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Ep. 6: Sharon Lawton on Coping with Anxiety
156 Plays5 years ago
Okay, a lot of this episode is about managing exam stress, because that's where we were supposed to be at right now. I almost didn't publish this today, but as I was editing, I realised how much of what families coach Sharon Lawton said was helpful to me in coping with my anxieties over coronavirus.
It's still an episode about exam stress, but if you have worries about your own mental health as we go further into self-isolation, there's a lot of coping strategies in here that you might find useful.
I'll republish this as purely an exam stress episode once things are back to normal, and exams are able to resume!
You can find Sharon's brilliant daily tips on managing stress in families on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as on her coaching site Natural Flair Coaching.
Useful links from our chat
- Amy Cuddy's TED Talk on the effect of your body language
Thank you so much for listening! Subscribe now to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear all my new episodes. I'll be talking to some fabulous guests about difficult things that happened to them as teenagers - including losing a parent, becoming disabled, and being hospitalised with mental health problems - and how they overcame things to move on with their lives.
I'd love it if you'd rate and review the podcast on iTunes too - it would really help other people to find it. You can also find more from me on parenting teenagers on my blog Actually Mummy, and on Instagram and Twitter @iamhelenwills.
This episode is sponsored by Blue Microphones, who gave me the brilliant Yeticaster for the recording of the podcast.
For information on your data privacy please visit Podcast.co. Please note that I am not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice.
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Transcript
Anxiety and Uncertainty in the Time of Coronavirus
00:00:05
Speaker
How is everyone feeling right now? I'm guessing a lot of you are feeling quite anxious about the way things are looking at the moment with coronavirus. Especially if you're coming to terms with the fact that exams have just been cancelled. What next, right? It's a lot to come to terms with. Keep listening if that's you. Well, isn't it all of us?
00:00:32
Speaker
Welcome to a special edition of the Teenage Kicks podcast where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager. I'm Helen Wills and this episode was meant to be a special on exam stress with an expert on coping with worry and pressure. I very nearly didn't publish it today because I thought, well, no one needs to know how to deal with their exams anymore because they're not happening.
00:00:59
Speaker
But then, as I was editing the episode, I realised quite a lot of it was actually relevant to me right now in terms of dealing with the stress of what's happening in our lives due to the coronavirus. So here it is. Take from it what you need. If it helps, wherever you hear the word exam substitute coronavirus, I promise it will absolutely make sense. And it might give you some techniques to cope with your anxiety levels.
00:01:29
Speaker
I know mine were off the scale at one point this week but listening to Sharon's tips have really helped me put some things in perspective and to manage the things I can't control.
Managing Parental and Child Anxiety During Lockdowns
00:01:42
Speaker
Sharon, our expert, also has some pointers on how we as parents can avoid putting our own anxieties onto our children. I think that's going to be especially important right now while our kids are at home 24-7.
00:01:57
Speaker
Bear with us for the first five or six minutes of this recording. We had a bit of a blip with the microphone. I promise it gets better and it's totally worth it. Before we get started, I'd like to ask a favour. If you like the podcast, please would you head over to iTunes and rate and subscribe.
Podcast Sponsorship: Highlighting Blue Microphones
00:02:16
Speaker
I'd be thrilled if you'd leave a review too. It just helps to boost it in the charts so that other people can find it.
00:02:23
Speaker
This series is sponsored by Blue Microphones. If you're thinking of making a podcast or any kind of audio recording, their Yeti Caster mic is fantastic, especially for beginners like me. It's made recording and editing really simple and it makes me look like a professional when I'm on my travels with my guests. Have a look on blue-designs.co.uk Now let's hear from Sharon.
Meet Sharon: Family Coach and Anxiety Expert
00:02:54
Speaker
Sharon, tell me what you just told me. Tell me what you do. Okay, thanks, Alan.
00:03:01
Speaker
So as you say, I'm Sharon. I'm a parent and family's coach and I work predominantly with either parents on a one-to-one basis or I work with the whole family and also I work with young people as well. But the areas that I coach around is either parenting skills, building relationships within the family, things around emotional regulation, dealing with stress.
00:03:28
Speaker
family stress and young people dealing with the world and interacting with each other. So yeah, it's a communication breakdown, so a whole range of things, family lifestyle, really, getting the best out of life. And the reason, I should say, the reason I know you, Sharon, is because we came to you for a course that was offered by our local council. That's right, yeah, Hershey County Council. To talk about, because we were struggling, in fact, Jason and I both came, because we were struggling with
00:03:58
Speaker
anger in our daughter who I think at the time was around seven and she just had these terrible angry outbursts and then would end up in tears and dreadfully sorry and I had these beautiful notes that she wrote me afterwards. She doesn't do those anymore, she's 15 now. Maddie if you're listening, more notes please, I liked those.
00:04:22
Speaker
But you taught us a range of skills to, not to change her, but to change how we approach her when these situations happened. And it worked and we've not been about to see you since, but I've always remembered that. And so we're going to talk today. And again, I will mention my daughter here. We talked about what I'm recording in the series of interviews that I've done and some of the issues that people are talking about, which are so useful to people.
Teen Anxiety and Exam Challenges Amidst Coronavirus
00:04:52
Speaker
her parenting teenagers. But she said, mum, none of those are happening to me at the moment. So your podcast is not relevant as in point me listening to it. You always get honest feedback from your children. Yes, as if they will do you want to hear. And she said, the thing that's causing me the most trouble at the moment is exam stress. So she's in year 10. She's doing marks or they call it trial exams, but at school, they're calling it marks. Yeah.
00:05:17
Speaker
and she's already quite stressed. Now, our school prepared them, I think probably lots of them do really, really well for sitting exams. So marks in year 10, and I know there will be at least one more set of marks in year 11 before the actual GCSEs, but she gave me a whole bunch of questions that she had about how she should deal with the pressure of getting ready for these exams. And I also asked you guys on Instagram
00:05:46
Speaker
what you were worrying about or what your teenagers were worrying about if they're coming up to their GCSEs or they've done them in the past and had stress and they're ready to do A-levels now. So we're going to talk about some of those questions. Sharon, I think before we get into the nitty-gritty of it, I think one of the things, and this is a very timely thing, so it may not be relevant in a couple of years,
00:06:12
Speaker
People are really worried about coronavirus and what impact that's going to have on their exams even taking place. Do you know anything about
00:06:22
Speaker
What schools are likely to do with that? I think the problem is at the moment is that the information is changing from day to day. So what we know today may be completely different tomorrow. However, what I do know, and I do have a lot of friends who are teachers, A-levels and GCSEs, and also sort of my own son, my youngest son, 17, so he's doing his A-levels at the moment.
00:06:45
Speaker
is that teachers are telling young people to make sure they're taking everything home just in case the schools get locked down so they've got everything at home and teachers are working extremely hard to make sure that they're putting stuff on upon the equivalent of Google Classroom for example you know whatever your school particularly uses.
00:07:05
Speaker
So they are working very hard to make sure that they support young people through these really tricky times. It's an added pressure that they don't need. Well, actually, when your biggest worry is getting through your exams and now you don't even know what will happen with your exams or who's going to get ill or where this virus will take us, all suggestion seems to be that the teenagers will be mildly affected by this.
00:07:30
Speaker
in terms of the illness itself, that people are naturally and understandably quite nervous about it. I think it's important that young people just sort of concentrate on what they can control rather than worrying about what they can't control and feel reassured that schools, educators are doing everything in their power to ensure that this doesn't impact on them
00:07:58
Speaker
as, you know, potentially they might worry that it would. And also, you know, the exam boards as well are no doubt, I'm sure, thinking about contingencies, thinking about possibly what they can do. So I think it's about, okay, that's what we can't control. Let's think about what
Focusing on Controllable Aspects During Pandemic
00:08:17
Speaker
we can control. That's such a good point about control. And it's one that I've used with my kids all the time. Can you actually do anything about this today?
