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Mothers (feat. Aunt Trishana)
100 Plays2 years ago
In this series, we are digging deeper into current and potential motherhood. We are peaking through the eyes of several different women, all in different life stages. In this episode, we are interviewing my Aunt Trishana!
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Transcript
Introduction and Background
00:00:40
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome, beautiful people. Welcome, pioneers. We are in season two through the eyes of women, and it has just been so amazing. Talk to all of these mothers about motherhood and just get into the nitty-gritty. So today, we have my Aunt Trishana on here. Woo! Yay, yay, yay. Can you give us a little bit about yourself? OK. My name is Trishana.
00:01:10
Speaker
I am 30 years old. I just turned 30 this year. I am a mother and a wife, mother of three, three toddlers. I am in the medical field. I enjoy what I do. I'm always looking for opportunity and ways to improve myself. And I am a proud one.
00:01:36
Speaker
of this young lady that is doing this podcast. Hi. All
The Challenges of Motherhood
00:01:43
Speaker
right. First question, what is motherhood? Motherhood is the most difficult job I've ever had and the most rewarding also. What are some generalizations about motherhood that need to be shut down?
00:02:07
Speaker
that every woman wants to be a mother. I think that that definitely needs to be shut down. Just the simple fact that
00:02:20
Speaker
every woman doesn't want to be a mother. You know what I'm saying? I think society put that on women at the early age. Even when you're a child, getting your daughter's baby dolls instead of letting them play with toy cars. You know what I'm saying? Just always pushing that on girls and women until early age. And then if you are one of those women that
00:02:46
Speaker
or young girls that say oh I don't want kids you're looked at like what why not or I hear a lot of um women that say they don't want kids like for example I was reading an article yesterday on Mary J Blige and she was basically saying that she didn't want children and her reasons of why she didn't want children and then in the comments women were like oh well
00:03:09
Speaker
if she just had a good man, she would change that. No, even if she didn't have a good man, she still wouldn't want kids. It's okay not to want kids. That's not a job in a grace that everyone has. Yeah, exactly. Is it challenging and why?
The Role of Support Systems
00:03:26
Speaker
Yes, it's very challenging as a mother. I mean, it takes a selfless person to do this job. It's not always
00:03:39
Speaker
It's not always rewarding. I mean, you go through your stages. If you was lucky enough to have someone in your life to show you just a glimpse of what motherhood looks like, that's not even a snippet of what you would go through trying to do this thing called motherhood. It's just not, of course you have
00:04:07
Speaker
your women in your life that can give you advice, but it's nothing like a test. You can study for it. You can prepare yourself for it, but it's nothing like it until you're actually there and you're doing it yourself. Is your mother in your life and how has that affected your motherhood?
00:04:30
Speaker
Yes, my mother is in my life. That has affected me tremendously with raising my kids, especially when I first had my first child. I was totally lost in what to do. She was there. If I had any questions, helping me through it, what does it mean when this is happening? What does it mean when this happens to my body? Just being able to come to her, ask her. She was able to guide me through those things.
Pregnancy and Physical Strain
00:04:58
Speaker
that helped me out a lot you know even when um just different things for my kids even still to this day that i don't know if she's able to like you know helping guide me through it was pregnancy hard for you heck yes yes i hate being pregnant like i don't know some
00:05:23
Speaker
women be like oh I enjoy my pregnancy and it was the most beautiful experience ever no I hate it I hated being pregnant like I hated it each one was different in their own way but I just hated it like I'll go back on pictures some pictures I don't even recognize myself like the amount of
00:05:49
Speaker
stress that your body goes through. It's a lot on your body mentally and physically. It's just a lot. Even afterwards, your body is never the same. So how did it change your body temporarily? Temporarily, I think the biggest I ever got was almost 200 pounds. And you know I'm a little person, so that was not for me.
00:06:19
Speaker
Some days not being able to get out of bed, you know, not being able to walk to the bathroom. Like you're basically handicapped. Like some days I was peeing and throwing up on myself. Like literally like so many embarrassing things that you're like, did I just do that? Like did I just wet my pants? Like really like, you know, just, you're just so like,
00:06:48
Speaker
Not yourself, you know what I'm saying? It's a lot of things that you have to depend. I had to depend on my husband for a lot of things. Like me walking normal speed and me literally only walking like a couple of feet and then being out of breath. You know what I'm saying? Couldn't really walk upstairs. It's just a lot. So temporarily, it was hard. Those changes that my body was going through at the time, it was definitely hard.
