whole life is controlled chaos. Cause it's like, I never, I never lashed out at anybody like with all the stuff that I grew up through. Like I say, I grew up rough, lived in the hood painting, you know, my brothers would beat me up, fry their play, rather for play at a boredom or some girl rejected them. But they had a bad day at school. I was like, my brother's punching bag. So.
Speaker: But it's kind of funny though, when I started playing sports, lifted weights, now nobody don't want none. Funny how that works. It's funny. Cause I was the complete opposite. Like I was, you know, I got bullied when I was younger and then I realized I'm 12 years old. I'm six foot two. I'm 12 years old. I'm six foot two. I'm 200 pounds. I'm bigger than most grown men at 12. Yeah. How am I getting bullied? You know, I was complete opposite into the spectrum where I was a fighter.
Speaker: I fought people, you know, I fought with people. I went against people. I went against 12, 13, 14 years old. I was fighting grown ass men. Yeah. The one thing, the one thing I can't that I am, that I am very, very, very, very, very grateful for is football because like the coaches were like my dad's, you know, they're, they're like my second dad's and also too, it kept me on line.
Speaker: because you know how it's it's always motivational in sports so it's like um you know if i messed up but you know i'll be like what and then like they'll tell me where i messed up how i messed up and like okay okay it was just it was more it was more like the father -son relationship that that i really wanted versus like what my dad was but then when my dad and i had our had our heart to heart uh that was when i fully understood how my dad why my dad did what he did
Speaker: Mm hmm. Because he just says like, there's like, there's no how to parent manual. There's really not. And like I said, I got three of them. And every day is a new experience. And every day you I don't know if anybody out there or if you're a fan of Yellowstone, there was a scene in Yellowstone where Rip was like, Oh, I figure we'll just go up there and
Speaker: Yeah. So, I mean, it's just parenting, man. You're just **** winging. You hope for the best. Yeah. So, so, you know, cuz my cuz my dad was telling me how much of a his dad was hard on him cuz his dad was a, you know, like army sergeant and then my dad was a Air Force sergeant. So, so, the trickle down of like **** up and I'll whoop your **** kind of thing, you know?
Speaker: the the
Speaker: Most of the people that I've heard or that have felt my rage was not deserved, was not just. They had it come and they asked for it. I've always been anti -bullied. I don't like bullies. I don't like them. I don't like guys who think that they are big shit. But I've never started a fight. I've never, well, again,
Speaker: Most cases I've never done any physical harm to anybody that didn't have it coming or didn't deserve it. But, um, you know, that's, you know, that's how I, I express, you know, as my, my, my coach used to tell me all the time, click, there's a time and place for your rage and you'll know it. And then every time the whistle blew with the first start of the quarter, you click.
Speaker: the the
Speaker: I've never talked shit in my life. No, no, no. I mean, but you know how like on sports, you're always doing the trash talk on sports. It's a psychological game, but it was just like, you know, like they're, they will like talk so much trash. And it's like me, it was like myself and maybe seven other guys on our defense that we're, we're just quiet, you know, cause it's like,
Speaker: And because that was when that whole, that whole art of war, because like, even though they're, they're like talking to all that noise to you and you're just like looking at them, it frustrates them even more. It's like, but I, but you know, I mean, like football was, was a way to, was like my outlet, the physicality and everything, but
Speaker: Never talk trash because it was like, I always had in my life. Like if I did anything else, I would, I don't want my dad jumping off the bleachers and whooping my ass. That was the whole thing. So that's why I always kept it. But, um, but yeah, but that's the one thing I am grateful for is the structure and football, the mental toughness of football, how to endure the pain and, you know, how to, how to fight through.
Speaker: So that's what always stuck with me, and it stuck with my stamina. And even when I was out in the oil field for a while, all those guys would talk so much shit to me, but I never lashed out at any of them. And they're just like,
Speaker: man, we're calling this guy's all kinds of names, even ones I liked, you know, that I'll, that I'll kind of smile about. They're like, okay, we got him to smile. We got him to smile, but it was sometimes it's just, it's just about getting a reaction, man. Guys or people in general, they do things and say things just to get a reaction at the end of the day. You know, and unfortunately, you know, I've had to learn that look, you don't always have to react to people and I'm still not the greatest at it. You know, I still have my moments where.
Speaker: I just, it's like, why are you, why are you in my ear? Shut the fuck up. All right. Now, now, now let's go. Okay. All right. You keep talking. Now it's time for me to shirt back at the end of the day. Yeah. Cause it, cause it, that that's the thing like, like in the oil field, all the name calling, like the N word slurs, the derogatory that's elementary rookie level to them.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Oh, out there. Oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. You know, I've been a construction guy pretty much almost my entire life. So, you know, yeah, you know, the lifestyle. You hear everything. You hear everything under the damn sun on the house. It's just like, you know, he just said, yeah, yeah, they will call me something like and I'm too logical. I'm like, how the fuck does that even make sense?