00:08:25
Speaker
And if you can do it and if you can't, then try as hard as it is, try to compartmentalize that elsewhere for now and work on doing things that will make you feel better about what you can handle right now.
00:08:40
Speaker
presumably, as you say, making sure you've got all your equipment and your needs, and doing your work, assuming that those exams will happen. Absolutely. Because they will. Yes, they will, absolutely. And also making sure you've got your login to your online classroom, or whatever it is, so making sure that still works, you know, while you're doing that. I know our school are looking at being able to teach lessons to all the years, but of course they're prioritising the years that I've got exams. Makes sense. Yeah. Okay, so...
00:09:10
Speaker
Kids in general have a bit of anxiety, otherwise there wouldn't be jobs for people like you, Sharon. Is it true that teenagers, and again, this is a general question before you get stuck into exams, is it true that teenagers have more anxiety generally than most people? That's how it feels to me. Really interesting question, isn't it? And I was going to sort of take it back a step and sort of just sort of mention very briefly the whole anxiety thing.
00:09:39
Speaker
Okay so Sharon we were just talking about the language we use around young people and anxiety and I'm doing that inverted commas. Yeah absolutely and so yeah so I was just saying really that it's important we talk about mental health and we raise the whole sort of mental health and well-being discussions
00:09:58
Speaker
But the problem is now that I think some of the language that we use disempowers young people. And the way that it disempowers them is if we turn around and say, either I don't want to be anxious or let's get rid of your anxiety. Actually, it's a really unhelpful thing to be saying because anxiety is part of our natural human survival kit. Right. So we need anxiety means a little bit of anxiety because it's appropriate to feel a little bit anxious before an exam. Yeah.
00:10:27
Speaker
It's about learning how to get it to work for you rather than against you. So I talk to young people about being the boss of their brain rather than their brain being the boss of them. So if we can get our anxiety to work for us, that's great because we feel a little bit, well, it's like a call to action. Our body's sort of on slight alerts and we work harder and smarter.
00:10:49
Speaker
But if we allow it to take over, actually then it's sort of like a little bit of a dictator and we feel disempowered and then we're not able to perform at our best. So yes, we need a little bit of anxiety, but we want it to work for us rather than against us. So how?
Pre-Exam Anxiety: Practical Tips and Preparations
00:11:04
Speaker
How do we control all that?
00:11:06
Speaker
Are we going to get into that in the questions that we've talked about? Yeah, I think we probably sort of cover it as we go through. Let's get cracking then. Okay, so one of the questions that I had was from a mum who wanted to know what advice you could give for somebody on the morning of an exam or the night before. So she said her teenager gets anxious around exams, her mind goes blank. Oh my God, I've had that.
00:11:36
Speaker
As soon as she walks into the exam hall, her mind goes blank. And so then there's a panic and she's doing array levels this year. So any tips that you've got for that one? So it may or may not be helpful to know that that is a really common thing that I coach on with young people around exam stress and exam anxiety. And basically what happens is,
00:11:56
Speaker
Our brain codes information, sorry, codes an experience depending on how that experience was for us. So, for example, if we have an experience that was an enjoyable, positive experience, it codes it with a hormone and it files it away as a positive experience. If we have a scary experience, a frightening experience, a negative experience, it codes it with something else that codes it with cortisol and adrenaline and it files it away. And the reason why it does that
00:12:26
Speaker
is so that when we experience something similar again, our brain checks its memory bank and says, okay, how do we need to respond to it? Is this a threat or is this something we don't need to worry about? And so then the brain can send the messages accordingly.
00:12:43
Speaker
So if we have had an experience maybe around an exam that was a little bit sort of worrying, maybe we went into flight freeze, et cetera, then it will code it negatively. And so it sounds like this young person's parent is explaining that the brain has coded quite a lot of experiences around going into exam halls as a negative experience.
00:13:09
Speaker
So the great thing about the brain is particularly where teenagers is, it's developing and changing all of the time so we can reroute and recode experiences now. So what happens is when we are in that situation where we are over anxious or worried, the brain sees that as a threat and
00:13:28
Speaker
puts us into what I said was fight-a-flight-frames. That starts to shut down the thinking mechanisms. So what can we do? That's the science. Let's not spend too much time on that. This is so good. I've got a science podcast on you on how the brain works. How the brain works is amazing. We want you to get some practical stuff. It makes total sense though, because if your brain is saying this is a panic situation,
00:13:49
Speaker
then you don't need to think about maths. You don't need to think about moving your legs. Exactly. And the brain says, right, I need to go into survival mode. Yeah. And that's not about using our rational thinking brain. That's about using, you know, the survival brain, you know, the limbic system and where all our feelings and emotions are. So for this young person and for anybody out there really who's thinking, yeah, I can absolutely identify with that.
00:14:15
Speaker
And so it does start the night before. So I'm going to sort of like go through the whole thing. So if we see something as a threat, we're more likely to look at it negatively. So the sort of the swirly tummy and all of that type of thing that we get, which feels really horrible. But actually, if you think about it, it's very similar to the sort of things we get when we're excited.
00:14:37
Speaker
the tummy still goes twirly and we still get heart palpitations so if we can start to reframe actually rather than oh I feel really really worried actually these are excited feelings and I need to feel a little bit like that to be able to perform at my best think athletes think musicians think you know actors they all get hold of their nerves
00:14:58
Speaker
and shift it into something that's gonna work for them. So think about it as, right, I'm really excited my body is getting prepared. What can I do the night before? Right, okay. So sleep is really important, and I'm sure Will gets to that later on as well. And really hard when you're feeling like that. It is really hard. But the body needs, we need good sleep to be able to recall that information. Because if you're feeling groggy, it's really hard, isn't it, to think about basic stuff. To concentrate, yeah.
00:15:27
Speaker
let alone recall information that has been stored deep into one of the way banks. So cramming the night before, no, no, no. Right, really? Yeah. That's what I used to do. Who's taken a flask of coffee to bed with me? Oh gosh, and that's another no, no. And my mum and dad would go to bed and they wouldn't know that I was up. I made myself really ill actually. Both times I was seriously ill afterwards. It's interesting, isn't it? You know, sort of like we think
00:15:52
Speaker
We do what we think is the best thing to do at the time, but actually we have to be focusing on how prepared we are. So looking at right, okay, so I've done what I need to do. Cramming the night before is not going to actually
00:16:05
Speaker
help me. In fact, if anything, I'm going to go to bed tired or worried about something, then I'm not going to get a good night's sleep. So two hours before your normal bedtime, you know, I'm not saying don't revise the day before, but completely distract the brain, do something enjoyable, start to relax, maybe have a nice warm bath.
00:16:29
Speaker
Have a warm drink, maybe a milky one, but nothing with caffeine in it or high energy drinks. Something that's gonna sort of get the heightened state of awareness.
00:16:40
Speaker
read a relaxing book, put on some nice relaxing music, so get yourself into a state of calm. Maybe put a little, you know, a pad and pencil beside the bed, because if we, you know, if we're worried about something or we think, oh, I just remember that, you can write it down. It's a great strategy actually. Because then it's gone out of your head and you can sleep. So important. So a good night's sleep is really important and making sure on the lead up to that, we've also eaten well,
00:17:06
Speaker
got outside, done some exercise, you know, just so that we've, we're focusing on our wellbeing, basically. So that's the first thing. The next morning, really, really important that we have a good breakfast. So again, routines are really important. I would probably suggest
00:17:26
Speaker
either having the curtains part open or fully open when you go to bed, depending on what the light is like outside of the bedroom. If you've got a street light shining in, that's not going to be good. But the reason why I say that is our natural body clock is really important. It's really difficult to get ourselves feeling alert if we're getting ready in the dark.