00:07:18
Speaker
What did your buddy go through? How did it change permanently? Permanently, it changed. My boobs don't sit up high anymore. That's when the common consensus. Yeah. I have scratch marks, of course. Like, you know, that reminds me of when my babies was growing, like that's, you know, you scratch me out. So those are the changes that they,
00:07:47
Speaker
are just going to be there unless I have some kind of surgery or something. You know what I'm saying? But that all is our daily reminders of you are a mother. You went through something. Your body burst something into this world, you know. Yeah. Have you ever miscarried or had a stillborn and how did that how did you get through that?
Coping with Miscarriage
00:08:08
Speaker
So I never had a stillborn, but I did miscarry early on in my marriage.
00:08:15
Speaker
Um, then with that, honestly, I, at that point in my life, I wasn't, uh, I didn't even know I was pregnant and I didn't at the time, didn't want kids that just got married. So it really was like, wow. Like I can't believe that just happened. You know what I'm saying? But it wasn't like, uh, Oh my gosh. Like I just lost something. Cause I didn't know, you know what I mean? When you know, versus when you don't know. Yeah.
00:08:43
Speaker
Was being a mom your plan or was it God's? I believe it was both. Like I said, I wanted to have a family. But then I got married in a year or two after I got married. I didn't think that I could have kids.
00:09:03
Speaker
um because of you know what doctors were telling me yeah and um us actually like actually trying to have a child and you know getting a negative pregnancy test after pregnancy session appears missing and thinking I'm pregnant then I'm not pregnant that's but that was very disappointing and then um I remember coming home from the doctor and her pretty much telling me like yeah
00:09:28
Speaker
Your levels is pretty much where all ladies' levels are in her 80s. Like, yeah, your chances of having a child like slim to nine. And I just remember, like, you know how when you want something already, but then you want it even more because somebody just can't have it. And it was kind of one of those moments. And I just cried. And I just like, you know, why me? You know, like, asking God, like, I really want kids. I really want a family. You know, and then I remember
00:09:58
Speaker
in Baton Rouge when your mom, I knew. I never saw anybody about it. And you guys, she was like, she told me it was just like a random night. And she was like, God told me to do something. And can I do what he told me to do? And I'm like, girl, yes, don't let me stand in your way. Go ahead, girl, what he told you. Because what he told you, girl. And she was like,
00:10:29
Speaker
he want me to lay hands on your stomach and pray over your womb. And I'm just like, my initial thought was just like, okay, whatever, you know, whatever, you know, because I'm just already like, accepting it, you know, and then she did that. And I, I know I studied, I stood in agreement, even though like, I feel like it was just like, whatever at that moment, it was like, if God is really telling you this, then okay, you know,
00:10:58
Speaker
Um, but at the same time, just didn't have that safe even for myself. It's going to happen. You know what I mean? And then what months later I'm praying with Bryce and then the ball just won't stop after that. So like, I believe it was definitely something I wanted. And also it was in God's plans too. Cause after that, like.
00:11:25
Speaker
I just want to stop getting pregnant. I'm like, okay, God, like that's enough now. Calm down. Right. Right. What do you wish you were told about pregnancy beforehand?
Identity and Self-Care in Parenthood
00:11:41
Speaker
Uh, I wish I was told like how much it takes a fake on your mental. Yeah.
00:11:53
Speaker
Like, I think overall, like in black community, we don't talk about that kind of stuff. Like, of course, people really don't. Oh, your body's going to change or oh, you know, when the baby comes, you're going to be up all night or, but nobody ever talks about how to get through those stages. Like mentally, you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of like everybody's there until after that point. And then it's like, what am I supposed to do now? Yeah.
00:12:22
Speaker
What do you wish you were told about motherhood beforehand? Um, I wish I was told like how to, um, handle like still being yourself. Like,
00:12:43
Speaker
Yeah, you're a mother and everybody kind of says, okay, you have to do this. And I even heard women be like, Oh, it's not about you anymore. It's about the baby, but it has to be about you because you have to be a wellbeing. Like you have to be healthy yourself to be able to give to this child, to be able to, you know,
00:13:04
Speaker
I can't be giving myself scraps and then you know giving this child a full-course meal like I have to nourish myself in order to give this child something worth giving you know something so I believe like you know I wish someone would have been like okay you know you have to take care of yourself first of all don't just give and give
00:13:28
Speaker
You know, make sure you're in a good place. Make sure you're healthy. Make sure you're going to your doctor's appointments. Make sure you're taking a break. You know, don't just, uh, after you become a mother, that's, that's, that's it. Like.