Speaker: Random -ass unnecessary shit when we said on a job site or all I got all it's just like that don't even make no fucking sense. Yeah, but I Have the high I have those highs respect for those guys because you know, they're they're out there doing their thing They're doing up there for you know X amount of years because those guys are from small towns where you blink you pass it up You know at Walmart don't cover the bills
Speaker: So, um, so I have the highest respect. So when people talk about like fracking, I'm like, Nope, I'm not going to do that to them. They're my hammer bros. You know, even though like someone got along with some that I did not get along with, they didn't get along with me just because I'm from the city and they're from a small town. They think, Oh, well you think you're better than me. And that kind of mindset. Cause like the second company I worked for, like I didn't talk, like I just came just straight to work and
Speaker: And the guy, I was the guy, the kid, they had me set up with a kid that I had to follow. They're like, yeah, he's your, he's your mentor, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I got a fucking kid. I'm going to listen to a kid and all this stuff. And so I'm sitting there going like, I'm just not in my, you know, my, I'm just all body language. And then it went into like a two weeks later where this other guy, he came back in the oil field and, you know,
Speaker: He's everybody's getting along with him, but then he's sitting in the back with me in the back of the van and uh, and he goes You know, you've been quiet the whole time I've been here and you've been the other I talk with the other guys of the crew like you don't talk to them
Speaker: Do you know like any martial arts or anything? And I'm like, I just shrugged my shoulders. I'm like being nonverbal like, eh. And then he goes, he's like, do you plan on killing anybody? And then my kid, the kid, the mentor, and he goes, yeah, probably just me. And I said, and I would like this, I just went, yeah, you look a little tired. Take a nap. And he's like, the hell?
Speaker: He speaks. He speaks. Oh, my God. Got to shock him. Like I said, I will go for in this for real this time. I do. But I'm just like, oh, shit, I got to get up in six hours. I mean, six hours is a lot. But for me. But I do appreciate you coming on here tonight, man. Thank you for having me. Connor, thank you, Connor.
Speaker: And a huge shout out to, to, to, uh, Haas, you know, coming on and, and, and really open it up and, and Sharon, you know, I never knew this about the guy. I knew that he had a hard life and I knew that he came up, you know, rough. I mean, we all have, we, we all have our story. We all have our past. I just didn't know how bad it was for him. Um, so big props to Haas tonight coming on here and sharing his story and, you know, you and Connor, thank you guys for coming on here. You guys were complete strangers to him.
Speaker: And you guys came on here to be a part of the show, show some support, and to take part in the show. Like I said, I think this is gonna be an interesting new adventure in the show. Wherever evolving, ever changing in the show. I've been trying to figure out what the hell to do with Monday nights for a long time. I think this is gonna be good. And like I said, Brian, don't feel like you're obligated or anything like that.
Speaker: You know, I'd love to have you here on Monday nights, um, and continue this, this, uh, this new, um, venture, this, this new path on the show, you know, where we can take one night a week and, and kind of be serious and mix in still some fun and all that. I do want to leave the show with, with, with two things. And then Brian, you know, if you'd be so kind to, I love you too, man. I got another love for you. You know that I love you. I got two, I got, I got a song.
Speaker: It's going to kind of probably become the staple to the Monday night show just because the first time I heard this song, it hit me so hard. And probably for a lot of men out there that grew up in our generation, a lot of the older guys or even our fathers and our grandfathers that grew up with this mindset. Jay Pritchett played by Ed O 'Neill and Modern Family.
Speaker: Oh a scene that that that just he knew I let him show and it's very powerful um Brian if you'd like to if you can hang out yeah clip and then uh if you want to drop a quote on us before we go I have one lined up here um you know something I don't know inspiring or whatever um but if you want to drop something on us before we before we uh
Speaker: hit the button and kill the show, but I'm gonna go ahead and play the clip and then the song. The song is by Disturbed, by the way. Everybody knows who Disturbed is. And it's called A Reason to Fight. And I've specifically found a song with the lyrics. First time I heard this song, I was at, I think it was not Louder Than Life, but yeah, Louder Than Life, I believe. It's a rock festival in Louisville, Kentucky every year.
Speaker: And Dave Jamon came on stage and spoke a little bit about the struggles of men's mental health and where this song came from. He lost a very good friend of his because, unfortunately, his demons got the best of him. And I shit you not, just in the area I was standing in, there was probably 300 men crying, listening to Dave tell the story and then sing the song.
Speaker: And I know it wasn't just us 300. There was probably not very many dry eyes at this rock festival when they sang this song. And ever since then, it's become an important part of my life. And as far as music goes, it's become a very important song to me. So we'll go ahead and hit this Modern Family clip real quick, and then we'll play the song. I'm out.
