Transcript
Speaker: My mother doesn't want me there. Not in a dramatic way, just she doesn't want me taking days off, sleeping in a chair at the hospital, being there overnight while she recovers.
Speaker: She would rather it be my stepfather or the housekeeper or, no just her handling it. And I said to her, i don't care. You're going to get me because I'm your best shot.
Speaker: And I need to explain that What I mean by that, because it's not arrogance, it's not obligation, and it's not even guilt. It's something much more specific.
Speaker: When you've known someone for almost 50 years, when you speak her language, sometimes literally Spanish, Spanglish, sometimes just the shorthand of a person who knows how your mother's mind works.
Speaker: When you can't decode what she means when she says something wrong or call something by the name she invented, or can't articulate what she actually needs. That's what I mean best shot.
Speaker: I'm not the best at everything, but I think I'm the only person on earth who is fluent in my mother. Today, what it means to be that person for someone you love, why showing up isn't burden, why the daily check-in isn't enmeshment, or maybe it is, but it's the kind that saves lives.
Speaker: And why I'm checking in today and I'll check in tomorrow and I'll check in from Alaska and when she meets me in an ICU, I'll be there. Stay with me.
Speaker: Welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino. I'm triple board certified psychiatrist and the aging parent coach. This is episode 68 and this one is about knowing someone so completely that you become indispensable.
Speaker: Standard disclaimer, stories are composites, nothing is medical advice. So part one, the daily check-in. I call my mother most days.
Speaker: Okay, every day. Not because she's aging or sick or needs supervision, just because that's how I love her. That's how I know what's happening in her life. That's the relationship we have.
Speaker: Some people would call that enmeshment. Maybe it is. But it's enmeshment with a 50-year foundation. I know her voice. I know when something is off, even when she's not saying it.
Speaker: I know how her mind works in ways that no one else does. My parents are fully independent. They drive, they manage everything. They don't need me, but they have me anyway.
Speaker: And I have them every day just checking in. that Look, this is not a caregiving situation. This is a relationship.
Speaker: So then what happens when crisis comes? Last year, my mother fell, broke her knee and had to have surgery. And then in recovery, things got complicated. Medical complications that I won't detail here because they're her story to tell.
Speaker: But she ended up confused, disoriented in an ICU, navigating something really hard. And I was there. She didn't want me there.
Speaker: She wanted my stepfather or the housekeeper or for it not just not be happening. But I was there anyway, because in that moment, with her confused and scared and trying to communicate what she needed, I was the only translator.
Speaker: When a nurse asked her a question and she answered something that didn't quite make sense, I knew what she meant most times. When she tried to describe a symptom and got the word wrong, I understood.
Speaker: When she called something by name that nobody in the hospital had ever heard before, the name she's called it for 40 years, i knew exactly what she was talking about.
Speaker: That's what i mean I mean by best shot. It's not that I'm the strongest or the most organized or the best problem solver. It's that I speak her language in a way no one else does.
Speaker: So what are the languages I speak? I speak English, english she speaks English, But she also speaks Spanish and sometimes Spanglish and sometimes the very specific dialect of how my mother names things.
Speaker: An example that's not medical, she has a way of calling things by the wrong word that makes perfect sense if you know her brain. I can track that shift.
Speaker: I know what she's really asking for. I know which questions she's actually trying to answer even at the words came out for a different question. When you've known someone for 50 years, you don't just know their language, you know their logic.
Speaker: You know how their mind skips and jumps and reassembles information. You know the shortcuts. In an ICU, that's not just nice to have, that's critical.
Speaker: So why do I show up even when they say don't? My mother didn't want me there overnight. She felt bad. She didn't want me taking days off. She didn't want to burden me.
Speaker: And quite frankly, I said, i don't care. You're going to get me. Because I'm your best shot at getting through this with someone who actually understands what you need. Not someone who loves you generically.
Speaker: Someone one who knows you specifically. Someone one who can sit with you when you're confused and decode what you're actually trying to say. Someone who can tell the doctor what matters and what's just the medication talking.
Speaker: Someone who speaks your language.
Speaker: That's not a burden I'm imposing. That's a gift I'm offering because I'm the only person in the world who could offer it in quite that way. My stepfather was there during the day. He's 70 something. He's got his own medical things.
Speaker: He did what he could. and That's wonderful. I did the other part that was necessary. Not because I'm more capable, because I'm irreplaceable in that specific way.
Speaker: Look, there's also the daily check-in even when I'm on trips.
Speaker: i went on alaska to I went to Alaska for a few days and I was somewhat unreachable. But you know what?
Speaker: I checked in every day. The daily check-in doesn't stop because I'm somewhere else. It changes shape. Maybe it's quieter, it gets looser.
Speaker: It doesn't disappear because that's how we are. And here's the thing nobody talks about is that constancy is not a burden, burden it's infrastructure.
Speaker: So when I came back from Alaska and the real life resumed, we just picked up. because the line between us never actually broke. And in September, my mother's playing surgery again, and we're both aware of it.
Speaker: We're both a little scared of the complications that happened last time. And we're both thinking about what we've learned. And I know exactly what I'll do. I'll be there, I'll speak her language. I'll be the decoder when she can't find the words because I'm her best shot at navigating that well.
Speaker: not out of obligation, out of the simple fact that we've built this 50 year relationship and it's deep enough that I know her.
Speaker: If you're the person your parent turns to when things get complicated, if you're the one who understands them in a way nobody else does, if you're the best shot at advocating for themselves, that's not a burden you have to carry.
Speaker: That's a relationship you get to have. The daily check-in, the understanding of their shorthand, the way they decode what they actually mean. That's not enmeshment that needs fixing.
Speaker: That's love that's deep enough to merit matter.
Speaker: Reply Care Plan for the Care Plan binder if you want to formalize the practical pieces. But the core piece, being the person who knows them, that's not something you can delegate.
Speaker: So as always, take care and reach out if you have any questions. Follow me on Instagram at theagingparentcoach.com. And I'm also TikTok.
Speaker: Take care.