00:13:42
Speaker
still go after your goals, still go after your dreams, still put stuff into yourself, your world and your life does not end just because you have children. I think so many women and girls get wrapped up into that. Like even young girls see, Oh, what do you want to do? Or what, Oh, I just, I want to get married. Like that's just the main thing. Like, Oh, I want to get married. I want to have children. Okay. What else you want to do? Because
00:14:09
Speaker
I'm a mother, and I'm a wife, but I'm so many other things that I haven't even discovered yet. Oh, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Do you have a good slash close relationship with your kids? Yes, I don't have no choice but to. They won't leave me alone, literally. They would not leave me alone, literally. Except for Dream, because she always on my mama.
00:14:38
Speaker
I said acceptably because she always on my mama. Right, exactly. She has two mothers. Like, and they will not leave me alone. Anywhere I go, they're following me around. Like, I'm having a bad day. They don't care. They don't care what I got going on. They in my face, they in my business. The other day I was having literally like a bad day.
00:15:03
Speaker
Bryce was like, he was like, he could just see it in my face because he kept asking me something. And he was like, mommy, what's wrong? And I wanted to be like you and your siblings. Y'all had a problem. Y'all is what's wrong with me right now. But I couldn't say that to him. So I was like, I was just like, nothing. Bryce, mommy's just tired. And he was like, well, just go take a nap then. And I was like, I can't.
00:15:31
Speaker
And he was like, yes, you can just go lay down right there. But it was so simple for him. But for me, he was like, no, I have like a thousand things I have to do with y'all and me and my nurse. But they I have a good relationship with them. I love my kids. I have to adore them even though it's hard to take sometimes. Like when I'm away from them, I'm like, OK, what the kid is doing? Are they OK? So, yeah.
00:15:58
Speaker
I just can't wait until they're older and I'm able to experience like a different level. Yeah. A type of relationship that I would want with them as they start to get older. I can't wait to see what that will look like. What do your kids do that soften your heart?
00:16:15
Speaker
Oh, when they mimic me, like, it's something that I do or that I have been doing, and I don't realize that they are paying attention, and then they'll come back and do it. And I'm like, really? So you do be listening to me, paying attention, like, everything. So yeah, that's just something that kind of melts my heart. I'm like, aw.
00:16:42
Speaker
How do you deal with disobedience physically and emotionally? Oh, gosh. It just depends, honestly. Like, you know, kids are going to be disobedient. There's no way of getting around it. So sometimes I have to step away, you know.
00:17:04
Speaker
Yeah. Emotionally, I have to step away from the situation because I'll be in jail. You know, I end up doing something that I regret or end up saying something that I regret because I found myself in situations like that where I'm so upset, not only just with them, with life in general, and then they'll come and do something and they're just like, okay. So sometimes I have to step away.
00:17:29
Speaker
Sometimes I just have to let them just be them, you know, just do whatever they do and then come and correct them later. Sometimes at the moment I'm yelling. Sometimes I'm just talking. Each one of them, I parent differently. You know what I'm saying?
00:17:46
Speaker
with Journey, you could barely yell at Ben. She's trembling, you know, with, with Bryce. I'm learning now he's a boy. I can talk to him, but to me, I get the most.
00:18:00
Speaker
praising him. Yeah, this area, I have to just take something away from him, you know, something that he enjoys with Bella. Bella is my special baby, you know, so with her, it's just really honestly, it's not yelling that don't make it better. Spanking doesn't make it better with her. Honestly, it's prayer and patience. Yeah. I have to just have a lot of patience with her because she doesn't understand on the level that the other two does.
00:18:27
Speaker
So I have to constantly like just be patient. I had to pray and ask God to give me strength, to give me wisdom with dealing with her, you know, because it is very hard. What are you trying to instill in your son?
Values and Aspirations for Children
00:18:44
Speaker
Um, honestly, um, I want to instill in him like the importance of having a relationship with God.
00:18:52
Speaker
I can't teach him how to be a man. That is something his father would have to do. But I would want to instill in him the importance of being his true authentic self, no matter how the world sees him. Just to be himself, to go after anything that he wants to do. I know a lot of times as parents,
00:19:19
Speaker
put limitations on our kids based off of our fears and based off of the things that our desires are once for them. But I would want to encourage and motivate and just be his cheerleader and to encourage him that anything that he wants to do to go after it, to be better than me and his father, you know, was.
00:19:45
Speaker
And so also I would want to instill in him like the importance of treating a woman, you know, from how, and also like, I know like your mom and his dad always joke with me on how I cater to him, you know, and how to fit the bar for his future wife.
00:20:08
Speaker
But I like that because I want his dad to set that example for him as well. Like I want your wife to treat you good. You know, I'm saying the bar high, but you're going to have to set the bar high as well. And how you treat her, you know what I'm saying? So yeah. What are you trying to instill in your daughters?