00:17:46
Speaker
So we've got to listen to our natural body clock. So even if we've got a little bit of light or a lot of light in the bedroom, we wake up, our natural body clock starts to kick in, get up a little bit earlier. Do you remember the old saying, I think it was among sales people really, if you're on time, you're late. Right, because that adds to the anxiety. It adds to the stress.
00:18:11
Speaker
make sure you have a nice, healthy breakfast. You know, the tendency is about skipping that meal because we feel a little bit sort of worried or a bit sick. Have something with some slow-release carbohydrates in it. So a decent cereal, awesome toast. I used to cook both of my boys, you know, something in the morning, scrambled egg on toast or something. And it was non-negotiable. They had to eat something before they left. Because our brain needs to be fed. It needs fuel. I mean, we wouldn't go out, you and I,
00:18:40
Speaker
in our car with the petrol empty, would we? We top it up. So that's what our brain needs, sleep and a good breakfast in the morning for it to fuel that information. It's fine. I'm just going to pause. So what if you've done a little, you've tried to do all this, but what if you're me?
00:19:06
Speaker
as a teenager. I was the person that couldn't sleep because I couldn't, you know, I could have the bath and I still do it now. Have a nice bath, Helen, it'll relax you. I sit in the bath and because I'm not doing anything, everything's running through my mind. What do you, what do you, that person who is always on alert and is victim to all of that
00:19:32
Speaker
kind of negativity and can't empty their brain and can't become what do you say to them how do they cope in the moment so as a coach we're always looking for
00:19:44
Speaker
what we work towards rather than what we can't control. So when I'm working with young people, I get them to really think about the words that they use. So the way that we talk about ourselves in a particular situation tells us a lot about the perception of that situation. So we need to be thinking about that sort of like positive language. And if we hear ourselves going into that negative thoughts to tell ourselves to stop or going into negative language.
00:20:12
Speaker
So, words like, so if you don't mind me reflecting back. Absolutely, this is free coaching for me. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to be able to relax and put that finally. Come on, bring it on. So, words like, I'm never going to learn this, I'm never going to remember it, victim, can't.
00:20:29
Speaker
You know, it's always me that is going, you know, that type of thing. So I would be working with young people to get them to write down and notice, because we have to bring attention to the stuff that's not helping us before we can change it. I don't know if you've ever noticed. Sometimes people say, oh, all we have to do is think positively and everything will be okay. It's not that easy, is it? It's not. And the reason why is that we have to notice the things that are unhelpful before we can change it. Okay.
00:20:58
Speaker
We have to bring our self-awareness to our unhelpful habits. So start to notice the way that you talk about your podcast listeners. Start to notice what you model and what your young people do around the way that they talk about stuff. So always, never, should, ought. To me, they're what I call hot words. They're quite disempowering.
Positive Influences and Stress Management Techniques
00:21:21
Speaker
So what can I do?
00:21:22
Speaker
Right, I've done all my preparation. I've worked really hard up to this point in time. What one thing can I do right now that can help me to feel better? So quite sort of open questions can be really, really helpful. And making sure that we've been talking about the night before and the day of the exam, that it's not just the night before. So getting to a routine now of having a good night's sleep,
00:21:52
Speaker
Noticing, you know, having a good revision plan and structure, which we'll speak about. And eating well, exercising, getting out into the fresh air, so that you've actually got a really good routine built up, so it's not right at the end. And we said don't cram, but also have a really good routine already. So it's part of your revision plan is to be thinking
00:22:16
Speaker
well, talking positively and having a really good routine. And doing the things that are useful so that you can almost, this is the sense I'm getting is that if I've done all of that, I've then got really good things that I can remind myself that I've done. Absolutely. I'm healthy, I've been eating well.
00:22:37
Speaker
I've concentrated on my sleep, I've done all my work. This is going to be okay. I'm ready for this. Absolutely. And one other thing about the morning is be aware who you surround yourself with. This is a question that I wanted to ask further on. Let's ask it now.
00:22:56
Speaker
My daughter mentioned that, especially the girls, they tend to really psych each other up over. For one, their results when they get them. Yeah. But also, oh, my God, I don't know anything and I haven't revised enough. And oh, my God, have you have you got the answer to that? Well, if they ask me that, I'm never going to be able to do it. Oh, no, me neither. There's a lot of that. And it took me right back to standing outside that gym hall in my school.
00:23:24
Speaker
so many years ago, I could feel the anxiety of that where we were all in a huddle going, oh, this is going to be awful. How do we deal with that? Okay. So feelings and emotions are contagious. Yes. And that goes for parents out there. Your stress can actually impact your young person's stress as well. One of the questions I got was actually, I'm more stressed than he is.
00:23:49
Speaker
How should I be dealing with that? So let's come to that in a minute. So let's start with young people. Yes, moods are contagious. You become who you surround yourself with. So even before the exams, even before the revision,
00:24:08
Speaker
Who do you surround yourself with? Because we become like that. Unfortunately, we lower ourselves to the common denominator, unfortunately. And I go in and ask in schools to do motivational speakers. I say to young people, the people that you're surrounding yourself with are the people that are raising you up, that are supporting you, or are they the type of people that go, oh, now we're on Xbox tonight, we're not doing any revision.
00:24:33
Speaker
because actually at the end of the day when you're going for your interviews either for an apprenticeship or for a university and beyond and you've got that that results in your hand you are not going to be able to cut anything with a potential employer by saying
00:24:50
Speaker
Well, I was going to get an A, or that's what they predicted me, or a B, or even a C, you know, whatever it is. But I got a D, or it, well actually it's numbers now, isn't it? It just shows it. I know, I get with a program, Sharon.
00:25:06
Speaker
But let's talk in old speak. I've got the D because all of my friends were on Xbox and it was fear of missing out. Actually no, let's really think about that. So you become who you surround yourself with.
00:25:22
Speaker
Think about on the morning, if you know that you've got friends who, and let's face it, we've all got friends that love a drama. Yes, yeah. Is that going to help you to feel more empowered in your exam? Yeah. Or help you to contribute to your stress? Yeah. Now, as difficult as it is, and I get it, do you know what? We have to be a little bit more thinking about ourselves on that morning. Yes.
00:25:48
Speaker
Focus on and surround yourself or stand with people who are a little bit more positive and inspiring, or just distance yourself. I was going to say, is it sensible just to just be in your own bubble and take yourself off somewhere? I often say to young people, do you know what? And I teach them breathing techniques because breathing is really important, calm breathing, just to keep us in the moment and slow down our heart rate, make sure that we're in our thinking brain and not in our emotional brain.
00:26:18
Speaker
plug yourself in maybe if you're allowed to do that on your way to school in the morning listen to some relaxing or empowering podcasts or relaxing music that makes you happy and maybe distance yourself and certainly when you're standing outside that exam room
00:26:37
Speaker
Look up. There's a great Ted talk called, it's by Amy Cuddy, and she talks about the power pose and how we shift our bodies depending on our mood. So not only think about the quality of your thoughts, think about your body language because your body language is communicating to your brain how you're feeling.
00:26:59
Speaker
So if we're nervous and I'm doing it now and your listeners can't see, but we tend to sort of like our shoulders come down and we look down. When we look down, that reinforces into our brain that we're feeling negatively. Whereas if we stand up and our shoulders back and we take calm breaths and we say to ourselves, I am prepared and I am ready.
00:27:23
Speaker
actually that is going to be a much more empowering emotional state to go into that exam in. So distance yourself from those drama kings and queens. Think about
00:27:33
Speaker
what do I want? Do I want to feel calm going into my exam or do I want to feel stressed? Yeah and so that's a truth then because you know you hear people say if you feel sad then smile because it actually eventually makes your body feel happier. Absolutely. That's actually true because I can see lots of teenagers rolling their eyes and going that makes no sense.