Speaker: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football because I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men!
Speaker: His best friend, Tommy Ryan, lost half a finger in a sheet metal press, waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collarbone in a football game. There was dad up in the stands giving me the old be tough. So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary Jo Clumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 AM in the kitchen table. My old man's telling me, eat the sandwich and forget about her.
Speaker: I didn't even cry at his funeral, you believe that? The guy was my whole world, not a tear. Everybody looking at me like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had a know, right?
Speaker: The image in your eyes Reflecting the pain That has taken you I hear it in your voice So ridden with shame From what's ailing in I won't give up
Speaker: So don't give in You've fallen down but you can't rise again So don't give up When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin And it feels like it's a battle that you will never win When you're raking
Speaker: To fight Lost in your world of lies I find it so hard To believe in you
Speaker: Can it be real this time? Or just a part of this game That we're playing through? I wanna give up So don't give in You've fallen down But you will rise again I wanna give up
Speaker: You is ready to begin And it feels like it's a battle and you will never win When you're raking for the fire and begging for your send When there's nothing left inside There's still a reason to fight
Speaker: Look at me take control We're going to fight this war This is nothing worth dying for Are you ready to begin? This is a battle that we are gonna win
Speaker: When you're raking for the fire And I'm begging for your sense When there's nothing left inside There's still a reason When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin And it feels like it's a battle that he will never win
Speaker: When you're raking for the fire And I'm begging for your said When there's nothing left inside There's still a reason to fight
Speaker: Very powerful story right there speaks volumes on many levels Unfortunately a Lot of people have lost their fight with their demons Darkness Those you going through a struggle and going through the the battle right now just Trust me when I say and you know, I think Brian can vouch for this
Speaker: There's better days to come, and there is 100 % light at the end of the tunnel. It's gonna be a new venture for me, and it's gonna be hard, cuz you guys are gonna get to see a side of me that you're probably not used to seeing. But I think it's gonna be good, not only for those of us who are taking the show, being on the panel from week to week. But those of you who are out there may be listening.
Speaker: I dare put a challenge out there to the men. Check on your bros. Just send them a message once a week, every couple of weeks, whatever. Maybe it might be a friend you haven't talked to in a long time. Maybe it might be a guy you see every day and you do the normal routine once a week or once every other week or whatever, just drop a message.
Speaker: text, Snapchat, or in person. Just ask them, how you doing, bro? How you holding up? And I have to be better at that myself. I have to do a better job of reaching out to the guys that I consider friends, the guys that I care about and stuff like that. This is kind of my way of doing that, by changing the game once again and evolving into another layer of this show and doing this show.
Speaker: any of our listeners, our friends, specifically our friends, obviously, I've extended the offer to Brian to be basically my co -host moving forward for this venture. But any of our friends out there or any of the guys that would like to get in the chatters box or even come up on here with us and partake in the discussion, I strongly encourage that.
Speaker: Um, like I said, this is, this is a new, a new world for me. I don't know how, I don't know how Brian feels about it. Um, but, uh, I always pay it forward. So, you know, it's, it's all fun and games, but there comes a moment where.
Speaker: we have to grow, and this is part of our growing. With that being said, I do appreciate y 'all listening. I appreciate y 'all listening, and hopefully you guys enjoyed the show tonight. I don't know who's gonna see this, but from the deepest part of my heart, thank you for being my reason to survive. Thank you all. From Lynn, Washington to wherever you are, wherever y 'all are at, I love each and every one of you.
Speaker: Thank you for being here with me. But no, I do appreciate you guys listening. I appreciate you guys hanging out. Hopefully you enjoyed the show tonight. Wednesday night, we'll be back to our normal shenanigans. But in the meantime, like I said, look out for each other. Take care of each other. And it's okay to not be okay. Remember that. Brian, do you have anything you'd like to, any parting words or anything you'd like to leave the show with to me?
Speaker: Just overall, just what we have in the oil field, it was called a five by five. You run into a situation regardless, whatever the situation may be, five by five. Take five steps back, take five minutes to reassess and then re -engage. Just relax and breathe. I like that. With that being said, Gary Allen once had a song called
Speaker: Every storm runs out of rain. It was after his wife passed away. The chorus in that song is every storm runs, runs out of rain. Just like every night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away. Just like every storm runs, it runs out of rain. If you're going through it right now, it's not gonna last forever. It'll be all right. Trust me, you got people out here who are living proof.
Speaker: You got two guys right here right now and there was two other guys that were on the show right now that was on the show tonight that are living proof. Just gotta. Yeah, I mean, you know, we make our choices so good, so bad. The thing about it is, this is how we handle it. Exactly. Well, that being said, much love y 'all. Appreciate y 'all listening and we'll see you next time.