00:20:31
Speaker
I'm trying to instill in them the same thing, the importance of having a relationship with God, that's everything. And also the importance of self-love. Loving yourself first. So many times I see like young women that come from two parent homes and they still
00:20:52
Speaker
you still would know that they were loved because they still out looking for it. I want them to know within themselves that they are loved, to love themselves, to carry themselves with grace, to not
00:21:14
Speaker
not follow the crowd and just do what's popular or what's in at the moment, because every decision you make will follow you, just teaching them how to carry themselves as a lady, how to take care of themselves as a lady, like the importance of keeping yourself, just things like that.
00:21:38
Speaker
Um, teaching them that society will tell them different, you know, teaching them things that my mother taught me, some things that I had to learn along the way, you know. What are unspoken promises, principles, characteristics, et cetera, that you want them to grasp just by watching you? Um, I will want them principles that I will want them
00:22:07
Speaker
to learn just by watching me is how to be humble you know yeah like um just to have a humble and a mixed spirit but also know how to be outspoken and to stand up for what you believe in when it's time you know um like i said how to uh
00:22:33
Speaker
how to carry yourself and how to, when you walk into a room, your presence is known. Like you don't have to yell, you don't have to cuss, you don't have to do all these things, you know what I'm saying? To get respect, you know, how to, how to respect someone, how to get it without having to be ra ra ra, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah.
00:22:59
Speaker
These things that I'm teaching them without saying anything is things that I try to present myself as to them. You know, how to be calm, you know, not to get upset about every little thing that happens, you know, in your life. Like sometimes
00:23:16
Speaker
I know it, Bryce. You'll get upset about everybody's signs. Like, it's okay. Yeah, calm down. It's okay. You know, just learning how to control your emotions because I will take you for a doozy sometimes. Just learning how to sit with some stuff, you know? How do you incorporate your walk with Christ into your parenting? So,
00:23:44
Speaker
As of now, my kids are so young. So how I incorporate things with them is, you know, playing with them.
00:23:56
Speaker
Sometimes I know it got to where our house was so chaotic at night, to where I'm like, why is there no peace? It feels like there's no peace in here. And so I had to bring old school back. I just started having to pray out loud and just walking around the house and just praying over them.
00:24:19
Speaker
Praying over my kids, you know and before you know it they sleep like literally Okay, you know is is really is power in prayer and being able to see Bryce develop how he's developed in when he wasn't talking and we were so worried being just
00:24:40
Speaker
putting my hands over his mouth and praying over him and speaking over him and just to see how God has been faithful. Yeah. My prayers and even with those like just the stuff that, you know, how she's improving and it's just like, just a testimony of like, you know, prayer works, you know, and to keep doing that because right now they're so young, you know, they don't really understand
00:25:10
Speaker
the relationship with God. They don't understand what that means right now. But just showing them by praying and doing little things like that, like, OK, what is mommy doing? Just knowing what I am praying, then the room gets calm and the room gets still and quiet. So that's how I incorporate God in their life as of right now.
00:25:39
Speaker
How do you balance work, spouse, ministry, kids, and your own personal walk with God? Honestly, I'm still learning how that is a constant struggle for me. Um, some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Um,
00:26:00
Speaker
but sometimes it's hard to juggle everything because I'm not a stay-at-home mom, I'm a working mother also. So I have to work during the day, I come home, I cook and I clean and I pick up, I take baths, I prepare for school the next day, make sure your hair's come, like I have a lot of jobs.
00:26:24
Speaker
it's not always to where I can get that quality time with God as I want. It's just still in my way. Sometimes I have to pray while I'm in the shower or pray while I'm cooking or putting them down. Sometimes I have to wake up early in the morning because I know sometimes God deals with me and I don't need everything else. And I'm sleeping and I can't sleep at night. And I'm like, okay, he wants his time. I'm praying in the middle of the night. So it's still like,
00:26:54
Speaker
something that I have to learn how to balance and do. What falls to the cracks because of everything that happens on a daily basis? What area are you slacking in? I would say the area that I'm slacking in the most I would say would be my marriage, my quality time with my partner. Because
00:27:17
Speaker
like everything else is just like mandatory. You have to go to work to pay bills. You know, I can't get around that. You have to, you know, we have three toddlers, you know, we have a five-year-old, four-year-old and a two-year-old. So that alone, they're very demanding and very needy. So it's hard to still await time. And by the time we get them down and we've worked and we clicked and we cleaned and we did all these other things,
00:27:47
Speaker
We're exhausted. It's a lot of times I'm like, okay, I don't have any energy to talk or to watch a movie or to spend some time. I just want my sleep. That's the area to where I know I have to get better in finding that time for us because when the kid's gone, it's just going to be us. Yeah. What challenges do you have as the woman of the house and how do you overcome them?