00:27:57
Speaker
with one load of woo-woo rubbish. But that's an actual proof of fact. It really is. And in fact, if I had a group of teenagers with me now, I would be actually doing sort of like a little exercise with them. Look, you're sitting back now and we'd feel better. Shoulders down. Shoulders down. Head up, you know, smiling. And if you did that and you said out loud, well, have a go, Helen.
00:28:21
Speaker
So sit up as if you're feeling really energised and positive and all of that. And then say out loud, I feel really nervous and stressed. I feel so nervous and really stressed. And do you sort of believe that? Well my shoulders have tense and I am thinking about the things that could go wrong with this recording.
00:28:45
Speaker
I was kind of trying not to laugh while I was saying it because actually I feel quite good. Yeah, absolutely. If you sort of shrink down in your chair now as if you were really worried and depressed and... I don't know what, already doing it, I feel quite stressed. I can feel all these muscles. It's like a muscle memory. My shoulders go into a tight crunch. And we connect into a time when we felt like that. Then if you were in that body language condition and you said,
00:29:10
Speaker
I feel really energized and raring to go. Your unconscious brain will be going, well, hold on a minute. That's not the message I'm getting from the body. So what we say matters, how we hold our body matters. So lift your head up.
00:29:25
Speaker
Standing a positive body pose. Give yourself a positive mantra to say in the morning, you know, I'm ready, you know, I'm alert, you know, whatever it might be. I'm well prepared. I'm well prepared. I'm good at this subject. I'm calm. I can do my best now. I'm prepared as I need to be or whatever. And some nice calming breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth four or five times before you get in that exam room. And when you're sitting at the exam desk, again, don't slouch.
00:29:54
Speaker
sit upright. All these little things really make a difference. Yeah. They really, really do. Really good point. And actually knowing that horrible feeling that I still remember to this day.
00:30:07
Speaker
I also know that once that paper is on, once they say yes you can go and you turn the first page, you maybe have a moment or two of confusion while your head gets itself into the right zone and then you're in it. Yes, absolutely. It all comes back. Everything you learn comes flooding back. It's magic. But there's a couple of little tips there as well really to be honest.
00:30:31
Speaker
As I said about concentrate on yourself, not the people around you when you're standing outside the exam room. Do the same. Don't stop looking around the room. Concentrate. I can remember it, looking around the room. But concentrate right. This is about me, not about anybody else. Be selfish at that point. Don't even pick up a pen. Just read the exam questions. And the teachers are really good at emphasizing this. Read the exam question before you pick up the pen.
00:30:59
Speaker
maybe even read through the paper first because the last thing you want to do is look at the first question and think oh my god i can't answer that question yeah you know but if you read through the whole exam first yes to get a bit of an idea oh yeah i can answer that one i can answer that one yeah i can answer that one already you're relaxed you're you're relaxing
00:31:19
Speaker
So read it through, then go back to the beginning and then read the question again, then pick up your poem. And ignore anyone that's already scribbling and thinking it's not about the amount of time you spend writing, it's about the amount of time you spend understanding and responding.
00:31:35
Speaker
And you can often lose silly marks by making silly mistakes if that makes sense. And everyone's done that in practice. If only I knew then what I know now. I'm not sure we would actually. I cannot help my daughter with her maths or even my son with his science. But you know what, it's not about
00:31:57
Speaker
Being perfect, is it? It's about ensuring that we are the best that we can be. And that's about being prepared and knowing, do you know what, I've given it my best shot and walking away. Oh, oh, and do not compare the answers after the exam. That's the worst answer. What did you put? Oh my God, I put the wrong thing. No, I did that once as an adult in an exam. And I was right and she was wrong.
00:32:21
Speaker
But I bet you were thinking you were wrong and she was right. No, absolutely. I was like, oh no, I've lost five marks. I can't believe I did that. She lost five marks. It wasn't me. Great lesson you've learned there, but really do not. There is a temptation, and we've all been there, and you've just explained it. What did you get? What did you write down for question five? Do you know what? It's done. You can't change it now. Walk away. So would you say, once that exam's finished, if you've got nothing else that day, just go home. Go home. Get out of there.
00:32:51
Speaker
and think, right, what's next? Concentrate on the next exam and go back and prepare for the next one. It's done, move on. You can't change anything now. And that's another good point, isn't it? Don't spend emotional energy thinking about things that you cannot impact. Or it's getting back to that control thing that you said at the beginning. It is, absolutely. Because if you worry about it, how on earth are you going to be in the best possible place now to prepare for your next exam? Yeah, yeah.
00:33:14
Speaker
Let it go, let it go. So talking about prep for exams, obviously I had lots of questions about revision techniques. I know that's not, we're here to talk about your sort of emotional responses to exam stress, but
00:33:27
Speaker
What and this is my daughter in particular wanted to know do you have any tips for revision in terms of how long you should be revising and How often you should be breaking what should you do in those breaks to make the most of them?
Revision Strategies and Study Habits
00:33:43
Speaker
And it sort of comes from big especially at GCSE she's kind of saying to me bless her
00:33:49
Speaker
levels will be easier because when you've got three subjects, Sharon just made a heck of a face there and I've not said anything to her because you know that's for another time but she's right, she's got 10 different subjects to think about and so she actually said to me I feel overwhelmed with it so how do you revise for that volume of things and avoid the overwhelm or control the overwhelm? Okay
00:34:15
Speaker
So the important thing to do is to start early. That's really important. Get cracking there. Get cracking. So and I guess it's what you term as revision. So is the revision just the stuff which is going over the stuff you've already learned or do you think about your revision as the whole thing which is your homework, your filing, you know all of that type of thing. So my little tips would be
00:34:45
Speaker
Make sure you file everything that you have done in school. So make sure everything is up to date. Organization skills are important. Right. When my 17-year-old did his GCSEs, because he's not the most organized person in the world, but the thing is, organization skills can be taught. Not everybody has them, but we can teach them. So we looked at him having, you know, sort of different folders for his revision notes and making sure that they were filed because the tendency is, you know, you finished your revision, put it to one side.
00:35:15
Speaker
and then you're trying to look for notes. So make sure that you've got a good system, you file everything. At the end of the day, when you come home, just have a quick read through your school notes and just to refresh your memory. Always do your homework. That's really, really important.
00:35:37
Speaker
But some people would say, and then read around the subject, some people would say that is also part of the revision. Because every time you touch a subject, some of it is going, even if you're filing, like you say, you see a heading that reminds you of something and then you can think through. You're consolidating your learning, aren't you? But there are lots of different types. So there's something that's called
00:35:58
Speaker
metacognition, I don't know if you've heard about that, but basically it's understanding your preferred learning, ways of learning and understanding your thought processes. And so, okay, so what is the best way of learning for you? Because it would be different for everybody.
00:36:16
Speaker
Some people end up using lots of colourful highlighters and it's more like a colouring in exercise than it is a revision exercise. So if you're using all the different colours of the rainbow you're probably using too much highlighting. So for some of us it's flashcards, for some of us it will be mind maps, for some of us it will be doing little quizzes.