00:28:19
Speaker
Um, the most challenge I have is being everyone's everything. Oh, yeah. It gets very hard sometimes, uh, and stressful being everything to everyone. You know, um, everyone is, where is this mom? Where's that? Um, what, you know, did you do this or did you do this or mommy, I want this. I'm like, is.
00:28:45
Speaker
And then trying to make sure that my stuff is in line. And then having demands on my job on me is a lot. Everybody's everything all the time. And it's never ending. And it's just like, OK, I'm only one person. Y'all got to tell us. Right. So that is very hard for me at times.
00:29:13
Speaker
and just learning how to, learning sometimes how to say no to people. Because I already have so much on my plate. Sometimes I can just be a yes person. Like, yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. And I already got a thousand things to do because my heart wants to help. And so learning how to say no, I learned how to say, well, I can't do it right now, but maybe, you know, another day or another time. Do you find yourself overcompensating in any way for any reason?
00:29:45
Speaker
Oh yeah, for sure. Like when I feel like I'm not present with them, even though I am. If I feel like, okay, this week has been a lot where I've been going most of the day or I worked late or I've been in there like missing me and ready for me to come home. Okay, what do you guys want from this story? Or what do you want? You know, like trying to just buy that time or that little thing that I couldn't give them.
00:30:15
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? So yeah, I found myself doing that. What do you do on the days you want to quit? Honestly, ask God for strength and just remind you that nothing lasts forever. Yeah. Who has helped support you through your journey as a mother? Definitely my mom, my sister,
00:30:46
Speaker
And Lavera's grandmother, they have been tremendous pillars in my life when it comes to motherhood. You know, being that for your sister, I mean, for your mother for sure, my sister, she has been my sounding board, like my person to where when I need to cry, I need to cuss, I need to hear, I need to scream.
00:31:13
Speaker
I need to vent. She's my person I call. She doesn't judge me. She's pretty much done lived the same life. She understands what I'm going through at the moment. And then for the various grandmothers, she was just that angel that I needed when I didn't have my mother. She was my saving grace. She took me in and she treated me literally like I was her own.
00:31:43
Speaker
And she just was there in ways that I can't even explain. And then my mom, it's nothing like having your mom. Nothing like just having your mom to just be there and to be that person that even when you can't be strong, she's that strength-free.
00:32:10
Speaker
So yeah, it's just, I was just thankful. I'm very thankful to have these ladies still in my life, you know, helping me out through this journey in my life called motherhood.
Advice and Resilience in Motherhood
00:32:24
Speaker
What is one thing you were told by your mother that you use often? Thank you till you make it.
00:32:36
Speaker
And she, she said there's so much growing up and I didn't really pay attention to it. Like, they could see you make it girl, they could see you make it. And literally, like, I use that, you know, my everyday because, and it's not saying be fake, you know, what you're doing is basically like,
00:32:55
Speaker
saying you got to push through. Even when you don't feel like it, you pushing through your emotions, you pushing through your fatigue, you pushing through anything that you're going through at the moment, you still have to take care of these kids. You still have to get up and go to work. You can have your moment, but you still got to get up and face reality.
00:33:23
Speaker
until you make it through. And you have to get up and you have to keep going. And whatever you have to do, you have to scream, you have to yell, and you have to go take a walk. If you have to pray about it, fuss about it, talk about it, whatever. And then you get back up and you still do what you have to do until you succeed, until you make it, until you push through. Like you have to do what you got to do until you get through. And that's what I use to this day. What is one thing you wish you were told by your mother?
00:33:55
Speaker
One thing I wish I was told by my mother was basically that I could do anything I put my mind to. Growing up, she taught us to the best of her ability based off how she grew up.
00:34:15
Speaker
and then you know it just trickles down from generation to generation you know like everything was just like oh you can't do this you know you can't do this because of this or because of that and it really wasn't explained why it was just like oh just don't do that just because you know what i'm saying like okay why i can't do this you know what i'm saying like i wish it was more of uh encouraging on
00:34:39
Speaker
OK, baby, like a go after your dreams like, OK, what college do you want to go to? OK, after that, OK, what do you want to do? Let me see you or let me get some resources on how to help get you there. You know, like a lot of times as the black community, we don't even know ourselves. We don't have the resources for our kids.
00:34:59
Speaker
So it just becomes like a constant cycle that repeats itself. And God knows I don't follow her because she did the best that she could. But I do wish that a lot of stuff I was taught growing up that now as an adult, I'm having to figure out. And now I'm having to make sure that my kids know before they get out in the real world, like the importance of credit, the importance of
00:35:29
Speaker
savings, the importance of...
00:35:33
Speaker
Um, just everyday life that you have to deal with once you get out and you get on your own, you don't have mommy and daddy. So you, when I started here, you started getting real when you get on your own and everybody be so ready to get out. But these are the things that some parents don't tell you. Cause when we're parenting, it's not, and with parenting, it's not also, it's not that, um,
00:36:03
Speaker
parents always like just don't want to say, cause most parents be like, okay, you're going to see when you get out there, you won't see when you, you know, get out of my hallway. What am I going to see? You know, exactly what exactly that you're holding because it's like, you're telling me that it's going to be hard, but you're not explaining like how hard, you know what I'm saying? So that's definitely something that I wish she would have told me.
00:36:32
Speaker
And I can attest to that. I've been noticing that ever since I got here, not just with me personally, but no offense to the black community. But why do your kids up for success? Yeah, they do.
00:36:47
Speaker
Like looking at my friends and I'm like, and like you said, like I know my mom and my dad did their best, but it is funny because my mom, we were talking about this cause it's like, she's trying to build what she didn't have. So I couldn't fault her because she's, she's trying now. And like, even now if I called, I could call her and if I needed money and she had it, she would give it to me. But to know like my friend Cassidy, I love her to death, but she makes me so mad sometimes cause it's like, it's just like,
00:37:17
Speaker
It wasn't just her parents, like letting her go, but letting her go and teaching her so much stuff about money and not just teaching her, but setting her up for success. Like her college and getting a job and a place and all of that. And it's like.
00:37:36
Speaker
Oh, I love you. I love you. It's crazy because now it's like I'm gonna tell all my friends. I'm like, I'm going through a pre-life crisis. Like I'm trying to figure out who I get to feed myself. I don't know what I'm doing right now. Like this is wild. Right. Yeah, I can definitely attest to that. That's that's been 2022. That's that's what how that this year has been going so far. We're only in March.
00:38:08
Speaker
What is one thing you want to tell other mothers? I would want to tell the mothers the importance of not losing yourself, not losing your identity to your child. I know that women, they'd be like, oh, my child is my everything. I want to know what to do. OK, what if God decides to take the child from you? What else?
00:38:35
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? Like, you have to learn how to be your own person, you know what I'm saying? Outside of your children. I know sometimes my mom is kind of hard on me when it comes to being a mother, because she's old school. And she's like, you're going, where are you doing? What about your kids? And I'm like, they got a daddy. I know, right? And I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I
00:39:05
Speaker
don't feel like I was able to just be that single carefree person for as long as I would have life before life started hitting me. Even before I had kids and was a wife, you know what I'm saying? I wasn't able to just
00:39:25
Speaker
find my true identity because of how we grew up and how we were raised. And you know what I'm saying? Like it wasn't taught to us to go out and travel and explore and you know what I'm saying? And you know what I'm saying? So like now as a wife and a mother, I am still trying to figure out the things that I like and the things that I want to know. Wow. Also raising these little individuals who I have to
00:39:53
Speaker
Support is show them how to do the same thing. So yeah Minus the husband kids are on the same place I want to do I don't know where I'm going like I have no clue like I do a shell I don't know like I'm trying to figure it out. Yeah It takes time like and don't be hurting yourself about it because like
00:40:21
Speaker
Sometimes people don't discover who they are today. Oh, I mean, it takes you experiencing life to figure out what you want and what you want to do. You know what I said? It's just like what I said in the beginning. Sometimes you have to
00:40:41
Speaker
You don't know what's going to be on the test. You don't know, you know, you actually get there. So it's just like now you're going through this thing called life and you're experiencing different things. You're trying different things. Like you might decide you, you want to do be a hairdresser at this phase in your life. And then another phase in your life, you're like, okay, um, that ain't what to do no more. So it's just like,
00:41:04
Speaker
do those things, discover yourself. You might be one of those people like me, I get bored easily. There's a lot of stuff that I like to do and it's like, okay, I'm good on that. Let me try something else. And it's people out there that are like that. They have multiple different traits and talents and things that they do.
00:41:25
Speaker
And when they get bored, they drop it and they pick up something else. So it's like you just reinventing yourself over and over again. And I love that idea. Like I hate when people be like, okay, I was a teacher for 40 years and I'm a retired teacher and that's all I'm gonna do. And now like we're giving all this, all of these things, you know, on this earth, we're giving so much time.
00:41:47
Speaker
most of us anyway, um, like, what are you going to do with that? You're just going to be one thing for the rest of your life. And if you have this one guilt for this one thing that God has given you, and you know, that one thing, and that's just the one thing that you just feel like, okay, that's good for you. But as for me, I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more than just one thing. And I want to discover
00:42:11
Speaker
these different things before my time here is gone. And you want to know that reminds me of the story of the talents. And I think about that often because I feel like I'm the one with five talents because it's like so many different things catch my eye and thought of only doing or being one thing really does bore me so much. I'm like, there's just too much to do in the sea. Like, why do I only have to do one job or work at one place for all these years? Like, no.