00:36:36
Speaker
You know, so think about the best way, for some of us it would be like inventing a story around a particular, you know, I don't know, history fact or something. Acronyms, you know, different things, chunking. So what I mean by chunking is, I don't know,
00:36:54
Speaker
If you wanted to remember the number 0 8 1 0 1 9 6 5. Yeah, it's gone already Yeah, so you chunk it. Okay. Okay, so you put 0 8 together. Yes, then you say 10
00:37:09
Speaker
you say 1965. So you chucked it into groups. Yeah, that's much easier to think about. Yeah. Yeah. So that's another learning tool. And then every, so make sure you're finding that today. And then if you are just laying on your bed, just reading your notes, that is probably the least effective way of actual revising. Okay. So one of the best ways
00:37:31
Speaker
is to test each other, to teach somebody else. So your daughter could be teaching you. So I'm getting Matt, my son, to teach me a little bit of psychology. Because I've always been a bit of a hobby psychologist. So he's doing A level psychology. So I get him to teach me what you learned today. That's a good point, actually. We have chemistry conversations over dinner. Yeah, absolutely. Talk about, you know,
00:37:59
Speaker
what's going on in the world if you're doing a GCSE in geography for example you know so all that is a great way of revising it's still revising because you're cementing your knowledge so you kind of it feels like you're saying try to think about revising all the time as opposed to sitting down at your desk and doing
00:38:16
Speaker
six solid hours of history. Absolutely. Break it up, have regular gaps and use, it's a technique from a lady called Lucy Parsons. She's a student sort of coach, revision coach. And I've shared this technique with lots of my clients called the power hour. So lots of students spend too much time thinking about the content and not enough time thinking about exam technique.
00:38:46
Speaker
So the power hour gets you to practice exams. So you think about a question that is one question off an exam. It might come up. Yeah. You spend 20 minutes revising that particular topic. Then you do 20 minutes answering that one question. Okay.
00:39:10
Speaker
Then you do 20 minutes doing sort of marking and seeing what you're marking. Think like an examiner, really. What is the examiner going to be looking for? You get your marking schemes, ask your teachers, you can download it all online. It's all out there. Start to think like an examiner. Think, right, OK.
00:39:28
Speaker
What could I have done differently? Yeah, you know, yeah, exactly. And then ask for feedback. Okay. So, you know, ask your teachers, ask somebody who is very knowledgeable, go and speak to, you know, an A level student, maybe that is, you know,
00:39:45
Speaker
able to support, some A level students do a little bit of mentoring. Yeah, or people that have just done the exam before you and done okay. So an hour of time, that's okay to do an hour in one stretch. Yeah, because you're breaking it down. So 20 minutes, 20 minutes, 20 minutes, then have a break. Or there's the Pomodoro technique, where you revise some things just for 20 minutes, then you have a five minute break. Then you come back and do another 20 minutes,
00:40:14
Speaker
and then you have another five minute break. So you're breaking it up. Because actually, there's a reason why most school lessons are only 40 minutes long is because we can only concentrate. Can't concentrate. Right. And what would you do in those breaks? What's the most productive thing to get you back in that mindset for learning? So depending on the weather, I would say get outside. Make sure you are getting fresh air every day. Even do a little bit of exercise. If it all gets too much. Matt, for example, I remember when he was revising, it was just before his
00:40:44
Speaker
literature exam and he was becoming quite overwhelmed and he was looking for something on Romeo and Juliet and he couldn't find it and he was really frustrated because he couldn't find it and I said, right, stop. Totally the time to stop. Yeah. Stop. Put your trainers on. Go for a run. No, I can't. I need to do this. Stop. And we all feel like that. I still feel like that as well. When I'm editing a podcast and there's dinner nearly ready, I'm like, oh God, I'm up against it. I need to go.
00:41:07
Speaker
But actually better to just stop because I'll come back to it with fresh eyes. Exactly. And he went for a run and he came back and he found it and he felt so much better. So get outside, do some exercise. That can be really, really helpful. Where are we going with that? Sorry, I've just gone off on a rabbit hole and I've gone somewhere else. We're talking about, I mean, we probably could do a whole podcast just on revision techniques, but
00:41:28
Speaker
We were talking about revision techniques and how to make your brakes productive so that you can get back into it. Thank you for that. So exercise, fresh air is good.
00:41:38
Speaker
Healthy snacks don't reach for sugary snacks. So come down, the tendency, I mean, I still do it. You know, I always know if I'm a bit stressed because my eating changes. Of course, of course. So get in healthy snacks. These are all things that parents can do to support their children as well. You know, make sure there's lots of healthy snacks for them to do and keep your fluids up. By that, I mean drink lots of water. Brain needs water, doesn't it? It does, it does, it does. So come away from it.
00:42:06
Speaker
don't go on social media and that's the temptation isn't it? So what actually incorporating that understanding that social media is really important to kids for connection and for downtime I really don't have a problem with my kids spending an hour just scrolling through Instagram because that switches their heads off I know that
00:42:27
Speaker
But how do you, that we're getting onto a different question, but how do you manage the time suck that is social media when you're revising without saying, all right, I'm going to put my phone in another room, my mother's going to take it off me. In fact, somebody said that she had a...
00:42:45
Speaker
with her son, she had a, what do you call it, a motivational thing, an incentive. Leave your phone downstairs, and I don't know what the incentive was, I'm guessing money, because that's usually what works. However long you can leave your phone downstairs, you get money for it. Does that work, or should we be trying to coach kids into managing it for themselves? So there's quite a lot there, actually. Not an easy task.
00:43:10
Speaker
I am a big advocate of rewards in as much as we need to reward ourselves when we have done a task that is quite heavy going or hard going. That's the incentive.
00:43:25
Speaker
Although external incentives work, we really want our young people to have that internal motivation as well. So I'm going to back it up a little bit and just say that we're often giving kids targets, you know, educators give children targets. So when I worked with young people and I did it with both of my boys, my eldest is coming up to 21. So when he did his A-levels and GCSEs, I said, right, OK, so we know what the school has given you. That's what they feel you're capable of.
00:43:53
Speaker
what I'd like you to do is to be thinking about what do you think you're capable of? So that it's a self-set goal. Now often young people will set themselves higher. Well that's the other worry is that they expect too much of themselves and it becomes a stress in its own... Yeah it can do but it can also work to your advantage and it would also tie into your question around what can we do to alleviate the stress that we put on young people.
00:44:23
Speaker
So, you know, get them to think about, okay, so if that's, you know, level eight, if that's what you want, is that a realistic target? Okay, fine. So if you want an eight in biology,
00:44:34
Speaker
what do you feel you need to do in able to achieve that? Okay. Okay. So, you know, what areas do you need to concentrate on? How much do you need to do? Let's put a timetable together. So incentives again, you know, some of them, well, certainly I can only speak for my, both of my boys, but you know, two, two clients I'm coaching at the moment, we've put together an exam timetable and we've built in breaks. That's really important. Yeah. Free time. Really important.
00:45:03
Speaker
And so we looked at that and then said, right, OK, so when you are looking at your revision, what we can do then is parents is to say that goal that you've set yourself of a level eight or a level six. Yeah. Do you feel that you're doing what you need to do to be able to achieve that? And that gets young people to reflect on, OK, actually, probably spending too much time doing
00:45:31
Speaker
Instagram at the moment. Yeah it could wait till the summer holiday. It could wait let's put it to one side and the other thing again talking about goals being a coach I would wouldn't I but we need to be in touch with the why and the why is not to disappoint mum the why is not to not to ensure that my teachers are pleased it needs to be something that motivates me as the young person. Yes that makes you feel like you want to do the work. Exactly
00:45:54
Speaker
So what is it that I want to get as a result of getting the... That eight or that six? Yes, so it might be I need to get them to be able to do the A-levels that I want. If it's A-levels. Okay, so where do I want to go after that? So setting yourself the ultimate long-term. What is it that I want to gain as a result? Let me say to you, Helen, if I said to you now, I need you to meet me tomorrow morning at Heathrow Airport.