00:42:44
Speaker
What do you tell your kids often? I tell my kids often that I love them. I tell them that they can do anything. I tell them that they're beautiful, they're smart, that they're funny. You know, just putting, just encouraging them, putting things
00:43:04
Speaker
answer their brain to where would the world see them? They probably won't see them like that. So you're hearing it from me first, that you are these great things. So when somebody else try to come and tear you down, it's like, no, I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm smart. I know I'm talented. I know that I'm this and that I'm that and whatever you think, okay, that's fine. But I know these things. Yeah.
Judgment and Parenting Styles
00:43:33
Speaker
What do you think needs to be talked about more as it pertains to motherhood? Um, I feel like what should be talked about more in motherhood is, um, shaming mothers or trying to keep this starting image or persona. You a mother, your house nasty, your kids, you know, like, or, um,
00:44:01
Speaker
You look at, you know what I'm saying? Oh, she look crazy. You know what I'm saying? Or her kids didn't have no shoes on. Everybody parents differently. You know what I'm saying? And I think, especially, you know, I'm not even going to say the black community, because all communities do it. Put your place judgment on each other, because I ain't going to lie. When I be seeing the little Mexican kids that still be sucking pacifiers and have pull-ups on, they'd be sick. I'd be like, OK, you know what? You need to stop.
00:44:30
Speaker
At the same time, that's not my place, because that's that mother. We put so much judgment on other people and how they raise their kids, and how they keep their house, what they feed their kids. Oh, you give your kids all their candy. I don't do that. I didn't do that when I was gone. OK, that's you, baby. Exactly.
00:44:52
Speaker
This is how I choose to raise my kids, you know? So just putting shame and judgment on other women, like all mothers are beautiful. This is a hard job. It's one of the hardest jobs I think that an individual could have in their lifetime. And to have another person try to tear you down based on their
00:45:17
Speaker
of feelings and how they were brought up and how they were raised. It's just, it's shameful and women should stop doing that. Amen Reverend, amen. Do you think there's a lack of mothers and why? Honestly, no, I don't. And the reason why I say that is because I feel like we all experienced motherhood before we even know we do. It takes a village to raise a child.
00:45:46
Speaker
a child. And just like, for example, when y'all were kids, I was held raised and y'all didn't even know what I was. When Shanika kids, y'all were my kids. Even if it's just a little glimpse, you rocking and sleeping, changing that pamper at that time, or you babysitting them at that time, you are mothering, whether you know it or not. You might not be doing it on an everyday
00:46:15
Speaker
basis or all the time, but you're doing it. And when you do it, you do it well. You don't even know. Yeah. No one has.
00:46:25
Speaker
necessarily just taught you or you change your first pamper. You're like, okay, how do I do this? And then you figure it out. Yeah. Or the baby keep crying and you like, what this baby want? This not in your baby. Let me see the baby want the bottle. Okay. She don't bubble. Okay. Let me see if she wanted a pacifier. Then you start rocking her and then you feel like she's sleepy. You're mothering and you don't even know what that baby needs and what they want.
00:46:50
Speaker
And one mother can't do it by herself. We have to send our kids off to daycare. We have to send our kids off to school. So teachers and these people that are in your everyday community that's helped raising your child, that some of them aren't parents, that they're helping raise your child. I feel like that is a lot of
00:47:14
Speaker
It's a lot of parents out there, not even just mothers, it's a lot of fathers out there that are not natural fathers or not natural mothers, but they are when they're helped raising someone else's child. So I feel like there are no mothers and fathers in the world. You might not know that that's what you're doing, but you're doing it. I genuinely have never thought about it like that. That was amazing. Wow.
00:47:40
Speaker
What is your hope for your future as a mother and what is your hope for your kids? My hope for my future as a mother is honestly, just to be more patient, to be more understanding. Sometimes as a mother, we don't understand our kids, we just be like, girl, what are you doing?
00:48:06
Speaker
now i just told you you know just being more um easy going i guess like i know sometimes it's the norm to be strict and to be firm and to be like no you're gonna do this what i say blah blah blah
00:48:21
Speaker
But also, I want my kids to be so comfortable in being their authentic self with me. So they feel like I can come and tell my mom or anything I can. Like this my this my chick, you know, this is my girl. Like, you know, I want them to feel that way about me growing up. So we're like.