00:46:22
Speaker
Let's pretend the coronavirus doesn't exist. At Heathrow Airport, four o'clock in the morning, what's the first question you'd say to me? Where are we going? Or why? Why do I need to know? Why four o'clock in the morning? No, I'm thinking, oh, Jamaica. Yeah. But if I said to you, meet me at Heathrow Airport at 4 a.m. tomorrow, I've got a spare ticket to Barbados, you would
00:46:46
Speaker
be asking me why. No. You wouldn't be saying, gosh, how do I set my alarm? No. How do I make sure I've got enough sleep? I know everything I need to do to get there. Exactly. And my motivation would be, I'm going to barber it. Exactly. So set yourself the reason why. I call it the big fat why question. Big fat why. Why is it important?
00:47:04
Speaker
So we can look at the big one, but we can also look at the short-term ones as well and break it into short-term journey goals. Am I doing enough right now to get the ultimate results that I want? Because we've got the whole summer to do whatever we want to do. Yeah, absolutely. And how, oh gosh, how much pressure, how much stress do we cause when we nag a child who
00:47:32
Speaker
So I'll talk about my daughter as an example. She, I know, would not want me helping her with her revision and her timetable. She's very organised. I'm lucky. She's really on it.
00:47:45
Speaker
getting involved in her revision planning, or indeed her revision, I think would cause her more stress than the actual exam prep itself. She's said that she's happy for me to test her on stuff when she thinks she's nearly ready on her terms. But my anxiety kicks in with, you know, I know she's doing okay. And schools are really good because they do feedback regularly now. So you do know
00:48:12
Speaker
It's still a bit of an uncharted territory, isn't it? You don't actually know when they're up in their bedrooms and I can't force her to do a revision downstairs in front of me at the kitchen table. She wants to be in her bedroom, she wants to do some of it on her bed and she does use her desk. What should I be doing from that point of view to make sure she's doing enough?
00:48:36
Speaker
Or should I not, should I, going back to that last point, should I be putting it all with her and saying, you know, you get what you want to get? I think it's a bit of a mixture of everything, isn't it? Um, cause it sort of goes back to what we were talking about where, who do you surround yourself with because moods are contagious. So if we're feeling anxious and stressy, that is going to rub off, they're going to, you know, we leak it through our body language. Um, so.
00:49:00
Speaker
I think exam timetapers are important, not exam timetapers, revision timetapers are important. What I say to Matt and I said to Alex is just write me a timetable so I know exactly what your plan is. That way I know that he's got a plan which alleviates my worry that he's not doing anything.
00:49:23
Speaker
then I can also have those conversations around okay so it's six o'clock so I'm guessing you're doing your maths revision now and off they go and and thinking about the result that you want
00:49:38
Speaker
Is it helpful or unhelpful to have your phone upstairs? I'm just saying, you know, you're a young adult, I don't want to be on your case, but help me to help you not be on your case by just sort of like doing everything. So it's okay to do the little annoying things that we do as moms. I think we can't avoid it, can we? But maybe a more structured, hopefully more productive way. Change the way you say it. And ask them, do you think
00:50:05
Speaker
You know, help me to help you. I don't want to be nagging you. You don't want me to be nagging you. So help me to step back by giving me the information that I need. Because, you know, no young people want us on their cases. That's true about everything, isn't it? I've said that when Maddie goes out and, you know, I'm not sure where she is. And obviously because she has an addition, she's got medical condition that I worry about. And I've said to her, look, if you just text me where you are,
00:50:34
Speaker
and keep me updated if you move and tell me what time you're coming home and then text me if it's going to be a different time to that, then I won't contact you at all. I will not get in your way. And I think it's about having those, maybe around the dinner table, having those open conversations and saying,
00:50:54
Speaker
like you know this is how I feel but I I am aware that this this is going to impact on you and I don't want it to. Okay so what do you need me to do and what can you do for me to make that work? And if they say back off right okay so for me to back off this is what I need. This is what I need from you yeah yeah yeah absolutely. And for those that are in year 11 now and year 13 now parents of those children
00:51:19
Speaker
Don't worry about the messy bedroom, you know, all of that stuff, you know, like give them a break, you know. Yeah, totally. Oh, no, I'm not even going in there. Well, occasionally I do just to remove cups and glasses and plates. Oh, exactly. But give them a reward, you know, ultimately, you know, give them something to aim for as well, not just that, you know, so it might be okay. So, you know,
00:51:40
Speaker
going to take you out to your favorite dinner to celebrate after that exam. Yeah, yeah. Or we'll buy those tickets for Reading when you finish that one. Yeah, exactly. That's right, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay, so
00:51:55
Speaker
Some kids I've heard are having panic attacks. Now, I've had two of those in my life and it's really scary. What would you say to someone who's experiencing
Handling Panic Attacks and Anxiety Techniques
00:52:08
Speaker
that? How do they manage them in the moment? How do they try to avoid them without creating additional stress of, oh my God, I might have a panic attack if I do this. I think often the worry about something happening is worse than the thing happening itself.
00:52:23
Speaker
everyone's panic buying because we're worrying about coronavirus. And what I would say is there's a part of our brain called the Rictilia Activating System and it's sort of like our brain genie is how I would describe it. It's the part of your brain that if you're in a really really busy coffee shop and there's really loads of noise but somebody said Helen you would hear it even if it wasn't person was right at the back of the coffee shop. Do you know what I mean? Yes.
00:52:51
Speaker
Um, so basically what I would say is what you pay attention to, you notice more of because your brain is like shining a spotlight of attention. So it's like your little brain genie has got a torch in the dark, um, and shines that torch light on what it is that you're focusing on. That's why I'm saying about language is really important. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm having a panic attack. So what can I do in the moment? I need to talk to myself. Okay.
00:53:20
Speaker
So you are calm, you are safe, you are in control. So talk to yourself as if you were somebody, like somebody who was talking to you. Right, we need to do some calm breathing. Breathing is so important. Really hard though with a panic attack. I found myself just almost panting. So again, so if we know that we're susceptible to that, again, it's about being prepared.
00:53:50
Speaker
So doing things like mindfulness, because what mindfulness does is it starts to rewire the brain, it calms down the amygdala, which is going into sort of overdrive. So regular mindfulness, it's like a little lullaby to the brain, it calms it all down, it's like sort of stroking a cat, calms the cat down. Regular, regular mindfulness, regular breathing, not just when we need it,
00:54:14
Speaker
regular and is that so that we can access it more easily actually in the moment when we need it right because when we're in flight flight freeze you're right the emotional brain is hijacked yes so all the rational thinking goes out the window so we know rationally that you know if we do calm breathing it's going to calm us down yeah all of a sudden the emotional brain is hijacked yeah so the more that we do that regularly you know and and even if you're not sort of like you know sort of challenged with um
00:54:39
Speaker
And again, listen to the language, not suffering from, challenged with panic attacks. There is something that I can do, I can start to rewire the brain now. If we do something often enough, it fires a synapse, that synapse gets stronger and stronger and stronger. So that in the moment, that pathway is going to be more easily accessible. Now I'm not saying it's easy, of course it's challenging, but the more we do it, the more likely we are to be able to stay in the moment. Now the other thing is,
00:55:10
Speaker
if you're with a young person, reassure them that they're safe. So, you know, sort of get down to their level. Look at me, you're safe. Let's breathe together. You might even use your hand. You can see I'm using, putting my hand up and down. So let's breathe in. Let's breathe out. Because the hearing may not be 100% focused, but the eyes, you know, to sort of like do a visual up and down or breathing in and breathing out, like almost like you're, you know, sort of like playing an accordion, you know? So they can see your hands moving.