00:48:42
Speaker
If it's something, anything that they can come and they can talk to me about, and it's like, it's no judgment. It's no fear. It's like, I know she going to put me in my place. She's not just going to let me do anything, but also I know that she can be that person that I need whenever, you know, whenever I need her, you know, so I would want, I want to be that person. Also want to be the best version of myself that I can be.
00:49:08
Speaker
a lot of times that I put so much into my kids that I'd be like, did you even call me your hair today? Like it was so real. So where when I was, I was a stay at home mom and I had just had dream and it was, it was a mess. It was, it was a lot. Like I was going to depression. I was dealing with two other toddlers. Like it was just a lot. And, um,
00:49:38
Speaker
When I tell you it was days like I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't glow my hair, like I didn't put deodorant on, like this just being honest, like it was days to where I neglected myself because I was changing diapers.
00:49:54
Speaker
uh feeding kids and putting them down for a nap but by the time I do that okay somebody else waking up or somebody like days where I went all day without drinking water or I'm like that ain't one my stomach hurt oh I didn't pee like yeah it's that real to where um I would want to constantly just remind myself into also still wait moments to where like sometimes okay I gotta put myself first today but okay today is mommy day I gotta go put myself first because I gotta
00:50:23
Speaker
put some stuff into me, build myself up to be able to give to you. You know what I'm saying? I can give you something. If I'm empty, what am I going to give you? I have to fill myself up so I can pour into you. So that's something that, you know, um, the future me, I would want just overall a better, a better person, like a better version of myself. And your hope for your kids.
00:50:51
Speaker
And my hope for my kids will be for them just to be the best them that they can be, you know, like with Bryce and Bella and Dream, them in the future, I would just want them, whatever, like I say, whatever they want to do, I just want them to go after it. Like the things that me and their father
00:51:14
Speaker
me and my husband are teaching them, I want them to grasp hold to those things. Not saying you have to do every little thing that we say, those things and then add on to it, build on to it. So I definitely want my kids to be better than what we were in the future.
00:51:33
Speaker
I want them to be already on it with the stuff that we just catching on to right now. I want them to already have it by the time they done graduated. You know what I'm saying? Like mentally, like I want them to be more advanced at that age. Yeah.
00:51:50
Speaker
Last two questions, we asked them and well, I asked them in every episode when I interview people, what is something you have to say to this generation of women and men, of women and mothers? Don't mind me.
00:52:06
Speaker
To this generation of women and mothers, I would want to say that you are amazing. You're doing a great job. Contrary to what you're feeling like, that you're doing a good job. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to feel like you can't do it. I have my mom. I can't do this. Why did I do this? Why did I have all these kids?
00:52:30
Speaker
like having moments to where I want to walk away, having moments to where I'm regretful, but then God put me in my place and he's like, why not you? This is not, I think sometimes as mothers, we look at it as a job, which it is a job. Like, you know what else it is? It's ministry. Yeah.
00:52:57
Speaker
And to be able to minister on this level is so rewarding and so hard at the same time. Because when you're doing it, God is not only using you
00:53:15
Speaker
But he's working things out of you. So you have to look at it like you feel like you're just serving and you're serving. But God is building so much into you as you're doing this job that when you come out of it, it's going to be for his glory. Yes. And last question, what is something you have to say to this generation of men and fathers?
00:53:41
Speaker
I would want to say, even if you didn't have your father in your life, um, even if you don't know how to do it, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know how to play with your keys, change your pamper, do whatever. Just be present because your present is needed, but your immediate.
00:54:01
Speaker
And I can't stress that enough. A father, his presence is needed so much. It shapes these kids, especially the men in our future, just having that father in their life. You know what I'm saying? Even if we don't know how to do it, OK.
00:54:24
Speaker
try to network or be around some men that our fathers, you know, take from them, you know, asking God to teach you. I know it's time, so I had to ask God to teach me how to be a mother, teach me how to have patience with these kids, you know, asking God to put people in your path and to show, they could show you examples of how to do this thing. Cause a lot of times we don't, a lot of times as black people, we don't know how to ask for help. We just know we doing stuff, we doing it the wrong way.
00:54:52
Speaker
I say for fathers, even if you don't know the lack of knowledge, you perish from the lack of knowledge. And if you don't know something, just ask. Just ask for help. But don't just not be there. Definitely be there because your presence is needed. Yeah, very much so.
00:55:14
Speaker
All right, pioneers and beautiful people. With that, that's a precious episode. Thank you to you so much for being here. It was amazing. And guys, go to the website. It is up now. Go look at the Patreon, the PayPal. Go support, share, download all the good things. And make sure you follow us on Instagram. And you guys with that have a wonderful, beautiful, amazing day. We'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
00:55:46
Speaker
So,