00:55:39
Speaker
and rooting us back into the moment. So, okay, five things I can see, four things I can taste, not literally in that moment, but it's distracting the brain. Three things I can smell, two things I can hear, one thing I can touch, whatever it is, going through the senses. So you're back in your physical senses rather than this panicky emotional thing. Absolutely. And what can I control right now? So I'm here, I am safe,
00:56:08
Speaker
What can I do? So it's talking to ourselves with positive open questions. What's the first step? Think about somebody whom you really trust. What would my teacher say to do right now? What would my best friend tell me right now?
00:56:29
Speaker
So in terms of the mindfulness practice, which I totally understand it's good to get into that before you get to a difficult moment, do you have any particular downloads that you would recommend or places to go for people who are panicky and struggling with
00:56:48
Speaker
I'm not allowed to say struggling. I'm not allowed to say, you're not allowed. No, it's right. You're going to go out with a completely different language than you came in with. It's so true though, I had some coaching a while ago from a friend who was training and she helped me whilst using me for practice. And I realised quite how often I was saying that I should be doing things that I wasn't doing. She said, stop that. Yeah, we should all over ourselves all the time.
00:57:16
Speaker
That's so good. What could we do? Yeah? So I should be revising. I could be revising.
00:57:23
Speaker
or I could be doing something else. Yeah, because the should just gives you guilt and that adds more stress. Yeah, so no berating yourself throughout this whole process. Definitely not. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't do. And if you think you can't do it, just change it to yet. Can't do it yet. What do I need to do in order to be able to improve at that? Yeah, I can't do it yet because I really fancy watching Drag Queen for half an hour.
00:57:48
Speaker
Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, exactly. Not drag queen, drag race, oh god. And that's a completely different series, I'm sure. I am so bad at knowing what's going on with my teenagers. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you another question about burnout. So this was one that Maddie gave me. How do I feel like I've done enough?
00:58:17
Speaker
without overdoing it and burning out and going too far because there's always more you can learn, isn't there?
Striving for Personal Bests Over Perfectionism
00:58:24
Speaker
How do you get to a point where you're able to do, as you've said, all of these techniques and say, I've done enough and well prepared and be calm about the knowledge that you know you have.
00:58:37
Speaker
I guess that sort of connects in quite well with perfectionism and knowing that, you know, perfect doesn't exist. Yes. Oh God, I need that reminder. And if we are looking at being perfect, actually, I think it was Beyonce had a little quote around, you know, if we think we've got it all perfect, actually we'll never grow and develop and improve. And we always need to be doing that. I mean, you know, I do a lot of training for coaches.
00:59:04
Speaker
as well for a company I freelance for. And even myself, after I've done a sort of a module with training coaches, I'll be looking for, okay, so how could I have improved that? What would I do differently next time? I don't think just because I've delivered it for however many times that it's perfect. We're always looking to improve, but we have to get things into proportion, don't we? So,
00:59:31
Speaker
So breaking it down, manageable chunks, what is it I'm looking to achieve, making sure I build in enough breaks, looking at different sort of revision techniques, exam techniques, and trusting in our ability to ensure that we might not get
00:59:52
Speaker
100%, probably won't get 100%, only very, very few of us get 100%. But what I've done is the best that I can do at this time, at this particular topic. See, I'm a perfectionist and I think that's why I went into such a panic over my exams. Because I was looking at every mark I didn't get.
01:00:13
Speaker
as a failure to get everything I could have got you know rather than looking at the 99 that maybe I did get and thinking oh my god I'm amazing I got 99. Yeah exactly exactly you know and there's a reason why they keep making the
01:00:28
Speaker
You know, the exam boards, you know, and they say that the grades they're hiring, the grade is because, you know, it makes sense. We need to challenge ourselves. We need to grow. It's important for our brain to be stimulated, to grow and to develop and change. We've got a whole lifetime of learning ahead of us. We're not going to get it 100% right right now.
01:00:49
Speaker
No, and actually acknowledging that 100% isn't necessary. And probably not achievable. No, and 100% might make you ill, and therefore isn't a goal that is worth trying to aim for. You're the best that we can do. You're the best that you personally can do, and know that you've done the work for that, I guess. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good.
01:01:12
Speaker
I think we've covered most things, but before we finish, do you have any other, some of the tips that you've given me for exam revision techniques? I didn't know. I mean, we're so much more sophisticated now than we were in 1983. Do you have any more of those?
01:01:29
Speaker
Well there's one that some of your young people might be aware of, they might not and certainly as parents, certainly the parents I'm sure might not necessarily be aware of them and it's the red, amber, green rating. So I spoke about highlighters. Basically you need a red highlighter, an amber highlighter and a green highlighter and it comes back to revision and it's a great strategy.
01:01:54
Speaker
So I guess, just to use an analogy, if we think about an actor or an actress and they were learning their lines, they don't leave it to the night before their performance to learn their lines. They've been learning them for a really long time. And I'm guessing, I don't know, I don't know any actors or actresses, that there will be certain parts of their script that they know really, really well.
01:02:20
Speaker
certain parts of their script that they don't know so well. So it's a bit of a waste of time going through all of the stuff that they already know to lead up to that. So that's sort of where the red, amber, green, rag rating comes in. So get your syllabus, your topics and go through them with the stuff that you know really well, you highlight with green.
01:02:45
Speaker
the stuff that you know pretty well. You highlight with the orange and the stuff that you don't know, you highlight with the red. No point keeping revising the stuff you know, your green stuff. But back to one side, you can have a little refresher of that nearer the time. The stuff to concentrate on is the red and the amber because ultimately what will happen is the amber stuff will turn to green
01:03:08
Speaker
and then the red stuff will start to turn to amber and then you know when I went back and said power hour then we can focus on power hour or exam questions on the ones that perhaps are a bit more challenging for us so not only are you revising your exam technique you're also revising the part of that particular topic that subject
01:03:30
Speaker
that perhaps is a bit more challenging. Yeah I like that. I love that actually. It's totally banal analogy but I'm learning the piano. Okay. And actually here's an extension to that question. I'm learning the piano and inevitably there are bits of the music that I can play really nicely and it sounds beautiful.
01:03:52
Speaker
And there are bits of it that I always get wrong. And my piano teacher will say to me, don't sit down and start playing that piece of music. Sit down and play that section that you always get wrong. Yeah, yeah. Until you don't get it wrong anymore. Yeah, exactly. But then this is my question.
01:04:08
Speaker
My need for positivity and happiness takes me to the bit that I can play really nicely every single time. Fear and failure that is. So are kids likely to be looking at the green and going well I know that I'll do that because that feels nice and safe and then they get a reward because they know that.
01:04:27
Speaker
How do they then force themselves to go straight to the red bin? Well I would say start on the amber. Okay. Start on the amber, break it down into small manageable chunks, concentrate on one little bit as you say and practice it. Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent. We want to know it so it's permanently in our brain so that we can recall it.
01:04:48
Speaker
So just concentrate on that little bit. And it's like stepping out of your comfort zone. When you step out of your comfort zone, it feels scary. You get spin cycle 20 in your tummy. If you do it often enough, it doesn't feel scary anymore and you're not stepping out of your comfort zone, it's actually in your comfort zone. And you step a little bit further out.
01:05:05
Speaker
So if we jump straight to red, that might be too big a jump. But if we just step out and have a look at just a couple of little, gonna concentrate on a couple of the little amber ones, do some revision on that, do some quizzes, test myself, test myself with my friends, teach my friend, teach my parents,
01:05:21
Speaker
you know, do a power hour, do one question. Actually, we will start to sort of, you know, that will become a green question. They'll go green and then you can feel more confident to tackle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's unrealistic to expect everything is going to be green. Of course it is. But the worst thing you want to do, you want to mitigate as much as you can when you're going into that exam. The last thing you want to do is to walk in, turn your exam question over. The first question is on your RID. Yeah. And think, I knew I should have spent it. Yeah.
01:05:50
Speaker
I had one of those exams, I just didn't click with, it was a book, I didn't click with the book so I just didn't spend time reading it. And it may be just around a revision or a learning technique. So look at it in a different way, could you hear it through an audiobook for example, that particular book, rather than reading it? That had been available at the time, it probably was on a tape cassette.
01:06:15
Speaker
yeah or record yourself you know read a chunk out to yourself and listen to yourself reading it back you know there are so many ways that we can that we can do that now you know listening to different things my very first podcast episode um shan who was expelled from school she um she was genius she said the way that she passed her exams
01:06:37
Speaker
that because it was all things that she and she didn't want to apply herself to the work the way that she passed them she had a passion for football she made all her maths example questions into football brilliant technique and i don't i think even her geography she managed to make it about football and so she i don't know how she changed the name history maybe she changed the names of the the kings and queens or the the williams the conquerors into
01:07:00
Speaker
football brilliant brilliant and she learned it that way yeah that comes back to that metacognition that i spoke about knowing and understanding your thought processes and how you prefer to learn things that make you happier to think about and happier to work with yeah well there's so much yeah yeah no go back and listen to shan's episode because that was a really good one yeah okay so
Focusing on Controllable Aspects to Manage Stress
01:07:23
Speaker
I think we've covered quite a lot there. There's so much we could go on and on and on, but some really nice anxiety techniques and some really good revision techniques to help kind of control that anxiety and make it work for you, as you said right at the beginning.
01:07:41
Speaker
Focus on what you can control, not what you can't control. And parents out there, the way that we are affects the way that they are. We really have got to sort of like, right, what am I in control with? You can't force your young person to revise, but you can settle your anxieties by having a conversation and not stressing them out. And maybe we need to go out for a walk sometimes and get out of that space. Definitely. And encourage them to get out as well. Maybe have a walk with you as well.
01:08:08
Speaker
Well actually that is another question. How do you still spend time with your teenager?
01:08:15
Speaker
when they feel like all they want to do is be alone so they can do their work and have their downtime. We had this at the weekend. I upset my daughter because I decided it was a nice day. The coronavirus stuff was doing my head in. All four of us were going to walk the dog together. I had in my head a nice long walk in the woods, not the usual run up to the local field. And that upset her because it took her away from a chunk of time that she felt she needed to work.
01:08:44
Speaker
How do we still spend time with our kids? I think that's the importance of having a timetable. When you look at your revision timetable, and I always tell young people to build in the free time and build in the breaks, because then what you can do is say, right, I noticed that you've built in a break or some free time at, I don't know,
01:09:07
Speaker
two o'clock, let's say for example, that's your regular slot. Our body's light routine. So having that timetable is important. So we've got that time built in, right, okay, let's take the dog for a walk when you're having your break. So you can sort of build it in around that. It is important to encourage young people to get outside. Do you know what? Often they'll look disbelievers because we are parents, but you know what?
01:09:33
Speaker
get online and find the hard evidence to show them, then they can't argue with they can. Send me some links Sharon, I'll delete them in the episode notes. But maybe even to plan that in advance and say that one hour break, that whatever you've got, is it okay if we schedule that to be a dog walk? Because actually
01:09:54
Speaker
my 12-year-old who isn't doing revision will also go, ooh, don't walk. But then we got out and they were having a lovely time. It always happens. We always have a nice time and they always enjoy it. It's just the being dragged away from the thing they want to do. They didn't realise that they want to walk the dog. And also, you know, you can now use that
01:10:15
Speaker
in the future and and use it sort of like a sort of a comparison so remember when you didn't want to come and you went and you came back and you felt so much better so you can use that as a little bit of ammunition as well you felt so much better when you came back and she didn't she she'd said because i'd said oh i want to watch film in the evening i'm really demanding every time and then she did come back i expected that i would be at seven o'clock kind of pushing her and going have you finished yet have you finished let's watch this film
01:10:44
Speaker
And I think she came down at about five and made some cookies. And so now I've done everything, I'll finish with what I wanted to do. More productive, bit focused. Any specialist in this area will say the children that achieve their full potential are the ones that build in regular breaks, have regular sleep patterns, you know? Because we need that sleep time, eat healthily, and you know, sort of get outside. Get outdoors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lovely.
01:11:13
Speaker
Well, Sharon, I could talk to you all day. Um, where do people find you if they want to connect with you? Fantastic. So, um, my, I love social media. So on Twitter it's at Sharon Nat Flair.
01:11:27
Speaker
Twitter is the same, at sharing that flare. My website is natural hyphen flare.com, obviously with the www in front, of course. And I'm also on Facebook as well, and that's natural flare life and parent coaching. And I do a little regular Friday family tip that comes out. I know you've liked a few of my little family tips. So short things that you can do to engage in sort of like family life
01:11:55
Speaker
And I have my conversation starters, which are on Saturdays. So again, little things to get the conversation started. So every Saturday on my social media, it's a short, sort of 50 second conversation starter. So it will be, it could be three things that you're proud of, or it could be
01:12:14
Speaker
or sort of jokey ones like if you could be a dog or a cat who would you what would you be and why you know and there's also some really sort of like more meatier discussion ones as well light-hearted but the idea is it's about family life is about positive relationships
01:12:29
Speaker
And if all we're doing is nagging our young people. It does feel like that. Oh gosh, absolutely. But if we can bring the fun back into parenting and that positive sort of energy in families, and that's all about having positive conversations, our young people will open up to us much more. That is so true.
01:12:44
Speaker
It really is, I've noticed that too, right? So sign up and follow you, Facebook, Twitter. That'll be fantastic. Whatever platforms you're on because there's so much to get out of the things that you put out there. Yeah, fantastic. Always stuff there, you know, little sort of motivational tips and, you know, webinars. I do monthly webinars and that type of stuff. I will remind listeners that the way I know Sharon is because I went on one of her parenting courses and I've never needed to go back because she taught me.
01:13:09
Speaker
how to manage my kit and myself to get the best out of them. But I feel like I've had a little coaching session myself now. It's been brilliant. Thank you. You're very welcome. I think Sharon's message about focusing on what we can control rather than what we can't
01:13:34
Speaker
is a great approach to life in general, actually, as well as any particular stress that we might be feeling. By taking control of some aspects of what's worrying us, we're able to minimize the importance in our minds of those things that we have no influence over. And let's face it, there's a lot of that right now. I love her point about distancing yourself from situations that cause added anxiety.
01:14:00
Speaker
And that can apply to our fears right now over coronavirus measures. Whether it be avoiding social media if that's winding us up.
01:14:09
Speaker
or not seeing people who add to your own fears with theirs. I'm also thinking what a great idea it is to make a timetable, not for the kids, but for myself. Now the kids are home all the time, it's going to be even more important for me, I think, to plan out my commitments for work and life admin, as well as to them, to avoid too much of the overwhelm that sometimes threatens to derail me.
01:14:34
Speaker
If you'd like some more tips from Sharon, head over to her website or her Instagram and Facebook pages and sign up. I'm liking the sound of those Saturday conversation start as she talked about.
01:14:47
Speaker
I've also got 10 brilliant tips for coping with coronavirus anxiety over on my blog Actually Mummy from people who live through swine flu and SARS and can offer their perspective on what we're all currently going through. Pop over if you fancy a read. I'll link to the post in the episode notes as well as to Sharon's profiles.
01:15:08
Speaker
Thank you again so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode again I'm going to ask you to subscribe and come back next week for another brilliant guest. If you feel like giving us a rating and a review that would be amazing as it does help to boost us in the iTunes charts and that means that other families find me as well.
01:15:30
Speaker
This episode of the Teenage Kicks podcast is sponsored by Blue Microphones who gave me the brilliant YetiCaster mic so I can record the series. Bye for now and I hope to see you next week.